PRESENT

I wish I could say that my trip was a good one. I enjoyed up until Thursday. I did love hanging out with my friends. Really it's never a dull moment. When you feel good take advantage of all you can. Why you ask? One day your not going to feel so good and your going to ask yourself why you didn't push yourself a little bit more. I have been really trying to move on the last year or so and I was doing pretty well I thought. Until my two steps forward put me ten steps back. The drug I was on to keep the cancer at bay stopped working. Yes you heard me correctly the cancer raised it's creepy little head up and jumped back into action. Now I've been shot up with a new cocktail that is kicking my butt. I hope it is doing the same to the cancer. I've have been miserable ever since the injections on Friday. Maybe I will feel well tomorrow. I sure as hell hope so.

PAST

I remember a post I did when Mike was alive and fighting for his life. He was given a new drug that made him so sore and flu feeling. I understand now how he felt. He was always so pleasant and brave when something new was presented to him. Never complained much just took it. Why on earth did he not share with me more. I would have held him more, I would have listened. I would have let him cry. Sometimes my guilt overwhelms me, or is it that I just want him here to hold my hand? I miss his laughter. My mom once said he laughed like my Dad I miss him too.

Present

I'm sitting waiting in Dr. G. Office my results from my Pet scans are back. I also need treatment. So depressing waiting for everything to transpire. So many people with this shitty desease waiting to have toxins shot up in them. I will say everybody is so friendly. Tick Tock Tick Tock. Such bullshit. I guess I'm just tired of it all. I'm wanting to stop the madness. I'm looking for good news.

Present

Ok here I am at the W Hotel in Scottsdale listening to a great band under the stars. Oh did I mention I'm by my self. Why because that is what you do when your life partner dies and your left by yourself. Does that really make sence to any one that is sitting outside on a beautify night by them self even with other people around. I want Mike back so bad it frecken hurts. You say life isn't fair look at my life. And let's not forget I should be blessed yeah WHATEVER. Catch me on another day.

PRESENT

Last night I had a real eye opener. I began by having a wonderful dinner with my friends, Donna and Larry Mills. On my way home I decided to meet up with some girlfriends in Westlake. We went to Bogies. One huge meat market. The crowd was over the top. Every nationality and age group. I have differently come to the conclusion you only want to do that every couple of years to remind you not to go. I need to rethink my goals and dreams.

Present

OK I'm going to get back in the saddle again. I hope that nobody complains about my grammar. I flew to LA yesterday to coordinate a wedding this weekend. I had dinner at Casa Vegas last night for my girlfriends 50th birthday. She is so beautiful and elegant her age is so youthful. Mimi, Doug, and Arthur also were there. It was fun talking about old times. Arthur always referred to Mike as Cardigan. It all started when Mike wore one to a party. It stuck and was joked about for 20 years. Sometimes Mike would wear them just to give Arthur shit. We had a lot of memorable times together that sometimes just have to be relived. Happy Birthday Toni, you and Jeff have a great road trip with your dogs. I'm getting closer to getting one myself. Live life full!!!!