Moments

My son Bobby will be home from Canada within the week. I can't wait and either can he. He is going to help me get on a healthier track. He has to be at the gym everyday so I should go with him. I really need to get into yoga. I started reading some self healing books they seem to be working a little. I'm on the right road to getting better physically and mentally.

MIKE BROWN"S BIRTHDAY

Today would have been Mike's 53rd birthday, but he will always be 52 from here on out. The last couple of years aged Mike and robbed him of his youth and looks. Mike I personally hope that you are playing some heavenly golf and drinking a beer. You deserve every bit of the things you enjoyed. I will always remember the sparkle in your eye's and the allure of your smile. That is what captured me the first time we met and what I will always remember. Happy Birthday Mike I love you always.
So to all of you who can play golf today let him hold your hands when you putt. Or feel his ability to swing the drive so effortlessly straight ahead. Let the warm breeze flow through your hair and enjoy the day. For those of you who don't golf raise your glass high in the air and toast a great man for being your friend. Mike would be there to buy you a round even if it was his birthday. So if your out and about buy someone else a drink in honor of the guy who always wore a white hat. One of the good guys. In other words just have a great day in honor of MIKE BROWN.

Moments

Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister-in-law. She is working renovating an old historical house in Greenville, Ill. Don't work to hard smell the roses and the cake. Love You.

PRESENT

Feeling better today not so drenched in self pity. It is Alex my daughters 22nd birthday today. She is an incredible well balanced college student that I am so very proud of. I hope she has an amazing day form start to finish. I know my first day with her was wonderful. So Alex after school kick your feet up and study because I know you partied all weekend. LOVE YOU MUCH!!!!!!!

PRESENT

Each day that goes by I loss a little piece of me. I find myself wanting to disconnect with friends and family. Maybe it's because Mike's birthday is coming up and he isn't here to celebrate turning 53. He will never be 53, but I am and what is that. Things are really starting to run through my head. I want my kids to live there own lives and stop worrying about me. I am growing old of my surroundings, and I will defiantly leave soon. I thought that I needed some kind of root and for all my life my mom has been my deepest root. I could always go home. She is still my root, but she depends on my sister, so she really can't be there for me anymore. She does give me comfort when I'm at my deepest low. See she lost her husband at 57.I feel she knows how hard it is to loose your best friend and partner in life. Luckily she had a lot of children and grandchildren around her. My sister Janet has taken really good care of her too. I don't think I ever told Janet how grateful I am for that, but I am. My children are very supportive too, but it is not my attention to be dependent on them. I have lived so long as a survivor it is hard to be anything else. I want them to have great memories of their own that will last a life time. I have an idea of what I'm going to do. It may just shock a few people even me.

PRESENT

The days anymore seem to get longer. Even if I wish them to be shorter. I have to much time to think of nothing. Why was it when Mike was alive I felt like I didn't have enough time in the day, now it's all I have. I feel that I must recreate myself into someone else, because I'm not the person I have been for the last 22 years. I really don't know who I am.

PRESENT

Made it through Valentines Day without to many aches and pains. I just thought of great Valentine memories of Mike. I hope though that everyone else held close to there loved ones and treated them kind.

PRESENT

Just getting ready to go downstairs for breakfast. I had a really good time yesterday. Alex Mai Ling and I ran into Lori H. and Cindy D. at lunch. I had made a lovely couple on the plan and also ran into them. After spending quite a bit of time there. Came back to my suite relaxed a little bit then headed to the hospitality suite. Lots of hugs and kisses from so many people I haven't seen in a long time. Went to dinner with Brian and Lori Erinworth, Brad Jansen and Alex. We laughed and had a good time. This hotel the Beligio gives me a really bad headache. I think it is being around cigarette smoke. I can't stand it. I think I might go to the rink today. The guys are pretty fun to watch.

PRESENT

So tomorrow I get to see my daughter and a whole bunch of friends from the fantasy camp. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone. It probably be a little hard because these people were Mike's friends and I was his wife. Quite a few made a special trip to Arizona for Mike's memorial in July. I haven't seen them since then. I will do my best to make sure I represent him in the way he would have expected of me. We will have a lot of good laughs I know. These are all good people and I'm proud to have been a part of the fantasy camp for so many years. Mike had a way of making everyone feel so special. Though for some reason I always managed to do something to be talked about. Maybe I will tell you about some of the episodes that got me in hot water later. I just have to make sure it is OK to broadcast the stories.

PRESENT

A little to much indulging last night. I feel not so good. It is already 11:30 and I haven't done anything, but get caught up on Big Love. That to me is really pathetic. I am getting dressed and going to walk the mountain. Alex is on her way to Vegas I hope she enjoys sin city. Thank goodness she will be working. Bobby is almost done with the season. Playoffs start soon, but I don't think there team will go very far. Then he will be home. That will be a blessing.

PRESENT

Well it's 6:30 in the morning and I have been up since 5. I had my breakfast and coffee. Now I try to find something to keep me busy for the rest of the day. Today is a little better than most figuring out what I am going to do. I will climb the mountain about noon. Then I have plans to meet up with Johnny and Ori. There is a lot going on over in Scottsdale with the golf match and the Superbowl. I have no problem being around a lot of people I prefer it myself. I feel like I can blend in. It should be fun. The weather should be nice here and people will be walking around everywhere. Next week will be a lot better going to Vegas and everything. I guess I will get up and do some housework so I come home to a clean house. Go Steelers, my mom lived in Michigan for a while and my sister Cindy was born there, so I guess I will cheer them on. Besides it is easier to wear there colors. That green and yellow isn't very flattering if you know what I mean! Black is much more slimming with red and gold accents hot.

PRESENT

Last night Bobby called me to tell me about his game. He proceeded to tell me he got into a fight. Half asleep he told that his 2 front teeth were loose and bleeding, but he took the other guy out. Needless today he is not playing today because of all the penalties. It is just the name of the game he told me. I suggested he take some tylenol when he got home, he agreed. Haven't talked to him today, but he will call me when he wakes up.

PAST

I remember when Mike put Bobby in hockey when he was 9. He wanted so bad to keep up with his cousin's on the ice. He would grab the sides of the boards, but would force himself out in the middle. He had no intentions of giving up. It was the beginning of the bond that would make him and his father so close. They would get up early in the morning before school so he could have private lessons. Together they were determined to turn Bobby into a skater. Mike just wanted to have his son have fun. Bobby had a whole different idea. One day were driving home from a game, where I am sure Bobby probably played just fair. I asked him what he was doing in the backseat in a notebook. "Mom I am practicing my autograph, I will need it when I turn pro." I remember Mike rolling his eyes not wanting to laugh. Considering he was President of WGAuthentic memorabilia handling the greatest hockey player ever Wayne Gretzky. Bobby has never given up that dream and is heading in that direction. He just wished his dad could have been there and so did Mike.

PRESENT

OK walked the mountain today. It took me a little longer than usual. All I could think about was Mike. I have to find a way to put my head somewhere else. I think I should take up a hobby, but I don't know what I am interested in. God I sound so pathetic. I did find out that I can stay in my house a little longer. So that's a good thing. Probably because, I still haven't figured out were I want to live. Once again it sounds so pathetic. I did get my hair colored and made myself more of a blonde.Though I don't really think blondes have more fun. I hope I get some kind of sign to lead me in the right direction. Maybe better luck tomorrow. I am going to have a glass of wine and not think so much.

PRESENT

Just watched the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie The Lost Valentine. Yes I balled my eye's out isn't that what Hallmarks all about. It was a very endearing movie. It made me think of Mike and the fun we had when we were younger. Throw caution to the wind and have no fear. I feel that I'm scared of everything now. Maybe I should take up something adventurist. No better yet I am going to climb the mountain that I haven't climbed in the last couple of years. Maybe I will see a weird animal or something. LATER

PRESENT

I had lunch today with two dear friends Bob and Joyce Anderson. Bob has been battling cancer for a long time. He and Mike use to tell there war stories at the kids hockey games. That is what you call the fight with cancer a battle. Bob always impressed me because, he is such an adventurer,you know an extremist. I think he and his wife are probably in there late 60's. He has such a zest for life. There isn't anything that is going to keep him down. I hope this cancer never takes anything away from him, you see he gives me hope. I love the fact they have each other, Joyce is so patient and calm. It's good to have a great support system and she is one.

PRESENT

I woke up at the usual 5 in the morning. Not much to do when it is still dark out. You have no one to make love to sorry, but that was Mike and I favoroite time. Then we would talk, he would usually bring me coffee and sometimes breakfast in bed. No I just do it myself. Chat with myself and watch the morning news. Cairo again, housing market sucks and oil prices are going up. Sometimes I think my life is depressing, but look at the rest of the world it's a piece of cake compared.

PAST

I hope the weather didn't hurt my rose garden. It was about 6 years ago. I was still working in Malibu in the spring through fall coordinating weddings. I would usually leave on a Thursday and return on a Sunday or Monday. Well one of these hot Arizona weekends in July around my birthday. Bobby and Mike proceeded to dig up the side of the house by our courtyard. The ground was as hard as concrete. They spent the whole time working, cursing, and sweating. When I returned home there it was a beautiful landscaped rose garden. They even made a sign that read "Jeanette's Rose Garden" my girlfriends in the neighborhood were all envious not because I had a rose garden, but because my husband and son created it for me. He did things like that, because he loved me that much. He said " You may leave for days, but you will always have something to come home garden to come home to" My true garden was my family and Mike.

PRESENT

My days are pretty simple. I have gotten off all the pain killers which only brings weight gain. Great just the thing every women want. Anyway about a week ago I started walking about 5 miles a day. Thank God we have had the weather for that. I talked to a lot of people today. I haven't for a while. Jon from the foundation. I hopefully connected him with Jim who might be able to help him with some airline connections. The Jack and Jill Foundation is a great organization and I hope it grows huge. A friend from Las Vegas called and we had a nice visit. I will probably meet up with him and his wife while I'm there next week. Should be fun. I will also be able to see my daughter Alex. She is working Wayne's fantasy camp. Mike and I use to run the camp, but those days are over. Maybe I will post some past soon and tell you all about the past camps. They could get pretty crazy. I'll keep them a secret for a little while longer. Well I going to cook up something for dinner. Yes I do get lonely for a dinner conversation some times, but I have learned to deal with the emptiness. The TV helps.