PRESENT

Who new that leaving for 3 weeks took this much prepping. I keep thinking I have more I need to take care of that I'm leaving not done. The hardest thing is packing without over packing. I am such a shoe freak, and I have to pack boots. I was trying not to have to check any luggage. to many connecting flights and I don't want to take the chance of loosing any luggage. I will have to figure it out. Different locations same clothes. I can't wait to see everyone. I know Bobby is super anxious for me to get to Kelowna. The house is the biggest pain in the ass. I know I will get it done and my luck they won't even hardly show it. Rachel just want to let you know it was sometimes a 3 but got up to a 8 a lot. I still want to thank everyone for their love and support I keep receiving. I got my hair done a couple of days ago and I just can't get into the style. I know Mike I still have my vanity, but you loved that about me I think or were you rolling your eyes at that too. Love you anyway. Night.

PRESENT

What a beautiful morning it is here in AZ. I am outside with my coffee jotting away. Mike and I use to love drinking our coffee out back. All the birds seem to be chirping at the same time, and the air so cool and refreshing. You do that because you know it is going to get really hot. Savour the moment. Yesterday Mike would have been so pleased I spent the whole day in the garage. I can now pull Grandpa's old truck in the garage, and my car. We have never been able to do that the whole time we were married. At the same time Melinda came over, and painted the 2 bedrooms. What a fresh coat of paint will do. Friends started stopping by about the time we were finished. Scott, Connie, Carrie, Melinda and I just sat around drank and I fixed some really good food. Which they always tease me about, because of what staples I keep in my kitchen to whip up. I thought every one did. We had a great time talking and laughing about what Mike would have done or said. I am not the only one that misses him. I really didn't realize he rolled his eye's at me that much. It most have been behind his back. Well got to get going the carpet cleaners are coming today. I will be glad when they are gone.

MOMENTS

Just got up had a cup of hot tea now I am about to tackle my garage. Melinda is suppose to come over and paint the Jack and Jill rooms, I hope she still is need to get it done or I will do it. I wrapped up a lot of Mike's stuff yesterday that was hard. I am glad the majority of it is over with. I really can't believe it has been a Little over a month. I have been to busy to even worry about missing him. Yesterday I missed him a lot. Questions only he could answer kept popping into my head. The answers unfortunately were only in his head. Well off I go for a full exhausting day. Makes it easier to sleep at night.

PRESENT

What a wondeful night I have had. I made myself a wonderful platter of olive nuts and fruits with bruchetta and meats. Had really good Cab from good friends vinyard in Malibu Saddlerock. Thanks Lisa. I watched a beautiful sunset and now enjoying the stars. These are the times I Really feel Mike is still around maybe in the kitchen or walking around the pool. Just because someone you love is gone doesn't mean they aren't still around. Please don't be afraid to talk about Mike with me he is still in my heart and soul. I am so grateful for what I was able to experience. If any of you are able to have a fraction of that you are so blessed. I was once asked if I were sitting on the porch across from God what would I ask him. I guess now, I would ask if I could I have one more great feel good day with Mike. I love you honey goodnight.

MOMENTS

Oh my freaking god does the paper work ever end. I am drowning been up since 5 am trying to get it down. I am about to blow my head off. Got to go take Jeff to airport. Hope he has a great trip and an even better camp!!!!! No more drinking Jeff got to make the team in Chicago I know you can. Plus that is were I want to spend Nov. or Dec. for only like a long weekend. Don't get scared.

PRESENT

The last two days I have been trying to make my flight arrangements for my trip. It got to be very hard because none of them were direct flights and I had to coordinate them with the cruise. Finally at 9:30 last night I realized I had not eaten anything that day. Thank God I had left overs.

So today I started really working on the house getting it ready to put on the market Sept. 4Th. That will give my neighbor 3 weeks without anyone in the place. It will be nice not having to watch people go through, and hopefully it will sell. I soaked in the bathtub I was so sore. I have friends coming over this weekend to help thank you very much. One day I will have time to thank everyone personally for all the love and support. I think I will lay down now.

PRESENT

Half way through my busy day I started to feel uncomfortable. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way. I came home fixed myself a really good meal, pork loin, mash potatoes, and broccoli with cheese sauce. It was early but shortly after eating I just fell asleep. I woke up when Bobby called. Then I realized my phyentenal patch wore off. I am a f--king dependent. That is the nice way of saying addict. When is the medicine I take going to heal my bones enough that I don't have pain. I hate this shit. I made my doctors appointment for the 3rd of September. The day before I go to Denver, Alaska, and hopefully Kelowna. I will be gone about 3 weeks. I hope I feel good I would really like to experience some new stuff. Last time we went to Denver my sister's and niece had such a great time at an amusement park. We ran around like little kids being very physical. I hope nothing holds me back this time. I want to play again. Mike I missed you today you would have loved dinner. Night Mike.

MOMENTS

Just went to the movie Switch and pizza with my girlfriend Elizabeth. It was great to see a good movie and laugh out loud at dinner. It has been a long time to just hang out. Thanks girlfriend I needed that!!!!!Bobby just called to let me know that this week was going to see if he has it to be with the big boys. Good luck Bobby. Alex good luck tomorrow at UMSL. Jenni I hope you feel better. Now I hope I can sleep through the night without waking up. Night honey.

MOMENTS

Oh my God. Just did the coolest thing. I just i-chated with my son, daughter Alex, and nephew Chris all at the same time. This is a new way of really filling a void. I love it my i-chat name is az02mjb9999 I think. I will have to try again to really get it down. Loved seeing all of them in one room. St. Louis, Charlotte, Kelowna and Phoenix assume. This i really going to make my life a lot calmer.

PRESENT

I spent the first day completely alone. Spent 3 hours going through Mike's medical bills. Caught up on All My Children, while I cleaned. Wasn't to bad until I went to the grocery store and realized I was buying for one. I think I talk to myself more now so people may look at me strange. I always was a little weird, so what has changed? I only cry when I take a bath. Mike and I spent a lot of time talking to each other there. It was private and relaxing. It still is. Tonight I thought about being terminal and what that means. I just thinks it's a reminder that all of us are here for a short time. So make the best of life. You can think that way as long as your not in pain. Pain is an evil, all on it's own. I am not a drug addict, but if I didn't have the pain killers I wouldn't be able to function. I'm in bed now and I don't have to worry about any one coming home late. I hope there all safe. Mike I think the kids will be just fine, me too. Love you night.


Past

Still can't remember. I wonder why?

MOMENTS

Had a group of friends over last night. I was pretty wiped out by the time the night was over. Had a glass of wine and it really didn't sit well with me. Made me real sleepy, I think my body just hasn't adjusted. My girlfriend Monli from Malibu wants me to go on an Alaskan cruise with her Sept 11th. I told her I would go. Right before that I will be in Beaver Creek with my sister, mother, and brother. I should be able to relax in both situations. There are a few things that I want to take care of before I go anywhere anyway. Monli is the best. I think I'm her new boyfriend. Just kidding.

PRESENT

Just got home from having a little going away dinner for Alex. Grant flew out to drive her back to St. Louis. Delta Airlines screwed up so bad he spent the whole day in airports from 10:00 am to 8:30 pm. They will leave in the morning hopefully they won't get lost like we did to Canada. Just got off the phone with Bobby, he sounds so good. Things are going very well for him up there. Mike would be happy. I will probably cry for a while tomorrow, but then I will get back into taking care of the mounds of paperwork that was left behind. I wish it wasn't so hot here. It makes it very hard to get things done. My girlfriend Melinda is going to move in on Saturday. She needs a little time to get her life in order. Her personal life is kind of shitty right now. I hope this will help her. I will talk to Lisa tomorrow about what else needs to be done to the house for the sale. I will have a little trouble moving out. I feel safe here. Mike is watching over me. It feels good, night Mike.

PAST

It is funny but right now I can't think about the past. It is to hard.

MOMENTS

I am all alone at home, but I don't feel alone. I wonder why? Maybe it's because Mike always made me feel so safe here. I still can't believe he is gone. He seems so close maybe he is here. Honey I love you, now and forever.

PRESENT

Each day seems to bring me new challenges. Have an appointment with my lawyer again. Mike didn't recieve a package so I have to make sure that any money that I recieve is managed well. The was good news in my life Bobby called last night. He sounded great. He had a great workout on the skating treadmill. Then last night he skated with some of the pro's that are working up in Kelowna. He said for not being on the ice for over a month he was able to hold his own. Alex finally heard from UMSL so I think in a couple of days she will be set to go. I will miss her. I am going to meet my sister Debbie, brother Gary, and Mom in Beaver Creek first part of September for a week. That will be good. While I was gone my neighbors, Peter and Lisa, did some work on my house. Amazing it is that much closer to selling. Lisa will put it on the market soon.

PAST

The girls from Bunco were wild and crazy fun. It was something I think all of us looked forward to doing once a month. I was the oldest, but they never made me feel that way. Jenni was back at Calamigos Ranch running the flower business. Alex was learning the pitfalls of boys. Bobby was learning how to play hockey. Life was good. Mike was playing golf, and making his own friends through work, and hanging around the rink with Bobby. We seem to have the all American family, and i believe we did. The holidays would roll around and our house was decorated for every season. Mike and I made it a point to walk every morning. How perfect or close to it everything was. Our house was a home and we loved every bit of it. The parties, BB Q's and just having friends stop by on a whim. Mike made it all happen for me and I loved him for my life.

Last day in Kelowna. When we drove into Canada it was very hard for myself and Bobby. We had so many special memories over the last two years with Mike. The thought of him, not being part of everything that is going on it is so painful. I love the fact that the kids and I are getting along so great now. We spent yesterday setting up a bank account for Bobby, going to the beach, and walking to Earls restaurant for dinner. The kids never like me to take pictures, but I always do. We then stopped at a Cuban place for coffee and cheesecake. I here my nephew Robbie just got back from Japan, he was sent there for 3 weeks with the navy. I can only imagine that Beth and his daughter Izzy are happy to see him. It is going to be very hard to leave Bobby behind. I know it is the best thing for him. It is one step closer for me to move on and be alone. Alex will leave at the end of next week. Then Jenni the week after. Mike we prepared ourselves for this, but we didn't prepare for me to do it alone. I miss you so much, and I'm starting to feel lonely before it's true.

MOMENTS

It is Saturday morning and things are a lot calmer now. You see Thursday when we left Gazer ID we were given so many directions from different outlets we of coarse got lost.A trip that could have easily taken us 5 hours took us 8. Really beautiful scenery, but i wasn't with Mike a situation that we could have laughed off. No I was with a sick giant and a bitchy girl. Which in turn made me miserable and stressed out. We stopped in Peachland were Bobby will be staying and Cary and Cindy greeted us with a glass of much needed wine and home made pizza. It was really good. Then we met the girl who opened up the condo for us at 9:00 pm we were suppose to meet her at around 2:00pm. By the time we unloaded the car to get to the 11Th floor all of our composure was shoot. A huge fight broke out between the 3 of us and I was ready to leave the next day. We all went to bed angry and hurt. Were was Mike to calm everything down. In the middle of the night Bobby's fever had spiked so I had him lie with me. In the morning we all apologized to each other. Bobby left with Cary to check all the hockey stuff out, and Alex and I went to the beach. Everything is back to normal. Thank you Mike you must of intervened.

We made it to Couer D' lain how beautiful. This is differently a picture God created. Janet's house is amazing I will show you when I can download the pictures. I feel very relaxed and comfortable,which is a good thing. I have an 8:30 message which should put me into a very good sleep. We will take off for Kelowna tomorrow. I know the kids are really enjoying the day. They just got back from the lake.

MOMENTS

I am sitting in the bathroom of the Hilton hotel in Missula Montana. It is 6:00 in the morning all my clothes are in the car. We were to tired to get them out as this was the 5Th hotel we tried to check into last night at 9:30 pm. We drove 4 hours out of our way in Utah. Which you can easily do not much out there, but really beautiful country. I found out that of all 3 drivers none of us really likes to drive long lengths. Bobby is now running a fever, Alex is on her time of the month and there isn't a bone in my body that doesn't f--king hurt. Before I left my blood work up did come back good, so he basically said the pain was do to to much stress. Go enjoy life HA HA. We will spend the day at Janet's vacation home in Idaho spend the night there and leave for Kelowna Thursday morning. Then Alex and I will get 4 days of relaxation and a bittersweet goodbye to Bobby. Life is going to be taking me on many travels. I have a few major ones in the works. I don't want to say anything until they are for sure. Maybe I will finally get a publisher to tell my whole story? Wouldn't that be nice. Mike I would always do you proud. His famous line to me was always " Jeanette is nothing sacred!!

I just got back from the Apple Store had to get a lap top so I can I-chat with all my kids. They are going to be so spread out. Jenni in Chicago, Alex in St. Louis, and Bobby in Kelowna so no one has any excuses not to keep in touch. The doctor's appt. yesterday was pretty hard. Everyone loved Mike so much and looked forward to his weekly treatment. He was always able to make them laugh and feel good about the day. I won't find out tell Monday about my tumor markers. I also have to see my estate lawyer. Not that I have much of an estate. After that we are heading for Kelowna, Alex, Bobby, and I. Only a 26 hour drive. Once we get there it will be beautiful. Alex and I are staying for 4 days and just chilling out. So needed.

I am getting ready to go to the doctor. Everyone has a 6th sense when something isn't right, and I have that sense. I hope it is just my nerves. I have been under such huge stress that I hope it hasn't taken a toll on my health. I want to live for myself and my children. I want to be able to see what Mike was not able to see so I can share it with him. Things like Jenni getting pregnant and having our first grandchild, Alex graduating from college, and one day finding a man like her father to walk down the aisle with, and Bobby being drafted into the NHL one day. These are the things to live for and Mike was trying so hard. I can't give up and I won't.

MOMENTS

I am getting ready to go to the doctor. Everyone has a 6th sense when something isn't right, and I have that sense. I hope it is just my nerves. I have been under such huge stress that I hope it hasn't taken a toll on my health. I want to live for myself and my children. I want to be able to see what Mike was not able to see so I can share it with him. Things like Jenni getting pregnant and having our first grandchild, Alex graduating from college, and one day finding a man like her father to walk down the aisle with, and Bobby being drafted into the NHL one day. These are the things to live for and Mike was trying so hard. I can't give up and I won't.

MOMENTS

I have my good and bad days. this was a shitty day sitting in the social security office for five hours to find out that they have as the government has cut social security. All those years you work so hard for is just taken away. So tell me who is getting it if you don't know already. Thank God I have had my friends and Mikes friends to get us thru these last months. I thank all of you dearly. It is times like these I want to pick up the phone and call Mike. I would probably want to just yell at him for not getting his affairs in order, but how could he he was to busy fighting the demon that was killing him. I love you Mike and I could never be mad at you. I miss you and wish I could just kiss you again.

MOMENTS

I tried to get so much done today, and I did, but I only ended up hurting myself. My son was hurting both mentally and physically he did something to his back. He is so angry about his dad dying and leaving him to grow up on his own. He just doesn't relize he is not alone. I sent him to the orthopedic surgeon who is a good friend of mine. I feel bad, because I had to send my daughter Jenni too. She threw her back out this morning. I feel like I can't catch a break. I ended up having a mental break down, and my body shut down. Thank God for Alex, she put me to bed gave me a pain killer. Which I hate taking. I just couldn't take the pain any more. I sometimes forget I'm sick, or maybe it's because I don't want to remember. I am trying so hard to stop living with death and just start living again. Mike I know it is not your fault you did the best you could and I love you for that.

MOMENTS

I returned home last night a home without Mike. My kids are solace to me, and so is ashes my cat. I know he will watch over us always. I fear my son Bobby will need extra help to get through his grief. He soon will be leaving and I can only pray he will be ready mentally. Nobody will ever be the same without Mike, but we have to take strength from how he fought so hard to stay as long as he could. The flight home was beautiful. It was he if he painted the most magnificent sky for me. The clouds were soft and billowing. I felt him all the way home. Tomorrow will be another day of paperwork and getting my life in order. Lots of phone calls with lawyers and accountants. Alex and Jenni will be a great help to me. I will just take one day at a time. Good night Mike, don't worry I will be OK. I love you always.