PRESENT

Sometimes I feel I live alone. People can feel that if they are just coexisting in the same house. If you don't get out and socialize with other people you don't have much to talk about. That is why this trip tomorrow is so important. We will have something to talk about again. Mike and Bobby meeting me in LA next weekend is good too. Mike needs to get out, he needs a fresh environment. I am leaving tomorrow and Bobby will make sure Mike is taken care of. I probably won't post again until June 8Th unless I get access to a computer. Hopefully I will have a lot to write about. Goodnight until then.

PRESENT

I was married to Mike on a beautiful St. Louis night 22 years ago. We were surrounded by friends and family. We partied and then spent the rest of the night looking over the city at the penthouse suite in the Adams Mark Hotel. Tonight was a little less eventful, but it was just as beautiful, because I was able to be with him. I love him more now, than ever. I have gotten 22 years to get to know him better than ever. He is the kindest, most trustworthy, and loyal person anyone would want to meet. Let alone handsome. Yeah I've been blessed!!!

PRESENT

My blogs have been a little few and far between and I apologize. It is Thursday night and we just finished watching the movie Dear John. Both Mike and Bobby yelled at me for getting a sad movie. I just wanted a good love story, I should have know that a Sparks film you always cry. Anyway they sat through the whole movie with me. Bobby just took off for the gym he is getting so big. He is going to see some of his friends in LA when he comes in June, I don't think they will recognize him. It has been a long time since he has been back. Mike is getting stronger each day, but I have to buy him some new clothes he has gotten skinny. Bobby says I sleep more than the cat so that is why I have been a little laxed on the blog. Mike and I will celebrate our 22nd anniversary tomorrow. I can truly say it has been the best 22 years of my life. He has made me a better person and I thank him for that. I really like him with all my heart and I love him with all my soul. I hope he doesn't leave me.

Past

I knew if we were going to be a family that was going to survive, both mentally and financially we were going to have to make some major changes. It was really hard for me, and my family and friends were going to be affected. We had come to Phoenix and found a house in November of 2001. everything was changing the whole world was changing so why shouldn't we. It was good it was going to take 10 months at least to build the house. I wrote the check the first time we saw the models. We were getting so much more than we could ever get in LA. This also gave us time to get ready. I started buying things for the new house. I would stock pile it and put it in the garage. I knew I wanted all new stuff. It was going to be a new beginning. The kids weren't so keen on the move, but I knew they would come around. I kept it a secret for the majority of the 10 months time. Mike and I worked hard to make sure we were out of dept and going in clean and free of any bills. We were exhausted and stressed out all the time. We didn't know the effect it would have on our health. That was almost 8 years ago and I have never regretted the changes we were about to make.

PRESENT

Just was notified by the Jack and Jill foundation that they are sending our family to Napa over the 4Th of July weekend for some much needed R&R. It will be fun with Jenni, Jeff, Alex, and Bobby great quality time and who knows maybe wine will taste good again. If not lemonade. The weather will be beautiful and not 120 degrees like here. Alex finally got her results back and she is OK. That was a huge relief. Jenni and Jeff are half way home from Denver. I think they had a really good time there. I am going to try to get more of my house organized this week before I leave on Sunday. Mike is at the doctors office now finding out if he needs more blood. It wouldn't surprise me if he needed a couple of more units. He is getting stronger, but not quite there yet. I love him so much our anniversary is Friday the 28Th it will be 22 years. We have certainly gone through a lot.

PRESENT

Trying to keep Mike on an upward swing hasn't been the easiest thing to do lately. I also have been trying to track down the results of Alex's biopsy. Today I called another office not her doctors to get results. This is the actual office of were she had the procedure done. They had no record of her. The time difference has put me calling at the wrong times. They were suppose to call me back. By the time I called there office it was closed at 3:00 pm shit now I have to wait until Monday. I do have good moments like when my friends Mimi and Doug sent us a large weeping Buddha. You rub it's back and it is suppose to take your sorrows away. I will be rubbing the hell out of his back. I have such great friends. I love being around them and remembering the easier times we have had together. I am really looking forward to going on my trip, to Hawaii and then to LA. Jenni and Jeff are with friends in Denver now. Alex has turned her two week notice at work. Pretty soon we will have our whole family together. I am super excited.

PAST

The house hunting was a nightmare. We were looking at 500,000 dollar fixer uppers. Our friend Gary was trying to get us to move over to Phoenix. He was running a golf course over there. There was also Wayne getting involved with the hockey team the Coyotes. It was a perfect fit. The only problem was nobody really wanted to live over there again. It is hotter than hell in the summer and there isn't a whole lot to do. It took many years to convince me that it was going to be a good move. We started to 2 day trips over just to see what it was like. The real estate market was great. We could get so much brand new for practically nothing. Alex and Bobby were doing quite poorly in school. I know it was because Mike and I were hardly home. I was starting to worry they would get in trouble. Bobby was in grade school and Alex was in middle school. This is time were your kids could easily go in two different directions. It was a crossroad in our life and we were about to choose the path.

PRESENT

Yesterday Mike went for his first treatment of Avistan. Some other cancer drug. I had noticed by his voice that he was getting weaker. I knew he didn't have a doctors appointment, so I went in anyway with him. I told Angela to please take a good look at him I felt something was wrong. Sure enough he was losing blood again. His hemoglobin was at 6.5 when it should be over 12. He we go again. He is going to have 2 units of blood this morning and then be checked on Monday to see if he needs 2 more. This is not healthy for him and he gets so weak. I will keep you updated on his progress.

PRESENT

I thought I better get my blog in this morning. My energy level has been depleted and I'm not sure why. Yesterday after Mike went off to work I slept the majority of the day. I hate that I feel I waste my time, but I truly can't help how I feel. Today I am going to push myself a bit more. After I get finished blogging I am going to iron my clothes, straighten the downstairs and maybe take a swim. Mike is pushing himself just a little each day. I hope to hear from Alex today on her results, I know I am just an overactive mother. I hope she is getting herself ready to move I can't wait to spend time with her. Jenni won't get back until May 24Th now.

PAST

It was nice the following years after the walk. Mike and I had a lot of new friends, Mercedes and Gus introduced us to the Oak Park gang. We would go out to dinners, go to parties at there homes, and they all had nice homes. We would meet at the gym. It became keeping up with the Jones's and we were falling farther behind. I started working 60 hours a week and Mike was working full time putting Wayne's memorabilia company together. I was running the floral department at Calamigos Ranch by then and had weddings almost every weekend. Jenni was heading to Arizona for college. It seemed we had no time really for our kids and to try to keep up with our friends. We had friends down in Malibu, West side, Calamigos and Oak Park. The stress was overwhelming. We also had our families in Westlake and back in the Midwest. We loved being with everyone, but physically and mentally we just couldn't handle the pressure.

We decided to really concentrate on making enough money to buy our own home. In California at the top of the market this was going to be almost impossible.

MOMENTS

Just spent a great day with my brother Greg, Mike, and Donna at the Phoenician pool. Had a couple of beers and they actually tasted good. Can't say I would make a habit of it but it was good today. I am a little worried about Alex talked to her today and I think she is a little apprehensive about moving back to Arizona. I just really need her now. For the first time in my life I really feel needy. I feel an over whelming guilt about that, but I can't help it and I won't apologize. I am now going to enjoy watching a movie with Mike.

MOMENTS

Had a very relaxing day today with a dear friend. Really puts life into perspective to know someone who isn't related to you by blood could be as close or closer than a blood relative.Thanks D love you and miss you often. You are one of my sisters.

PRESENT

Every time I think I am on the high road I hit a pot hole. Talking to my daughter, Alex, today she was telling me she didn't feel good. She had some abnormal cells in her last pap smear. I think this is pretty normal, for a young girl, so they did a biopsy, but after telling me about her biopsy I fell into instant despair. All I could think was, God don't do this to me don't do this to us. Please just leave us alone. I pray with all my heart that she is fine. The doctors don't seem to be worried so why should I. Who am I lying to, they were never worried about me either. I am having such a hard time getting my family put back together. I feel like such a failure, and I know everyone would say differently, but that doesn't change the way I feel. How could someone so strong be falling so apart. I think I will go outside and lay in the sun, it always makes me feel better.

PAST

When the a commercial came on the TV about the Avon 3 day walk Mike and I agreed together that we would participate in it. We would walk from Santa Barbara to Malibu a 60 mile walk in 3 days. We went to the meetings for fundraising. We were all excited and knew this would be good for us to put our lives back together. One thing lead to another when newspaper and TV news stations starting calling. They liked the idea of a young husband and a two time breast cancer survivor walking together to bring awareness to this horrible disease. We learned so much from walking for ourselves and what other people were sacrificing in fighting cancer. We laughed and we cried. We were touched by other cancer victims and we touched other victims. When people gather for something so emotional so much love is brought out. It was 3 days that neither Mike or I will forget. My kids were so young and I was fighting so hard to always be there for them. It was away for us to move on with our lives and move past cancer. So we thought.

PRESENT

Today has not been a good one for me. I felt like I had the flu all day. I laid around and did nothing. I was glad that Mike was able to get out on his own today. He walked then went to work. Right now he is at the doctors office for pain management. He is doing so much better. I wish just once we could be on the same page so we could have a great day together. My girlfriend Mercedes son is graduating form college this weekend. I am so proud of Dom it is hard to get through 4 years of college and come out with a degree. I don't think we can make it down to Tucson and I am sad about that. I wish for a very successful future for him. Jenni and Jeff should be heading back to Arizona on Saturday that will be good. I really enjoy having my kids close by.

PAST

When I got to my room from surgery they were able to give me the pain killers. I remember everyone waiting at the door too come in. I couldn't wait to hold Jenni and Mike. I felt so broken and I knew they could help me back to life. The years to follow were going to be tough. My family was always by my side. I would go through many reconstructive surgeries. I never realized when I was going through the many stages how difficult it would be on Mike. I was never shy about any of the stages and Mike was there to make me laugh. I will never forget getting ready for the 3 day walk for Avon breast cancer foundation.

PRESENT

Just got home not to long ago. I found out that my dear friend Ken is now cancer free. The thrill to actually be told those words most be amazing. Miracles do happen and it doesn't mean it can't happen to us. I decided to come upstairs, they put me on a new pain killer that makes me very tired and not hungry. I did go to lunch with my brother Gary after Mike's doctor appointment. We ate at True Foods a restaurant Dr. Weir's concept. It is very good and healthy. It was nice to get out of the house with my husband. We are also very glad to get home. I am going to lay down now my spine burns and I'm tired. Maybe I will write about the past later. I am so happy about Ken.

MOMENTS

Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms out there. I can honestly say there is nothing more rewarding than being a mother. My children have proved that to me. Love you all.

PRESENT

Today wasn't great. The pain meds don't seem to be doing the job as much as I like. I still have that burning sensation down my spine. Dr. G gave me some new pain killers, but they are so strong I only take a half. Then Bobby gave us some news about his grades that I was furious with. I would ask him everyday how school was going and he always answered the same. That he was caught up with his classes and grades were good. OK kids lie now we have to play ketchup on his classes before the end o f the school year. He has to maintain over a 3.0 in order to go to Canada for hockey. Those are our standards and we know he is capable. We will set up conferences next week with counselor and the teachers he is not doing well with. Not something we really wanted to deal with. I guess it doesn't matter how much is on your plate, there is always room for more. Even if your full. He has 3 weeks left of school he will get it done!!

PAST

I prepared myself for my double mastectomy as much as one can. I visited with Dr. H a female plastic surgeon who specializes in reconstruction. Mike and I liked her a lot. She and Dr. A the general surgeon had worked together before. When I came out of surgery she was the first one I saw. I grabbed her by the collar. My voice was rough from having a tube down my throat. The first thing I cried was I am in pain, the second was how is Mike. She assured me that once they got me to my room I would be better. She also assured me that Mike was fine, he had been there the whole time. Mike never left my side through all my surgeries I went through. I had gone through a lot in the past and the future wasn't going to be any different. We were about to go into a whole new chapter of our relationship. It wasn't going to be easy in any way shape or form. Mike and I loved and still do love each other like no others. This will keep us stronger as time goes on and time is going to test all our limits.

MOMENTS

Dr. G called me today to give me the results of my blood work-up. WE CAN SCREAM YEAH!!!!!!!

My tumor marker was at 60 it is now at 18. Average would be 38. In other words this news is great the meds are working. I couldn't be happier. Did i tell you Monli is taking me to Hawaii. I can now relax.

PRESENT

It has been a couple of days since my last post. I haven't felt that great my back has really been acting up. I started on my closet only to end up with a bigger mess. Mike has been moving around a little bit more. I make him walk around the back yard. He has been gaining rounds each day, he started with 3 and now he is up t0 10. Sounds simple but it is not. I received the paperwork for the sale of the store, I will sign them and send them to Jenni. Yesterday I went for treatment. It isn't so bad and it could be be worse. I walked around an outdoor mall just to feel like I was still with the living. My girlfriend Monli called me the other day still pushing me to go to Hawaii with her. I did say that probably July would be a good month. That was all she needed a green light. I got a call back that the calender for May 31st - June 4Th was best and now we are going. I wonder what happened to July? Anyway I am very excited to get away, just her and I, I don't even know what island we are going to. Luckily Mike is OK with the plans, I am trying to get him to bring Bobby over to LA after I get back to see some of his friends before he leaves for Canada. Today I need to start working on straighting my clothes. Doctor G. prescribed me some more pain killers to help more with the burn in my spine. I sure hope it works!!!!!

PAST

Bobby was just a toddler, but a very intuitive one. He would go to all my doctor appointments with me and sit there very polite. I think that is one of the things that gives Bobby so much compassion for other people. The double mastectomy was decided with reconstruction starting immediately after. Dr. A allowed Dr. H to be in surgery to step in right away after the double mastectomy. Everything detail was scheduled and put in place. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was going to go like it did. I kissed my husband and children goodbye as they wheeled me down to surgery. The majority of my family and friends were there. It took over 8 hours. I will never forget how I felt when I came out. LIKE A MAC TRUCK HIT ME! I was in so much pain to much to cry. They couldn't get me out of anaesthesia fast enough and get the pain killers in. No one can ever prepare you for massive pain, and there is no comfort that anyone can bestow on you to make it help. Time is the only thing you can wait for.

PRESENT

OK so my horse came in second I didn't have any money on him anyway. I made Mike yesterday get a little exercise. One day at a time I will get him stronger. He fights me a lot so I figure he can fight the cancer with the same force. Bobby and I looked at some apartments on the other side of town. We actually liked a few of them and think they will work for us when we decide to sell. I am moving forward in everything we do no looking back. Today I will tackle my closet it is a wreck.

PAST

Mike and I had to now deal with the aftermath of the news that was presented to us. Unfortunately before we could think much we got more bad news. I don't really remember the chain of events, but our sister-in-law was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia and Betty Mike's mother had a large mass of melanoma cut out of her. Soodi would have to go through massive amounts of chemo and Betty was going to have to heal from her surgery. All those Brown boys were going to have to take care of there own wives. We would take care of each other over the phone. The doctors were still trying to decide what course of therapy they would use on me. The phone would ring once more with the news that Mikes aunt Wilma (who we were very close to) had died of complications of breast cancer. Mike had to fly back to Greenville Ill. to be a Paul bearer at the funeral. I stayed home with the 3 kids. It was in early evening that I got the call from my oncologist. He had told me that after reviewing my case with a panel of 12 doctors that the unanimous decision was to do a double mastectomy. There I sat again alone with news that was going to change my world. You know the old statement "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" at this point I could probably fight for heavy weight champion of the world. Who do I talk to now. Everyone was dealing with there own problems.

PRESENT

Yesterday was an absolute bitch. I had the garbage disposal man coming in to replace the disposal. Then I had the movers coming to take away half my home interior to be auctioned. That is so Mike and I are ready more for when we decide to sell in the next couple of months. You really don't realize how much one accumulates in 8 years in 4000 square feet. My sister Debbie was here to do 95% of the job she is unbelievable. The movers were great 2 guys super nice. My pain patch had worn off, I forgot to change it the day before and my back and ribs were in excruciating pain. Mike was still bed ridden. Several times I broke down into uncontrollable sobbing. I think it was a combination pain and having my life hauled away. Debbie Talked me off the wall several times and sent me to my room to lie down. Jenni and I are one step closer to selling the store. That will be a little bitter sweet. Today was better I got Bobby to clean out the trash in the garage and clean his room. Goodwill has been benefiting from us quite a bit. The Kentucky Derby is about to race I think I will root for Ice Box. We will see.

PAST

I was at Janet and Wayne's house. Mike was playing golf with Wayne, John (a friend from St. Louis), and Peter Berg. I remember so well. Janet and Debbie(John's fiance) were upstairs, because Janet wasn't feeling well. I was downstairs and was on the phone behind the bar. The sound in a doctors voice is always the way to know weather you are getting bad news or good. Dr. A my general surgeon's voice was weak. Jeanette I am so sorry he would put it, but I regret to tell you it's breast cancer again. He was in tears I think, I would convince him it was OK that I had gone down this road before and I could easily go down it again. I stood there for a while stunned, but not surprised. I simply grabbed the best scotch and calmly fixed myself a cocktail, took a big swig and headed to the country club. You rehearse over and over in your head how your going to handle breaking the news to the most important person in your life. My girlfriend Debbie drove me up to the club where we were going to meet the boys for a drink after they had played 18. I was calm and cool. We sat there and chatted about there round of golf. They joked about their day. I was patient. They talked about playing another 9 holes. I mentioned to Mike that we needed to discuss some things. What could be more important than another 9 holes Peter would say. I told him it was doctor stuff. He reminded me that he played a doctor on St. Elsewhere and he probably knew the answer or had good advice. That's when I blurted out that I had cancer again. Silence, I broke the ice by saying, OK to another 9 holes, but I got to drive the cart and drinks were on him. And away we went, we would deal with the other later.