PRESENT

It is Sunday and I plan on going to go to the Football game today. Should be fun. I don't get to go to things like that to much. Had a great time this week with my girlfriend Debbie. It has been a rough week physically, but I got through the chemical shit. Greg is getting more information on his condition. Not the news he would like to receive. Now he has to make decisions. I leave for Hawaii Tuesday. I am just going to relax and not think about anything. I take that back not think about the shit that has filtrated my life. I did buy a new bathing suit that always makes you feel better.

PRESENT

My girlfriend Debbie came in from St. Louis today. She and I had dinner at a new Mexican restaurant by my house for dinner. We had a nice time just sitting there talking about the past. She is going to be here until Saturday evening. The weather is suppose to be really nice. Debbie my sister and Greg and I met with the first surgeon to talk about his Whipple surgery we really liked the doctor. He was very informative and personable. My mom, sister, and Greg will leave Wednesday for LA to meet another for a second opinion at UCLA. The surgery is very complicated and dangerous. You want the best doctor you can obtain. He will meet with another at Mayo on Nov. 4th.

Present

Days are getting harder and it makes me angry. I don't want to dwell in the past, but I see Mike in my mind everywhere. I don't want to play cards anymore. I am always dealt such a difficult hand. One side of my brain says you can handle this mess. While the other side says fold. I am literally being eaten up inside. It's a gnawing ache and no matter what I do I can't get rid of it I can't. I call it " it" because I don't know what "it" is. My head says, run hard run fast, get away. My body says your to old to run, you just don't have what it takes. I wish someone could help, but I know I am going to have to figure out myself. Really I thought I was much stronger. I would tell at the end, Mike don't worry I will be fine. I lied to him, because I'm not. I really wanted to make my blog more up lifting sorry not right now. Mike please tell me you didn't take all the good away. I just want to know your alright. I miss coming into the room your in and you looking at me with such love in your eyes, knowing you thought I was the most beautiful girl you had ever laid eyes upon. It felt like no one else was in the room. Just you and I. How does one move on from having that to look forward to? Damn the fact I miss you so much.

PRESENT

Is my past so not important at this point? My past has made me who I am. Although I miss my past. It was good the majority of the time. I had to deal with bad things, but those were the things that made the good things so amazing. I have had such an amazing past, that I don't now how the future is going to compare. Will I just travel around the world? Then again could I be looking for a home of my own? I am trying to learn how to be fun again. You know that person people want to be around, not that downer that always has cancer around her like dandruff. I really was fun at one time. Please give me time to get it back.

Things are starting to be more controllable now. Greg is out of the hospital and fealling better. He has an appointment on Monday with a group of surgeons that preform the whipple surgery quite a lot. Apperantly that is very important. I have been in the doctors office the last two days. My pet scans were good yeah!!! I have started going to a naturalpathic oncologist that has put me on supplements and given me two infusions of vitamin c and infusion of some kind of acid not quite sure. I also had hydrotherapy and color puncture. Both were very interesting. Hope they work. At this point I will try just about anything to stay alive. Anyway everything looks a little better.

PRESENT

In your life there are chapters. Well let me tell you this. I want to finish this chapter, because this is a nightmare. I spent the day at Mayo Hospital with my brother today. We got hit by the f-cking C word again. My sweetest brother, my baby brother, was told he has early onset pancreatic cancer. What the hell is going on here. I just lost the best man on earth. Now I find out the other great man is being threatened it is a crime. Greg has had a rough time all his life with other issues, but to be slapped across the face with the C word is just not fair. Yes, don't get me wrong as a family we will fight this battle with dignity. It doesn't mean that I'm not mentally and physically pissed off. I will find a way out of this hell I am in, I just haven't figured out how YET. I will make it my mission that Greg will live a long happy life and I will be there with him. I love you Greg and Mike we need you to watch over us now. Night honey.

PRESENT

So today I got up to early. This is because I had a Pet-scan at 10:30 am and you can't eat or drink until afterwards. I went in on time, and they were quite pleasant considering they weren't having it done. They have you completely undress and get into hospital garb. Then you are lead to the back. You are then injected with some medication and told to lay there for an hour. They make you very comfortable in a dark area. I put my head phones on and dozed off to sleep. I had very strange dreams. Mike was in them and it was comforting. When they came to get me I was a little disoriented. They lay me down on the table made me comfortable and told me it would take 20 minutes. I drifted into my own world. After that your finished, you get up and they tell you to have a nice weekend. Do you think that when you pass by 3 women and they look at you pathetically that your really going to have a great weekend. After all they already know what the doctor is going to tell you. I mean so do I, but they don't know you already know, so they don't have to look so pathetic. I have a wine and chai party to go to tonight. Some guru is going to put acupuncture needles in everyone who wants to have it done. This ought to be interesting. Wow what a way to start off a weekend.

PRESENT

Greg's proceedure went well this morning. I took him home and the rest of my day was pretty uneventful. Shopped around for things I didn't need. I did pick up some gardening tools, so I think I will plant some herbs and flowers tomorrow. I am in bed early and happy for being here. Mike no beautiful sky tonight what's up! Love you anyway goodnight.

Home sweet home. Had a nice relaxing night at home. Fixed veal Marsala with little rose bud potatoes and a nice mixed green salad. I watched my sons hockey game on the Internet. They lost 6-3 but Bobby managed to get an assist out of the terrible game. There last 3 goals were in the last few minutes. This morning I got up early to bring Greg in for his endoscope at Mayo. I have very bad memories here so I am really trying to keep busy as I wait. This week I will be busy. I have a party to go to Thursday. I also have a wine and chai party on Friday with acupuncture. That should be interesting. Ashes my cat was thrilled to see me. Good thing he is a very patient cat. I was gone 4 days and didn't tear up anything. I wish I could find a little child that would love him. I hate leaving him alone. I miss being with Alex and jenni. They seem to be handling there lives as well as can be excepted. Mike would be very proud of everyone he loved.

PRESENT

Janet and Wayne got home last night so Janet and I had a nice pedicure this morning. Then I met 3 friends for lunch, Ken, Rachel, and Shannon. We had a great time talking about old times with Mike. Sometimes it makes me tear up, but on the whole it just makes me feel good. We watched Monday night football and sat around the dinner table at Janet's tonight. It is good to be around family. I am heading back to AZ tomorrow. The trip was to short, but I took care of a couple of things I needed to take care of. We have to get back. Greg has a endoscope on Wednesday morning. I have a pet scan on Friday. Neither one of us is looking forward to that no choice. I have asked Greg to come with me to Kelowna for Thanksgiving. Once we both know everything is all right I will make the travel plans. Bobby is thrilled that he will have American Thanksgiving. It is Canadian Thanksgiving today so a happy one for all you Canadians. Well have to get to sleep leaving at 5 am. Sorry to the people I didn't get to see while I was here I will catch you next time.

PRESENT

Greg my brother and I drove to Santa Barbara today and had lunch. We ate at Mike and I favorite place on the harbor called Brophy's. We use to sit there eat steam clams drink beer and watch the boats come in to the harbor. It was great memories and a beautiful day. I just got back from having dinner with good friends of mine Donna and Larry down in Malibu at a new restaurant. The Malibu Inn is right on the beach. It was a lovely sunset. We had great food and good conversation. I enjoy my time with family and friends. Unfortunately it hasn't filled the void of Mike and never will, but it's comforting just the same. I still enjoyed talking to him coming through the canyon even if he isn't right there he is.

PRESENT

I am so pleased to say that Bobby's team won there game last night. I took Bobby's call last night with him beaming from the assist he made. The hockey is really good for him. Anything good to take away the pain he suffers everyday from the lost of his best friend and father. It's an ache that is so hard to get rid of and probably never will. I saw some friends last night for dinner it was good to be out and among people who care. Today I am going to take a walk around it is so beautiful out got to get going.

Present

Today was a much better day. My son was back to his happier self, not so depressed. I am back to walking again. Which really allows me to clear my mind of negative energy. I had a long talk with Jon from the Jack and Jill foundation. What a marvelous human being. He gives so much of himself to help others. They were the foundation that sent my family to Napa 2 weeks before Mike died. It was so special that we were able to renew our vows, and spend time with our children without any worries. So here I am ready to go to bed and feeling that I might have a purpose for being the one to be alive. Mike I may have to use your contacts. You were so respected in your business. I knew I could count on you. Love you, night.

Present

So what a day. I was sitting having my monthly dose of meds when I watched my car getting plummeted by a hail storm. I couldn't do anything because I had a IV in my arm. Then low and behold I go home stop by the bank and get caught in another hail storm the size of golf balls hitting my brand new car. This was about the same time Bobby is getting ripped off at an oil change that cost 250.00 dollars. Sometimes life is just so sweet. Well I guess things could have been worse so I will just deal. Please let me have a good nights sleep. That really hasn't happened lately. I told the doctor today I was looking at alternative medicine. Hey gave me the names of some reputable doctors. He wants me to stay alive as much as I do. I am going to do what ever it takes to make sure I do stay alive. Hey Mike can you give me a hand. Love you.

Present

It is Monday morning and my day begins. Mike use to work for UPS and had a very small retirement plan of 103 dollars. I was just notified that I can't receive it until Mike would have been 65. That is 13 years from now. I asked could my children receive the money, because I have stage IV cancer. They said no. So chances are they are off the hook. What ass holes. I go to my accountant today I hope that goes better. I can't sweat the small stuff or things I can't control. I should get out of bed. I tried earlier and my body didn't seem to want to. I hope I don't fall into a funk. I hate FUNKS. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment. I need some answers to a couple of hard questions. Hopefully he will be straight with me. I think I would like to be a little more active. I want to find out if I can play a little harder without breaking anything. I guess we will see. I loved going to the Glacier with Monli. I think I would like to do more adventures.

MOMENTS

I am home trying to just figure things out on my own. I think one day it will come to me.