I'm feeling much better today. The steroid shot in the back hurt like a son of a bitch, but thank God it worked. My life seems to go on day by day. I'm not sure which direction I should head. I'm on 25mgs of fentanyl patch. Also the pain management doctor put me on an antidepressant. I guess that in my situation it's only natural that I'm depressed. Just on the inside not on the outside. I'm heading for California next week. Bobby and his girlfriend are also going. She is a sweet girl who has never flown on a plane. This should be quite interesting and fun. While I'm there I will see my doctor at Cedar Sanai. He is so smart and he has been through twenty five years as my Oncologist. I know I will figure out what to do next. I'm trying to prevent those road blocks that keep popping up to prevent me from enjoying my life and the people around me. I'm not so self centered to think that what I'm going through doesn't affect everyone in my life.

I couldn't wait for the doctor office to call me so I left a message this morning.  My heart pounded as I looked at my phone ringing with the doctors number. How does one answere a call that could possibly tell me I have months to live. I choose to say morning Jane, Dr. Naughton's nurse. When she gave me the news that the test came back negative that there was no sign of cancer in the fluid. I cried uncontrollably. Today even though I'm still in pain it's time to celebrate. I called my children and gave them the good news. It's kind of funny how you celebrate even though the cancer is still killing you. It's just not killing you as fast.  Thank you God.

I woke up in time to wish Jenni and the kids a safe trip from Moscow to Coppenhagen. She is going to visit her girlfriend and daughter for a couple of weeks.  I'm so happy for them.

This will be the longest day for me. Tomorrow I will get the results from my Spinal Tap. If the results come back with Leptominagitis in the fluid I will probably be in the fetal position in tears for a while. If it comes back negative then I believe champagne will be in order. I'm not sure where I stand on this earth. Jesus I'm holding your hand right now. Please keep me warm.

It's Sunday morning and I missed the FaceTime with the kids. My brain isn't working to good today. Thanksgiving in Greenville went really well. Betty was extra nice and not one argument broke out. I keep falling back to sleep so I'm going to finish this later. Sorry

Today I woke up in terrible pain in my back. All I could think of how am I going to get up out of this bed and wrap my head around a spinal tap at 9:15. You have to remove yourself from your own body and just do it. So I got up put my feet on the ground cried a little bit and had Bobby drive me to the hospital. After talking to the doctor she said it was ok to take some vicodine. I popped 10 mgs in and started the prep for the spinal tap.  I had to lay on my stomach which wasn't easy to do in pain. She told me that the shots to numb the area where the needle goes in was going to hurt the most. She was so right. Long story short because of the holiday I won't get the results until Monday. That's one long weekend. If you have faith please pray that I don't have cancer in my spinal fluid. That would be a very short life expectancy.  I have to much to live for.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone we have a lot to be thankful in this crazy world. Kiss and hug someone you love.

Another day another piece of shit put on my plate. I thought last night I had pulled a muscle on my right side. I went to Physical Therapy and Occupational therapy today.  The PT therapist after doing a lot of evaluation didn't think that it was muscle related at all. She believed that maybe I might have fractured a small part of bone in my thoracic area. Back to pain management. Sometimes I am so scared because I am my own patient advocate. Always second guessing every move I make.  I'm trying to keep calm and stress free through it all.  Maybe drugs and alcohol is the way to go.

I went to see my Oncoligist today.  This time I wrote down all the symptoms that came back. Some of them are so bizarre that sometimes I don't believe them myself. Like the top of my left hand and the back of my skull itch all the time, but there is no rash. Last night I couldn't open my right eye. I wasn't quite sure if I was dreaming that happened, but I do know that the left side of my lower face was numb. I'm not sure what is happening I just know it is.  They have scheduled a spinal tap or lumbar puncture on Tuesday. They want to see if the cancer is in the spinal fluid. Please I am putting it out in the universe that it is not. Every prayer helps. I know a lot of you read this blog in the shadows because it monitors how many hits there are. I'm just asking that you pray with me on this one. It really isn't my time to go.

Alright here I am again. There was a reason I was sleeping so much. I kept telling the doctors that there was something was terribly wrong, but they weren't listening to me. My Oncoligist   just sent me to other doctors. Saw neurosurgeon, who wanted to do surgery because my C5/6 and C6/7  had degenerative disease. That's normal for someone my age. He did add in there that I also have cancer. Dah. Then on to a pain management doctor. He was a real trip. I let him know that pain killers didn't work. He asked me flat out what my doctors prognosis was since I do have cancer and I'm not on treatment. I wanted to punch him in the face..yes I'm well aware of the fact I have cancer. Yes I'm well aware of the fact that I'm past the  expiration date. My God they use to say your to young to have cancer. Now they ask me why I'm still here.  Well the symptoms got worse. I was urinating all the time. I couldn't sit or lay down for any time period or I would get up and not be able to balance. I was forever thirsty. My vision became itchy. I would have small tremors. The pain was-excruciating  in my back,neck,and down my arm. After two and a half weeks a blood test showed my calcium level was extremely elevated. They gave me a bone builder shot in my stomach a bio phosphate. Also prednisone to reduce swelling in the spine. Amazingly the symptoms stopped. What the hell without the blood test next stop would have been a coma.  Doctors need to listen to the flashing lights. I am really thinking I'm a number that has looked over.  I have an appointment with my long time Oncoligist in LA in December.

On top of all that Alex is in Dublin. Jenni, Jeff and the grand kids are in Russia. Mike's brother, his wife and son are in Brussels.  Right now I'm keeping an eye on Europe being safer.. My heart goes out to everyone effected by what happened in Paris we are so vulnerable.

I seem to want to sleep quite a bit. I'm once again missing out on loving life. If I get up to accomplish something simple I do it and then want to go back to bed. Very low energy. The other day I watched a commercial were people were running jumping moving so freely, I began to cry knowing that I couldn't. Each year it seems to get worse. The will or want to enjoy life. I know I can feel the joy of life I just need a huge push.

Ever since my wonderful day with the girls it's been a roller coaster. Good days and all out shitty days. When I wake up in the morning I don't know if the day on earth is going to be bright and sunny or just crap. I have had MRI and CT scans. I lay in bed with excruciating pain just to have a doctor tell me the next day that they can't figure what is causing the pain. The solution more pain killers and stinger each time. I honestly don't know how any one could get hooked on pain killers unless they work. Which in my case hasn't happened. They just dull the pain and make me nauseated. Right now I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better so I'm heading out to feel good.