Present

My house is coming along very well. Each day we get a little more done. I can't control the outside they were suppose to finish the exterior by the end of August unfortunately that isn't happening. I'm going out to Greenville this morning to see Betty. I think Mike has his stone up. We will see plus I want to hit some antique shops. I need some lighting I can hang. Should get my mind off everything else that is shitty in the world. My mom turns 90 this week maybe I can find her something unique.

Moments

On July 16th I told you I saw a beautiful rainbow. It's amazing because the night Mike died there was a beautiful rainbow. These are the things that make me keep going, and life with my kids. Sometimes you have to calm down and take one day at a time. The sun will shine soon.

Present

Today opened my eyes. I always think that a ray of sunshine is going to sneak through, then it happens. That really dark cloud floats over and reality strikes again. I need to write a book titled The Widows Handbook. It would teach women that the year after your husbands death there are so many people that will take advantage of your vulnerability. That it can be very cruel and to trust no one. Especially the ones that act like there doing things in your best interest. Snakes. Mike always hated snakes. I'm glad he is not here to witness. Once I get through this small hurdle I will let you know the things I don't tell. Sometimes you have nothing to lose.

Present

Haven't had the Internet or cable for 2 weeks. I feel so out of touch. Just when I think things are going a long smoothly I get hit. Yesterday Bobby got cut from the team he was drafted to. Here we move to be all together and in a moment dreams are shattered. His next step was to go back to Canada. My heart was broken. After hours of deliberating the Junior Blues A team asked him to play for them. He will get to stay in St. Louis after all. Getting settled is all I hope for now. Time is a funny thing you just never know how the clock is going to run. I must get back to unpacking. Endless.

Present

Well I'm half way moved into the new house. I won't have TV or Internet until next week. The house is starting to look like a home. I will post pics when the Internet is hooked up. Today is my 54th birthday. Any other birthday Mike would have gotten up brought me cappuccino. He would have had flowers and a card letting me know how much he loved me. I miss what he would do for me. I miss how we would always talk about our life and future in the morning. We would have great laughs and live life. I will get up now and make my way threw my day. My kids, family, and friends will get me threw it all. I miss Mike tremendously.

Present

Well second day on road and made it threw the first year. This will be good for all of us. I am looking forward to settle into the house. Jenni is coming down in a few weeks to help me decorate. She has such a great eye for that. We will all attend the Lauchner family reunion this year. That should be hot as long as the heat spell breaks. We only have about 8 hours to go to get to St. Louis so I'm excited. A fresh start.

PRESENT

Well it has been a year today since Mike left. I prefer to think of it that way. My life has taken such a drastic change in the past year. Right now I'm in a Uhaul going cross country with my brother Greg. He is so kind to drive me back to St. Louis. I know this next year will be a new beginning for all of us. Bobby has to give it his all in hockey and college. Alex needs to finish her last year in college. Who knows maybe this will be the year Jenni and Jeff will have a baby. It would have been more fun with Mike to share this with, but it wasn't meant to be. We are all very strong and we will always remember Mike like he was when he was strong. Happy and in love with his life. We knew he had to leave. God is taking good care of him. Mike we love you and always will. You will always be the greatest man we ever will know. Bless you.

Present

It is Monday night and I'm sitting in my pool listening to music. I have a picture of Mike by me candles and a glass of wine. I can't stop crying it has almost been a year since Mike left us and it has gotten to me. Why wouldn't it he was the love of my life. Now I need to continue on without him. Please let me vent. I won't do anything stupid. I can so picture him here with me. The water is warm and the moon and stars are out. There isn't enough wine to kill the pain and loneliness I feel. He was so beautiful and funny and kind. How can I not ache inside. I so want to leave this pain but it just keeps coming back. I don't want to go back in the house. At least out here I might be that much closer to him. I know that I will be fine in the morning but tonight I feel a part of me is gone.

PRESENT

Bobby left this house for the last time today. He left as quick as he could didn't really want to go, but it is a good beginning. I'm sure he will be fine once he gets settled. It actually was harder on me then it was on him. Had a little emotional breakdown after he left. I'm assuming that is normal in my not normal world. I think I need to laugh out loud or something.

PRESENT

The shit jobs are left to do in the house to move now. My cat is differently gone. It has been in the 100's for the last month. My tolerance is weighing thin. OK that sums up my morning. Oh lets not forget the fact that no matter how much I still work out I am gaining weight due to not having any estrogen in my body. Could also be because I have replaced my pain killers (which I'm glad I don't have to take) with alcohol. GREAT not. I'm hoping that in the great scheme of things that I will get everything under control after the move. Well I'm done with my coffee back to packing.

PRESENT

Ok I think I have to come to the realization my cat isn't coming back. It makes me sad, but I just think that some little girl found Ashes and is feeding him really well. It's better than the alternative. Back to packing again. My room seems to be the hardest to get started on. I keep putting it off. Maybe I will finish the garage today. YUCH. I spent most of the day yesterday in the pool. Cried a little thinking of the past then just went under water to snap out of it. My house will be ready to move into July 15th I'll just keep on focussing on that. Better go.

PRESENT

Last year on July 4Th Mike and I renewed our vows in a beautiful ceremony in Napa. He was so sick but still wanted to please me so bad. How can I ever thank him for all he graced me with. Now it really gives me reason to look to the skies tonight. He will give me a show of his love every 4Th of July with a beautiful spark and bang. I have the bad news of letting you know my cat Ashes has been missing for 2 days. He brought me comfort when nobody else was around. I hope July isn't the month to take something away from me. I will have to leave the country you know the reaper can't catch me there. He wouldn't know where to find me. Probably because I would be lost too. Maybe Ashes will come home soon.