PRESENT

Have been watching the news on the hurricane that whipped through the Midwest this past week. So awful for the family and friends of the survivors. I hope that all the people that have been affected are being taken care off. It just reminds me of how blessed I am. They seem so strong, but it is going to be so hard over the next weeks month and years. My heart goes out to all the victims.

On the other hand I did stay up and watch the royal wedding. It was so wonderful to see such joy flow out of everyone involved. The love and friendship of two brothers could only reminded me of Mike and Todd. How at our wedding they pulled up in Mikes vintage convertible in the white dinner jackets. They too were so handsome. The music at our wedding was from the Princess Bride theme song. I too felt like I was a Princess and Mike was my Prince. I hope there marriage is a successful and a joyful one. It is always nice to have good role models. They are such a handsome couple.

MOMENTS

I reread what I wrote on Easter and realized that I was disrespectful to my religion. It totally came off wrong. Jesus gave up everything for us and I love him. I rewrote my blog for that day. I was very depressed and missed Mike. I hope he is with our Savior right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I apologise.

PRESENT

Two work outs today, two yesterday. How come I feel my body isn't really changing that much. I guess when you get older things just instantly slow down. I wish I had that much energy in getting my stuff staightened out. I do think more clearly now I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I honestly thought I was having a conversation with Mike. He asked me if I was alright and that he was worried about me. I reassured him that I was OK and that everyone else was doing OK. It was really weird because it seemed so real.

PRESENT

Happy Easter everyone. I have had a wonderful time with my nephew Robbie, Bobby, and Greg. We played egg games which left us all with lottery tickets for wed. Drawing. I hope if anyone one wins it is one of them. I have already won in my life. Everyone have a great day.

MOMENTS

Right now I could say that everything is alright. That I have my life back together. I would be lying. Mike isn't here and it makes me depressed. It is Easter tomorrow and I don't care because he isn't coming back to me. He isn't even going to show his face. The thing is why can't we just spend time with the one we loved so deeply that it burns to think of that person. Most of the time I can just smile and look at his picture and go on about my day. Now I sit here by myself and wonder what it would be like to have his arms wrapped around me. He suffered just like Jesus, I wish he too could be resurrected. Time goes by but my over whelming love for him does not. I would so much just love to kiss him again, hold him again, make love to him again. I would love to look in his eyes and feel the love that poured out of them. Nobody has loved me the way he did and no one will ever will. God bless you Mike you were more than a man.

PRESENT

I went on another adventure with my brothers. This time camping. It started off well but, kind of went down hill when we couldn't find a campsite open. After driving around Arizona for 5 hours we ended up at Blue Water Reservoir. We camped on top of the mountain side and did a nice job setting up. We then proceeded to have shrimp fajitas which were delicious. Outside the fact that the winds were around 40 miles per hour and cold it was just delightful. After cleaning up we settled in hoping not to be eaten by any bear strolling by. I think we need to plan out these adventures a little more carefully. It wasn't until driving back this morning because it was to windy to hike. We found out what had happened in St. Louis. OH MY GOD I pray that everyone I know is OK and not hit to hard. So much devastation. My nephew Robbie was on his way home to visit his wife, daughter and family. He couldn't get into Lambert so he ended up here in Arizona. Yeah I get to see him and enjoy Easter with more family, but so sad for him not getting to see his family.

PRESENT

Be grateful for the health system we have. Especially if you are in the position I am in. St. Louis treated a boy from Canada, because they said he was terminal and refused to treat him only 15 months old. Who has the right to tell you that your condition has gone to far. If that were the case our family wouldn't have had the 5 years to live with Mike. My children wouldn't have received that time to get to know, love and respect their father that much more. He wouldn't have been able to teach them life's lessons that are so important. I wouldn't have been able to love the man that was so special to me just a little bit longer. The man that taught me how to go on and raise our children. I to would probably be dead today once I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Don't let the government control our health, it is way to important. I know it was the life we were dealt.

Past

Not really that long ago. Two days ago Johnny, Greg and I took a trip to Peyson AZ to go hiking. It was so beautiful. I even shot a gun, not a bad aim but I could use some practice on form. Anyway we had a blast. Johnny and I even took a plunge in freezing cold water. That I have to say was invigorating. I think we are going to go camping this weekend. The things you will do again when you get older.

PRESENT

I have a little hangover this morning due to the fact I had a few Margaritas last night. Our neighbors from the old town of Agoura stopped by to see Bobby and I. Bobby and Shane were best friends growing up. They were always together. Shane is going to be going to ASU for business. He is a very bright good looking boy. He should enjoy the college very much. All the kids are getting so old. Unfortunately that makes me older too. Oh well I have had my hay day. I have a lot of good memories from them too. We had a great visit with good food, drink, and conversation. Today it's back to the gym and hiking. Got to stay in shape it is bathing suit season.

PRESENT

Yesterday Greg and I went up to Prescott and hiked for about 3 hours. Then we went into town and had a lovely lunch at there well know brew pub. Very old and interesting. It was nice spending time just hiking in the woods and around the lake. The weather was incredible and the scenery gorgeous. Bobby has really enjoyed being home. He still finds E school a challenge but he is pushing through it. He still is working out hard to keep in shape. We are both looking forward to him trying out for the team in St. Louis in May. I will be visiting Greenville when I go. I'm looking forward to seeing Mike's relatives and visiting his grave. We would have been married 23 years this May. I will cherish the memories of all those years. Any day filled with good memories is a good day.

PRESENT

So much time has gone by since I have awaken next to Mike. It has become ordinary now, but still isn't comfortable. I am able to function on a daily basis without blame. I try to focus just on the day, not the past or the future. It seems to be working. I don't try to control the things that can't be controlled. That is a very hard thing for a control freak. I enjoy just standing outside watching the rain, or the clouds floating through the sky. I don't spend time hating things, but to love them for what they are. Not to dwell on the negative and embrace the positive. My mom is going to be 90 years old in August. I look at her for guidance even though she has no clue that I do. She is a pillar of strength and poise. She just enjoys life and her children. She is one of the luckiest women I know. Her children, grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren, love her and admire her. She is truly beautiful inside and out. She is my role model. Have a wonderful day hug someone you love.

PRESENT

I went to see Dr. G. yesterday. We decided to not have any scans done unless there is a obvious reason. That would be having pain or if my lab work was off. No need to have any radio active material injected in me if I don't have to. I met a women during treatment that was actually diagnosed 4 years ago with mets to the bone so massive she lit up like a lightning rod. Now 4 years later they can hardly see the cancer. This is the stuff I liked to hear. I have been consistent on my life style changes. It's been good for me and the people around me. I am certainly less stressed. I have also have completed the vacation plans with Jenni, Jeff, Alex, Bobby, Greg (my brother) and myself. Something that we all deserved after this past year and a time to reflect on the blessings we have. Really looking forward to the time we will spend together.

PRESENT

Working out has really made everything a little calmer. Amazing what Pilate's and yoga could do for a person. Try the breathing lessons too. Deep breaths through your nose and out your mouth very slowly. I also read the book The Secret every once in awhile just to stay focused. I do have the great weather here in Phoenix that you can't beat for now. Today I have a doctors appointment and treatment. I am expecting both to go well. I feel great so I hope everything else is great.I enjoy having Bobby around, he is easy and very comforting. Yes he can be annoying at times, but on the whole a wonderful kid. Bobby will be trying out for a hockey team in St. Louis mid May. I am hoping he makes the team. It would sure be easier with both kids in the same town. It's early so I think I will go take a walk before my appointment. I hope everyone has a great day.

Present

I decided to climb to the top of the mountain and enjoy the view to write my blog. I'm trying to get back to a healthy state of mind body and soul. The weather is beautiful and it just feels right. I heard that someone I know who just lost there spouse from cancer is moving on with there life. I want to say don't judge them. I have been in there shoes and I want to tell everyone that cancer is a very ugly beast. It not only sucks the life out of the person it's killing, but it sucks the life out of the people around them too. So what ever it takes to climb back into the living is a fight. Trust me when I say we are all tired of the struggle to find a normal balance. For those of you who have never experienced this just try to be supportive who are forced into this hell please be kind. I just felt I had to say something. I know I never asked for this and I'm just try to make the best of all that doesn't make sense out of life.

PRESENT

So I went to a Heart concert tonight with some friends and had a great time. They were amazing I think much better than most of the men I have seen in concert lately. Just goes to show you women just can hold it together better than men. It was a biker event and trust me it was mostly old and gray or very wrinkled. The one thing I will give everyone there they were having a great time so hats off. Alex leaves tomorrow which is sad, but she will be back in May. Bobby is going to prom with a very cute tiny girl. It's kinda of funny considering she is a bout 5'2 and he is 6'6. I hope they have a good time. I hope they will take pictures because I won't see them before they go. I am trying to plan a family vacation the first part of June, but it hasn't been easy. Hopefully we can figure it out.