Oh my Gosh I totally forgot about my blog. Alex and I went to Paris. We had a great 2 days running around Paris trying to see all the sights. We had a full day and a half to see the rest unfortunately I got the flu and was sick in bed. I did manage to get dressed, get to the Louve and have Alex push me around in a wheelchair. I then dropped her off to meet up with a friend from Canada "who plays hockey in Paris" and took the cab back to the hotel to crawl into bed at 6:30. Kinda of a bummer but I have to say it was the only time I got sick on our trip. We took the train back to Brussels to recoup.

Paris

It's Friday morning and Alex and I are all packed and ready to head to France. Our train will go through Lille France and then head south to Paris. The trains have been the biggest challenge. We were not aware of the fact that you have to pretty much have reservations for every where you go. And your reservations should ble eight days before you leave. Anyway we have really learned quite a bit.  We are happy to head to Paris and this is our first Train. Wish us luck.

Museum

We had a great time walking around Brussels and finding this amazing museum by the apartment. 

Brussels

I absolutely love being with the family and Brussels. We have taken in so much museums history chateaus. All amazing and still been able to relax. Soodi, Todd, and Chris have been great hosts. We have had great food at home and at the cafés. The city is so active. We are going to an Iranian restaurant tonight. We are heading back to the Central Plaza tomorrow so Alex can see the hustle and bustle of the city. Everyday just gets better. I'm going to cross my fingers that I continue feeling good we have a couple of weeks to go. www.ohtheplaceswellsee.blogspot.com

Brussels

We made it to Todd and Soodi house on Saturday. I have to say it was a bit grueling from the beginning. Alex wasn't feeling good at all and we had to be up at 4:00 am. Not a good start. The airport was packed and we just made our 6:20 flight. Do not over pack when coming to Europe it is insane. From there the flight was packed. We found out when we got to Brussels that Todd got called in and there was no pick up. We made our way to the outside both tired and on edge. There was a line of Taxi cars but no one would speak English to us. They where giving us a prices of 184 euros to get to where we needed to go.  A French man told us to jump in their taxi to the train station for 15 euro apiece. We did and from there we took the tram up to Montgomery circle. The difficult part was lack of communication and way to much luggage. We did make it and are enjoying are stay in Brussels. There is so much to see and learn here. Alex is feeling better and I'm pretty sure we are driving out to a famous chateau today. If I didn't tell you before loved Ireland.

Dublin

We have been in Ireland a few days and I have to say it's been great. The shot they gave me has helped me quite a lot. The flight over wasn't horrible. Although how can people sleep on planes if your not in first class. Totally impossible. So after checking into hotel we spent the afternoon sleeping. We then proceeded to go for a very nice dinner at a place called the bank. Yesterday around 3:00 in the afternoon we met a guy Alex met from the night before David at the Jameson distillery. I found it very historical and we all had a blast. We then decided to hit an old Irish Pub with music galore. The beer never stopped flowing and the people never stopped partying. Got home really late so unfortunately made today a bit of a wash. Now it's around 5 pm and we might go on a ghost tour tonight. We will see.

New drug

Yes trying out a new drug on me to help raise my RBC. Really enjoyed getting that shot in my stomach. Hopefully I won't get any of the side effects that they had me sign off on. One of them that it could make my tumors worse. Though chemo kills too. Spent today getting the electronics ready for the trip. The house is starting to look like a packing zone. Day after tomorrow. Can't wait.

Head trip

So today I'm going to put yesterday out of my head and focus on today. Getting ready to stain the shingles on my house. I'm not looking forward to doing that but it is one step forward. Like putting the house in a living trust so it doesn't go into probate. I did that the other day. Makes you think a lot about your mortality. Something you don't any think of until your in you mid to late forties. So up and running.

Denied

Today I was devastated today when I was told that I couldn't have a blood transfusion because my numbers weren't low enough to be severe. All of you that are out there that have ever been anemic due to low red blood cell count you understand the pain it can put you through. It physically fatigues your body. To walk up the hill and breath so hard that your heart beats so fast it feels like it is going to be ripped out of your chest. Your muscles burn like a furnace. Then depression sets in because you know it's out of your control. So why is it you have to wait until it's to painful to get out of bed. I'm about to get on a 11hour flight which is hard enough for a normal person. Then I'm going to a foreign country. What a f**ked up system. I luckily had a therapy session this afternoon and after crying my eyes out she made me focuss on the important parts of my life. I still have a future with my greatest gifts God has given me my children. My rational side of my brain is fighting with the irrational side of my brain. I need to stop the madness and enjoy the ride. I know days are going to be grueling and maybe if I can relax I will have great days.  Sorry got carried away. Maybe if I can get a good nights sleep I can go back to getting ready for my amazing trip. Oh I forgot to tell you Jenni, Georgia, Walker, and Duke the golden retriever made it to Linkoping Sweden today. Jeff was there to greet them with all his love.

new blog

Alex is in the process of creating a blog for our Europe trip. The blog name is
www.ohtheplaceswellsee.blogspot.com
So hopefully any one that wants to check it out will. We are so looking forward to the next month of travels. I have been feeling a bit weak, so tomorrow I will see about a transfusion. Just getting all the details done has been quite a task. Planes, trains and other transportation is now checked off the list. the hotels are now checked off the list. Time lines are now checked off the list. Penny's accommodations now checked off list. The list goes on so I won't bore you with that. I haven't been able to post pics for you lately so let's give it a try.

Saturday

It's one week before Alex and I leave for Ireland. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I was hoping to get another blood transfusion before I left. It's kind of a catch 22. They aren't quite low enough to receive one,but on the other hand they are still going down. What if they rapidly drop when I'm in Europe? I wouldn't know how to go about getting one. Also the cost could be quite high. I don't want to be tired this trip is very active and I want to keep up with Alex. Plus at the end of the trip I see my grandkids. Want to be up and going for them. I might be paranoid? I've already been there and knows how it feels. God I can only pray you help me out here. Still managing to walk Penny 5 miles so off I go.

Alcohol

I went out the other night with friends of mine Darren and Lynn Pang. We had a great time drinking, laughing, and eating. Isn't that what makes life fun. You would think. The next day my body didn't react well. I didn't have a hangover. I had  extreme fatigue. My body had a burning sensation and all I wanted to do was sleep. New lesson in new world of cancer. Alcohol doesn't mix well. Today is a new day feel great. I will walk the dog and enjoy the great outdoors. It was a good lesson for my upcoming trip to Europe. Stay clean and healthy.

9/11

I woke up today and my first instinct was to turn on the news. I just wanted to make sure life as we know it was ok. The media anymore makes us feel so vulnerable. I hate what the middle is going through it is awful. Hopefully peace will come to all. Today I'm going to keep myself as busy as I can so I can show life goes on.

Happiness

I have found that I have to stop trying to figure out what makes people happy. I think I'm doing the right thing, but in my world what ever move I make effects someone negatively. At times I wish I could be more like my mom. She has lived 35 years without someone she could vent to or share her feelings. Someone that would hold her when things were tough. I wish I didn't show my emotions on my sleeve. I suppose then I could never disappoint anyone. Life, I guess would be easier. Maybe if I had a Lobotomy it would suppress my emotions. Who am I kidding. All I can do from here on out is smile.

Europe

Doing well so big news. I'm taking Alex for a month across Europe. Dublin to Sweden. Planes trains and automobiles. Yeah. We are going to set up a video blog for those of you who want to follow. Starting the the 27th of September.  Stay tuned.

Bad days

I was so happy my son Bobby came home from college this weekend. I had been suffering from panack attacks or anxiety for the last couple of weeks. He always fills my heart back up. Unfortunately will he was here one of his best friends overdosed on heroin. My son was crushed. He has lost so many friends to heroin and suicide it breaks my heart. To hold such a big strong boy in my arms when he weeps is heart renching. So sad.

July miles

I did forget to tell you I got rel close to my goal of 100 miles just short a few. I needed a blood transfusion the last week of the month so I had to really push myself the last part. The hills were a bitch to get up. Would be so fatigued but I'm doing great now ever since I was transfused.

California

I'm back in LA again. The scene I was in before is starting to lose its luster. My girlfriend asked me to watch her dog and Malibu house for ten days. It was an offer I couldn't or wouldn't want to refuse. 180 degree view of the ocean a beautiful pool and view. I start on Friday. I plan on relaxing and soaking it all in. I'll go over there today and spend some time with her and her family.
New news Jenni and Jeff and the babies are moving to Sweden for the hockey season. I'm going over with her and the kids. Going to try to video tape as much as I can. Should be a lot of fun.

Four years

So here we are four years later. It sucks more today than before, but I'm not hurting just not happy like I was before. I'm not looking for sympathy I just wanted to let you know life goes on wether you like it or not. I don't feel him around anymore so I do pretend a lot.  I'll get through it all.

100 miles in July

Yes that is my goal. I have so far walked around 30 miles so far. It clears my head and makes me smile. I am heading to Minnesota to see the babies and my children. I feel great and hopefully heading in the right direction. Bobby is all signed up for his classes at Mo. State this fall and is very excited about the path he is taking. Mike would be proud. Alex is still searching for a job, let's keep our fingers crossed.

Independence Day

It was four years ago this precise weekend that my family got together and spent our last good time with Mike. We flew to Napa and relaxed with the father and the man I was madly in love with. In a beautiful morning ceremony I renewed the vows we had taken twenty two years ago. We laughed we cried and in the end we were really saying goodbye. As the Fourth of July fireworks exploded up in the air we rejoiced in a celebration of a wonderful life. I miss you Mike more than my heart can take as it slowly bleeds I will cry.

Birthday

It's hard for me to believe that I had Bobby 21 years ago. Mike and I were so happy. It didn't matter that Mike was working in construction and we where living at my sister Debbie's house. We just loved the fact we were having Bobby. The child the doctors told me would be risky to my health. I wouldn't change any of that for a second. Mike you would be so proud of the man you raised and I'm so proud he is the spitting image of you.

Fun

Now that's a word that is really trying to stay out of my life. It's memorial weekend and have to say pretty boring from my past life. You know the one that Mike was in. After all it was our wedding anniversary weekend. We would always make plans to have a BBQ and enjoy friends and family. So what am I doing now, well I'm doing a really good job of not scratching myself. Yeah hives come and go and stress me out a bit. The weather is beautiful and here I sit. Son of a bitch. My dog is even depressed something has to improve.

Really

So as you know I received the blood. Woke up on Tuesdays felt great walked Penny around neighborhood. Was able to do two weeks of chores that day. Wednesday wake up feel great again. Took Penny on our hike in Queeny park. Felt a little tired, but understandable. Had my mom, Alex, and my girlfriend Debbie over for dinner.. Everything went great. Thursday came and went to my writing class from 11-1. Enjoyed that time felt a little itchy. Afterwards arrived a my sisters luncheon had fun yacking with all the girls. I started noticing I was very itchy. Asked Alex to look at my back. Sure enough I was getting hives. Put a call into doctor was told to take Benadryl so I did. Next morning I was more covered in hives. Called doctor again nurse put me on steroids. Now covered  in hives called hospital this morning to ask ER if I should come in. Got off the phone with them and was about to call doctors exchange, I guess I was so tired fell back asleep. I'll keep hoping the steroids kick in.  My point is I would really like to catch a break. Two steps forward not four steps back.

Vampire

Got up this morning tired as ever. Made myself some breakfast and headed to the hospital. The things you have to go through to get a couple of units of blood. Next time maybe I should make my way into the night and do what the vampires do! Anyway it took four hours to receive my transfusion and it was well worth it. It has been four hours since I left the hospital and I'm already fella so much better. Why did they make me go through five months of anemia before they would ok the transfusion. Are the blood banks that low? If so would all you people out there that have great healthy blood give a little. I know I would appreciate your kindness. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt the hike with Penny weather permitting.  Chow for now.

So a Friday I spent the day at the cancer center. Always a fun thing to do. Alex did stay with me. They pumped me full of fluids. Tested my blood. Received a ct scan. Monday I will get a blood transfusion hopefully more energy. Give me some great athlete please. I will also get the results from the scan. Pray for them to be clear of any new activity. On a brighter note faced time with Georgia and Walker this morning that's enough to put a smile on my face all day. I'm trying to figure out why I can't post pics to my blog. I'll have to get Bobby on that. Not hiking yet but maybe next week. Hopefully.

New day

Starting to feel like my normal self. Can't wait for my coffee and for it to dry up here so I can get back to hiking. I love days where they start off right let's hope it continues. I miss my grand kids had so much fun while they where here. In fact I'm reconnected with a couple of my brothers I don't see or hear from that often. Shouldn't be that way but it does. I really think I'm on the road to recovery. Hopefully a little more social. Get out way more.

Confused

Another day goes by don't feel great. I'm very tired. If this is my decline I would like to know. Most stage IV cancer patience don't get to the five year mark after being diagnosed. January 10th 2010 was my day so were do I stand? Am I being kept around for a purpose I just can't figure out? When I feel great these thoughts don't even phase me. It's now when I probably only have a simple virus that I question my mortality. Not much different than dead man walking. I would drink myself silly, but I don't even enjoy drinking anymore. I don't take drugs to make me feel better. I might get high but can't stand smoke. I would eat weed unfortunately I'm not crazy about the body high. Hopefully when the virus goes away I can laugh again. Still need to write that letter to myself.

Crap

Still sick this really sucks. I did get a Zpak today so should feel better in a few days. The weather is unbelievable nice. I've missed out on about two weeks worth of hiking. I've done a really good job of getting the garden done. Hope I can reep what I sew. My writing classes are going very well. After I finish here the assignment is to write a letter to myself. That could be difficult. I might have to wait a day or two so I can enjoy a glass of wine.

Visit from the kids

Jenni , Jeff , Georgia ,and Walker came down to St. Louis this past week. I should have had a great time. Everything went well the babies were extra special open and friendly to everyone. Unfortunately  I was sick first the anemia got me down the allergies then some stupid virus. I'm just know getting over I hope.. You don't know how much sickness's like those can knock a cancer patient for a loop. I tried like it didn't bother me but fatigue is a bitch.
I love those little ones they are so adorable. The memory of my own children comes back with great pride. Mike and I struggled a lot but who really cares. We had such beautiful memories with all our children. I think what ever challenges my kids have with their own children they will all still be great memories..
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there..

Alex

Yesterday was better. I walked Queeny with Penny. I had therapy which helped me a lot. We discussed the actions in my life that were negative with my daughter. She made me realize that I should not be there to fix her. She is a grown woman and the choices she makes should be her choices. Not so easy for a Mom that wants to leave her children in perfect situations when I leave. That is the thing with knowing your going to die. You feel this overwhelming respond ability to fix everything. You have to realize the world is not perfect and some things should just be left alone.
Alex and I went to the movies and out to dinner last night and we talked not screamed. I will agree it was much nicer. I'm just a mom who loves her children very much.

Not a real good day today. Couldn't get out of bed. Found out I'm anemic and it's starting to take its toll on me. Did end up walking a couple of miles, then I had to eat some red meat just to feel better. I have a couple of friends that are not doing well with this cancer. My girlfriend is battling a rare form of sinus cancer she has been getting bad news left and right. Then just found out a friend of my daughters and our family at the age of 27 found out he has testicular cancer with mets to the abdomen. Ok this is getting out of hand when are they going to destroy this disease once and for all. It's running ramped.

I watched the fifth game of the playoffs last night Blues/Blackhawks with some of my friends. We had a great time all though the Blues lost.. Had more beer than I should and have to say not all that motivated right now. I had a doctors appointment this past week and everything seems to be stable which yeah is a good thing. I am anemic so I asked why. He said because of disease.. It seems so graphic like those little fucking cancer cells are eating my good beautiful blood. Really though I feel great. Penny and I are going to get up and hike before the day gets away from us. I've been planting quit a bit of new landscaping. Today I'm going to plant a vegetable garden. I know how exciting can I get. I tried being the wild girl again but it doesn't work for me anymore. I love the most to be outside with nature it sounds corny. I would like to go see my grand kids soon. Maybe I'll take a drive to Minnesota.

Go old hockey

Tired

Some times I wake up and can't remember what I'm suppose to be doing or what day it is. This was one of those days. I didn't realize it was Thursday until this afternoon. Thursday is my creative writing class. I was so upset to have missed my 2 hour class. I had nothing else pressing and the dates are on my fridge. From here on out I need to wake up look at what day and date it is and move forward. Now I'm tired and it's only 5 pm. I guess I'll have my bad days.

Things are changing

Yesterday I helped my son start a new adventure. He became a Brand manager for a company called Nerium. It's a company that I have used and am going to continue using. Something we are all concerned with aging cream and a cellulite cream. If anything can tighten up this skin I'll be happy. If you want to get any info on it contact Bobby at http://bwbrown.nerium.com/. Or at robertbrown1.nowsender.com. He can fill you in.
I'm pretty excited about the goals Bobby has set for himself. He studied for his personal training license and recently received that. He is going to school full time and transferring to Mo. State this coming up fall to finish his studies and play college hockey.
Alex is finding her way having been recently laid off from her job in Minnesota they closed the office. I think it was bitter sweet. She really wasn't happy living there,but I think she was ok with the job. Now she is in a dilemma . She isn't quite sure where she would like to live and work. Maybe Arizona, St. Louis, or maybe California. She is very open to new ideas. She is an attractive, smart, and a fast learner.
Jenni had a little taste of being back in business when she was back out in LA helping a friend out with the wedding business. I'm sure her travel home today is very exciting to her getting back to those to precious grandchildren of mine Walker and Georgia.  So fun and loving.
I have a lot of check ups next week, but to be honest with you I feel great and really am headed in the right direction.

Back and feeling good

I have changed so much in the last four years. My life is rich and flavorful. My children are heading in new directions and so am I. I started new adventures that is putting me in a much better place. It was time to fix me and by God I think it is actually starting to work. I go to therapy, that really helped, and I just started a creative writing class. My health is so far stable. Pretty good when most stats have you dying in a couple of years. I'm still hiking with my beautiful dog Penny Lane. I live a healthy life style with a drink every once in a while. Yes life my dear is getting better. I will always miss the love of my life. He just makes me more determined to reinvent myself into a more kinder soul.

I'm back

I'm alive who is still reading?