I'm feeling much better today. The steroid shot in the back hurt like a son of a bitch, but thank God it worked. My life seems to go on day by day. I'm not sure which direction I should head. I'm on 25mgs of fentanyl patch. Also the pain management doctor put me on an antidepressant. I guess that in my situation it's only natural that I'm depressed. Just on the inside not on the outside. I'm heading for California next week. Bobby and his girlfriend are also going. She is a sweet girl who has never flown on a plane. This should be quite interesting and fun. While I'm there I will see my doctor at Cedar Sanai. He is so smart and he has been through twenty five years as my Oncologist. I know I will figure out what to do next. I'm trying to prevent those road blocks that keep popping up to prevent me from enjoying my life and the people around me. I'm not so self centered to think that what I'm going through doesn't affect everyone in my life.

I couldn't wait for the doctor office to call me so I left a message this morning.  My heart pounded as I looked at my phone ringing with the doctors number. How does one answere a call that could possibly tell me I have months to live. I choose to say morning Jane, Dr. Naughton's nurse. When she gave me the news that the test came back negative that there was no sign of cancer in the fluid. I cried uncontrollably. Today even though I'm still in pain it's time to celebrate. I called my children and gave them the good news. It's kind of funny how you celebrate even though the cancer is still killing you. It's just not killing you as fast.  Thank you God.

I woke up in time to wish Jenni and the kids a safe trip from Moscow to Coppenhagen. She is going to visit her girlfriend and daughter for a couple of weeks.  I'm so happy for them.

This will be the longest day for me. Tomorrow I will get the results from my Spinal Tap. If the results come back with Leptominagitis in the fluid I will probably be in the fetal position in tears for a while. If it comes back negative then I believe champagne will be in order. I'm not sure where I stand on this earth. Jesus I'm holding your hand right now. Please keep me warm.

It's Sunday morning and I missed the FaceTime with the kids. My brain isn't working to good today. Thanksgiving in Greenville went really well. Betty was extra nice and not one argument broke out. I keep falling back to sleep so I'm going to finish this later. Sorry

Today I woke up in terrible pain in my back. All I could think of how am I going to get up out of this bed and wrap my head around a spinal tap at 9:15. You have to remove yourself from your own body and just do it. So I got up put my feet on the ground cried a little bit and had Bobby drive me to the hospital. After talking to the doctor she said it was ok to take some vicodine. I popped 10 mgs in and started the prep for the spinal tap.  I had to lay on my stomach which wasn't easy to do in pain. She told me that the shots to numb the area where the needle goes in was going to hurt the most. She was so right. Long story short because of the holiday I won't get the results until Monday. That's one long weekend. If you have faith please pray that I don't have cancer in my spinal fluid. That would be a very short life expectancy.  I have to much to live for.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone we have a lot to be thankful in this crazy world. Kiss and hug someone you love.

Another day another piece of shit put on my plate. I thought last night I had pulled a muscle on my right side. I went to Physical Therapy and Occupational therapy today.  The PT therapist after doing a lot of evaluation didn't think that it was muscle related at all. She believed that maybe I might have fractured a small part of bone in my thoracic area. Back to pain management. Sometimes I am so scared because I am my own patient advocate. Always second guessing every move I make.  I'm trying to keep calm and stress free through it all.  Maybe drugs and alcohol is the way to go.

I went to see my Oncoligist today.  This time I wrote down all the symptoms that came back. Some of them are so bizarre that sometimes I don't believe them myself. Like the top of my left hand and the back of my skull itch all the time, but there is no rash. Last night I couldn't open my right eye. I wasn't quite sure if I was dreaming that happened, but I do know that the left side of my lower face was numb. I'm not sure what is happening I just know it is.  They have scheduled a spinal tap or lumbar puncture on Tuesday. They want to see if the cancer is in the spinal fluid. Please I am putting it out in the universe that it is not. Every prayer helps. I know a lot of you read this blog in the shadows because it monitors how many hits there are. I'm just asking that you pray with me on this one. It really isn't my time to go.

Alright here I am again. There was a reason I was sleeping so much. I kept telling the doctors that there was something was terribly wrong, but they weren't listening to me. My Oncoligist   just sent me to other doctors. Saw neurosurgeon, who wanted to do surgery because my C5/6 and C6/7  had degenerative disease. That's normal for someone my age. He did add in there that I also have cancer. Dah. Then on to a pain management doctor. He was a real trip. I let him know that pain killers didn't work. He asked me flat out what my doctors prognosis was since I do have cancer and I'm not on treatment. I wanted to punch him in the face..yes I'm well aware of the fact I have cancer. Yes I'm well aware of the fact that I'm past the  expiration date. My God they use to say your to young to have cancer. Now they ask me why I'm still here.  Well the symptoms got worse. I was urinating all the time. I couldn't sit or lay down for any time period or I would get up and not be able to balance. I was forever thirsty. My vision became itchy. I would have small tremors. The pain was-excruciating  in my back,neck,and down my arm. After two and a half weeks a blood test showed my calcium level was extremely elevated. They gave me a bone builder shot in my stomach a bio phosphate. Also prednisone to reduce swelling in the spine. Amazingly the symptoms stopped. What the hell without the blood test next stop would have been a coma.  Doctors need to listen to the flashing lights. I am really thinking I'm a number that has looked over.  I have an appointment with my long time Oncoligist in LA in December.

On top of all that Alex is in Dublin. Jenni, Jeff and the grand kids are in Russia. Mike's brother, his wife and son are in Brussels.  Right now I'm keeping an eye on Europe being safer.. My heart goes out to everyone effected by what happened in Paris we are so vulnerable.

I seem to want to sleep quite a bit. I'm once again missing out on loving life. If I get up to accomplish something simple I do it and then want to go back to bed. Very low energy. The other day I watched a commercial were people were running jumping moving so freely, I began to cry knowing that I couldn't. Each year it seems to get worse. The will or want to enjoy life. I know I can feel the joy of life I just need a huge push.

Ever since my wonderful day with the girls it's been a roller coaster. Good days and all out shitty days. When I wake up in the morning I don't know if the day on earth is going to be bright and sunny or just crap. I have had MRI and CT scans. I lay in bed with excruciating pain just to have a doctor tell me the next day that they can't figure what is causing the pain. The solution more pain killers and stinger each time. I honestly don't know how any one could get hooked on pain killers unless they work. Which in my case hasn't happened. They just dull the pain and make me nauseated. Right now I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better so I'm heading out to feel good.

I had a great day yesterday. Put everything a side, I joined friends and went glass blowing something I had never done before. It was fun and challenging. I made a glass pumpkin like Cinderella rode in to meet her prince. Then the girls met me in a very cool Mexican restaurant for margaritas, great food and a lot of laughs. It was good to put everything behind me.

I woke up this morning evaluating my day. Still in pain and nauseated. I know in an hour I have to put my head in a cone, emerge myself in a tube and listen to a machine nuke me like a micro wave. What could I possibly due the rest of the day to make me feel better? Can't hike with Penny because my back and right arm are killing me. Can't mow my lawn. Have a hard time cleaning my house. That I would even enjoy. It's funny how people react to you as a miracle that you lived so long with this disease. The radio tech yesterday was amazed. Why does this not give me reassurance that I'm going to live a lot longer. BLAH

I was mistaken on my condition. I had a CT scan not an MRI.  My doctor looked out and it and let me know that was normal for someone my age to have mild lumbar perforation. The problem I have was around the thoracic back area.  He ordered an MRI on my neck and back which I went through today. Two hours in a f*cking coffin that screams at you. I can't even fathom being buried alive. That two hours was hell. Guess what tomorrow morning I have a brain MRI. I can't wait! The worst part of it all I have no partner to hold my hand. It's a lonely hole I have entered and there is no way out. It's no one fault, but it doesn't change the fact it's hell.

I was able to get through the rest of the week. I the kids birthday we had a full day. Breakfast out then on to the Butterfly house. From there a nap then Jenni and I took the kids to a carnival. Walker thought it was his birthday party. I rode a child's roller coaster with Georgia which I probably shouldn't have done. The next day I was in great pain. By Saturday night I ended up in the ER with severe back pain. They did an MRI on my back to check for any fractures. No fractures but my back is slowly detereating. I see my oncologist tomorrow. In my world it's very scary to have to make an unscheduled appointment with your doctor.. The kids and Jenni are gone and sometimes it's easier to face things by myself. I don't have to see the disappointment on anyone else's face. Due for another pain killer. Right now I don't miss a dose.

Spent the day with my grandchildren. Had a blast. Then made spaghetti and meatballs for everyone which filled everyone with big smiles and stomachs. It's moments like these that makes living worth wild. I'm spent and ready to say goodnight. Tomorrow the kids turn three. Another big day.

So let's see. I decided I couldn't wait any longer and went to see my doctor yesterday. For some reason every time I would get up from sitting I would get dizzy. Normally a few cocktails would do that to me. No this was something different. They drew my blood nothing to out of the ordinary popped up. So he ordered a brain MRI. I get that on the 23rd. I was telling him that I thought I might have a heart murmur. He ignored me in a way. Then told me I had bigger worries than that. Hello. Haven't I've known that for over the last five years? Dah I've been pretty good that in January I'll have survived six years. Not many people can say that unfortunately.
Well I still mow the lawn. Hike five miles when I have time and eat very healthy. I did ask him why I have burning shooting pain in my arms. He told me it was narathopy from the chemo.  Well I didn't tell him that a couple hits of weed takes the pain away.  To be honest he probably doesn't know what to do next.
My daughter and grandchildren are coming tomorrow. Even though right now I kind of over did it today. I will be ready tomorrow for them.  They will be three on Friday time for a party.

I didn't realize I didn't tell you what happened before my last post. I had an allergic reaction from the chemo pills I had been on for two months. My memory is sometimes bad. I was in the hospital for a couple of days. I started to develop ulcers on the inside of my mouth, inside my nose, all over my lips, and on the outside my nose by my eyes. Then I had about 100 small blisters on my arms legs and chest. It was so weird and extremely painful. I could swallow, drink, or eat. It was impossible to sleep. Non of the doctors could figure what was happening. After about two weeks I checked myself into the hospital just to be knocked out enough to get some relief. I can happily tell you I am back on the mend and it feels great. My challenge convinced me to start writing part of my story.  Life is strange and always a surprise. You never know what is going to be behind the door in front of you..

Just catching up.. Feeling pretty good today.  Fall is starting to come in. It's a little chilly outside. Jenni let me know she is bring the kids down on the 14th so excited about that. My brother Greg is flying in on the 17th so that will be fun. Love to maybe do a short fall trip into the trees to see the changing of colors. Maybe it's good to just stay a way from the doctors.

My rebound is still ok. Only now about midday I start to feel sore all over.  In my mind I have all the great activities I'm going to accomplish only to retreat. I know most of my survival is in my head. You know mind over matter. Unfortunately cancer is a very strong matter.  Just to catch you up. Bobby is at Mo. State going to school and is the captain of the hockey team. He is such a great leader. Who knows he my as well throw his hat into the Presidential race. Everybody else is. I have forgotten what kind of leader we need. To bad Paul Newman isn't around at least he would have good looking and sexy. He was a good business man. Oh well. Alexandria is now living in Hermosa beach, great job, good money and gets to live by the ocean. Damn that was what I always wanted. I'm happy she got the life. Jenni is always in transition. Jeff is playing for that wonderful country Russia. Yes a great hockey league but the wacko runs the country. Jenni is still in Minnesota with Georgia and Walker. Just in limbo. Should she go to Russia or not? Big question. I kind of wish my life was a little more balanced. I should probably do yoga and learn to meditate. Another thing in my mind.

For those of you who still check in once in a while. I am still alive. I have had a wicked past year. I actually just went through a terrible drug reaction. Chemo sucks as we all know and it didn't fail this time. Now I am detoxing from all chemicals for the past three weeks and actually look like my old self. No blisters or ulcers. The past two days I've even walked ten miles. Yeah blogging may be back for me.. We will see.