PRESENT

I have had a battle with the sandman lately. Waking up 5 times a night is awful. I have got to get this sleeping under control. Maybe I am worried about Todd and Soodi my brother/sister in law are going to Cairo in November. That is Todd's next post. They will be there for 3 years. Can't they ever get a post in Italy or Paris. They make it very hard for people to come visit them.

PRESENT

Today I took along walk to clear my head. Mike 1st cousin, who he was very close, had to bury his young wife. She had a long battle with liver cancer. Another person that shouldn't have had to go through the pain. Like Mike she did it with dignity and class. She was so beautiful inside and out. Her husband and children will have to go through many lonely days and nights. My family knows that oh to well. I wish I could take away the pain ahead, but no one will. Villa was a great mom and wife, that can never be taken away. It's something they will cherish forever. Mike I know your always around please help them in the only way you can, show them how to look at the sky differently. Show them the beauty you showed me, and to find comfort in the colors. I will always be grateful for the two of them. They were both extremely kind to everyone and everyone loved them. We should all learn how a smile show brightly through the eye's. Both of them had beautiful eye's.

PRESENT

I got home last night it was comforting. Mike cousin text me with a message that he used Mike's putter I gave him and he shot a 69, that's 3 under amazing. The amazing thing is my brother told me he had a dream about Mike for the first time. He said he looked healthy like nothing was ever wrong with him except he was very sunburned. Who really was holding that putter? I have a couple of doctors appt. today maybe he can hold my hand through them. He really is a funny guy he might show up anywhere. It would be nice if he showed up in my bed instead of the cat ashes!

I am leaving this morning for AZ. I will be glad to be back in sunny weather. I unfortunetly didn't get to spend time with everyone I wanted to, but did spend time with some old friends. Alex and I spent a lot of time together and that is the most important. I will be back soon because a big part of my life is here. I won't be buying a house here for now. I really need to figure out my life a little bit more. After all this is a whole new book I've started.

PRESENT

Had a few glasses of wine tonight. Went out with my sister and a few friends and laughed. It is good to laugh, no I take that back it is great to laugh. I sat next to a doctor from Scotland that pretended to be a wine expert. He even brought in his own wine French wine from the Bordeaux region. I didn't think it was very good. The owner of the French restaurant then brought over his pics which were even a bottle from 1976 french region amazing. That is why it is a little to hard for me to write. What I really liked was being out amongst people. Mike and I made friends so easily that it made life grand. The gay bartender and I got along very well. Great is that were my life is coming too. Alex had a date tonight with a very good looking gentleman tonight. In fact she has had a lot of good dates lately. She is a unbelievably fantastic person to be around.

PRESENT

Had a great time at lunch yesterday with my girlfriend Sue Amlong. We haven't seen each other in so many years we didn't have time to catch up on everything. She appears to be very happy and I am extremely glad. Heading to my niece Izzy 2 year birthday. I feel bad that her dad couldn't be here he is in the navy stationed in San Diego. He loves his little girl so much.

PRESENT

It snowed hard last night and I woke up to a winter wonderland. I loved seeing it but I didn't sleep well so I couldn't really enjoy the beauty. I don't like to be cold it hurts me to the bones. Which brings me to the results of my recent pet scan. Why can't the cancer just go away. The spots that were hot last time went down, but other spots lit back up. It's like a game. Remember operation when if you touched the sides with the metal it would buzz. Well that's what I feel like the guy lying there just waiting to buzz. This is when I miss Mike the most when I get the news and he isn't there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Now I depend on my doctor to give me reassurance which he is great about doing. How could I ever get another doctor. I am starting to feel a little better so I think I will go to the show with Debbie. Get out of my funk. Pick myself up brush myself off and get back into the big bad world. I need to catch up with some old friends too.

PRESENT

I am in Rockford really having great time with Jen and Jeff. Went to Jeff's game last night they won and Jeff had an assist. We then went to a very trendy restaurant for dinner were they serve absinthe and these really cool frozen drinks made with nitre oxide. Great food and a lot of atmosphere. Today Jenni and walked the neighborhood along the river. She lives in an 1800 school house that was renovated into lofts. She has done a great job decorating the place. She is quite talented. I am going to head back to St. Louis I think Monday morning and stop in Greenville. Soodi my sister-in-law is working on the house her and Todd bought. Very excited to see everyone there. I will probably go by and visit Mike's grave even though I feel he is always with me. So much to do in such a short period of time.

PRESENT

Getting ready to pack for the midwest knowing that it is colder than I would like. I am going to fly into St. Louis then drive up to Rockford to see Jenni. I am also going to see my sister- in-law Soodi when I drive back and stop in Greenville Ill. I hope to catch up with some friends in St. Louis. Things are really starting to look up this year. I do hope things continue down that path.

PRESENT

Alex and I went out to dinner the last couple of nights. It was very nice to spend time with her one on one. We talked about a lot of important things in our lives. Mike was bought up quite a bit. Alex is so much like her father. Mike had a wonderful influence on her. She is so beautiful both inside and out. I find her like a porcelain doll. I hope she never breaks you know how porcelain is so breakable. I love my children so much there the only thing I have in this world. Mike and I were always so proud of all of them. God they miss him so much, so do I.

PRESENT

I am still dealing with the withdrawal of the Fentynal patch I was on for a year. I tried cold turkey but found out quickly that was the wrong thing to do. After talking to Dr. G. who was quite upset with me. He suggested to put the patch back on and taper down in lower doses, or take vicodine or percocit. My choice was vicodine, which I have controlled myself into taking only 2 a day. To sleep I usually need ativan. The pain in the bones is gone which is huge relief. I will get through the narcotics slowly, but they will not control me. It will just take a little time and I will be free. On a brighter note I am going to take a quick trip back to St. Louis after my pet-scan on the 13th. I will take a drive up to Rockford Ill. to see Jenni and Jeff's. She is very excited for the visit. So am I. I will also look at some small homes for an investment. I am looking for one I can make into my own style around 1200 sq. feet. I like the Kirkwood area because there is so much to walk to, and part of my family lives there. I must get up and moving in order to get things done.

PRSENT

My day is starting and I have already been thinking of the things to get done to make life easier. I am paying off bills that is always a pain, but your so happy when it is done. Then I am going to fill out the forms for Wellsfargo so hopefully I can keep my house a little longer. Yesterday I took the xmas decor down and cleaned up quite a bit. My new goals I have to focus on 100%. One of them is to start exercising. I was known to have a nice Butt in the past, but I have to go research were it went. So here I go out the door to take care of business..STAY POSITIVE GOAL

PRESENT

Well the new year is upon us and I can only pray that is nothing like last year. I had the most amazing holiday with my children, family, and friends. They all helped me get through one of the most painful times of my life. Honestly I felt the best part of Mike all around us. I could easily see him sitting in the chair watching everything not saying a word. Bobby left on the 1st, Jenni leaves today, and Alex will leave on the 10Th. I have a lot of decisions to make over the next couple of months. I am hoping to work with the bank and stay in my house until the end of May. Bobby will graduate from high school and be back in Kelowna. It is hard for him to leave me and his friends, but he has goals and he is determined to meet them. I think not only for himself, but for the love and respect of his father. My New Years resolution is to stay positive and live my life to it's fullest. I will miss my husband everyday, but I will live like he would have wished upon me. I will encourage my children to do the same. I hope that everyone will move forward for a more positive New Year.