Moments

Today I decided that it was OK to go cold turkey and not use my Fentenal Patches. They are pain patches that I change every 3 days. Well today I realized that mine must of fallen off in the last couple of days. Out side of being a little irritable I realized I wasn't in any pain. Not from my surgery or from the tumors in my bones. I went to my surgeon today and he was very pleased how I recovered. I just want to feel 100% again like a normal person. I long to hike and work out again. So if getting off meds will help I am all for it. I will be great in a couple of days. Hey Mike how about watching over me for the next couple of days would you? Night.

PRESENT

I sat this morning with Jenni talking about my options on were to live. My house is going to be gone sometime in February because of coarse the banks won't work with me. Oh well I am over it. Jenni and the kids want me to live were I will have the most activity and things to do. They are right if I don't keep myself busy what is the point. I am not old, I am not young, I am just in between. I thought I could set up my life in 2 different cities, but that is going to be impossible for now. Maybe later when things are more secure. Sometimes things don't plan out like you would like them which is OK. I do know Bobby is going back to Canada after he graduates from high school. Alex will return to St. Louis to finish College. Jenni will have to make decisions with Jeff on what is going to happen next year with Jeff's career. I will go on surviving like I always manage doing. PLEASE let 2011 a whole lot easier. That is my wish for the New Year. I believe in angels I pray they are near by I could use some.

PRESENT

I have enjoyed the last few days have been so special to me it makes me smile. Jenni, Alex, and Bobby get along so well. I truly am blessed with the best things in life. I hope that everyone holidays are as blessed as mine.

PRESENT

So it's the morning after Christmas and everyone had a great time. From the time they got up and Santa had delivered some special presents from Mike and the emotional part was less visible we went on to celebrating. Greg got up and started passing out gifts to everyone. Everyone was happier and happier as the day went on. The whole day there was no fighting or arguing. We had no issues and we were just happy to be together. Friends and family started coming by around 1:30 and appetizers were served. The night before Mike and Michelle came by with their 2 kids it is nice to children around during this time of the year. We rounded up the evening with dancing videos of fun and laughter. Mike would have loved to watch it all down here, but he was laughing his ass off upstairs. We all got a good night sleep. We also had a mystery dog come join us after dinner he had to go.

I am so amazingly happy right now I just had lunch with the kids and Greg on Xmas eve. We are walking around in beautiful weather in sunny Arizona. Our Christmas shopping is finished. Greg is coming tonight and spending the night. Tomorrow I now have 12 people coming for Christmas dinner and I am thrilled. Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday.

Moments

This is me through the eyes of Mike.


PRESENT

I go to sleep with tears in my eyes and I wake up with tears in my eyes. I know that the pain will one day go away. I just wonder when. It is a numbing pain that doesn't go away with any pill. I have empathy for all the people out there that feel how I feel. I so badly want to break out in laughter and feel the warmth of human touch. I know this feeling of pain will pass. No it won't, my rational side just tells me that. I don't want to depress any one. This is just the way I feel now. There will be a time I will laugh again and feel like I'm living. I just never knew that I had this much love for someone so deeply that I can't get past and move on. I don't want you to be depressed, but if you love someone, but your not quite sure how much, or how deep, don't ever let it be to late to truly enjoy the love. I use to ask Mike why did he love me so much. He just said "I just do, I love everything about you. Your good and your bad. I love your honesty and compassion. I love the way you dance, but you can't sing. I just listen anyway" Why is it I never saw those sides of myself. He brought out the person I was and want to still be. I don't want to be broken. I suppose if I didn't have the tears I wouldn't be human. I am glad I'm human and hopefully real.

PRESENT

Tonight I was realizing that 2010 was coming to an end. What a shitty year to live through. January I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. I had to go through 5 weeks of unbearable radiation treatments. Endure excruciating pain from the tumors that had invaded my bones. All along watch my best friend and lover die a dreadful death. Only to find out that I had to learn how to live the rest of my life alone. Then I saw tonight the most celestial skies taken by the Hubble telescope and realized those were the same skies I have been seeing ever since Mike died. Maybe there is a more beautiful universe out there that we go to after life. Just maybe it isn't that bad in the after life. I have to believe that God is the universe and were just passing through time to one day be with him in Heaven. It sure makes going through each day and night a little easier. It is a blessing that my children will be with me this Christmas. I'm glad I finally get what Mike was trying to tell me when I wanted him to travel the world. He just wanted to be with me and his kids. Mike you were always much smarter than I. Please make 2011 a kinder and gentler year for everyone. My journey with you was so beautiful I will never be able to replace those moments. I can only wish that new moments will be as blessed.

PRESENT

I have been laying in bed for the last couple of hours wishing I could sleep the night away. I got wonderful news today my nephew had a baby girl. I wish I could hold her. The human touch is so precious. I long to be held and feel the warmth of another. My children are older now, but the thing I look forward to the most is the hug from my kids, because I know it is real and pure. Especially when baby Huey gets home he is so big I will feel so small in his arms. I will feel safe again. My surgery has left me a little depressed. I know it is do to all the chemicals in my body. I really need to take yoga classes to flush all those toxins out. I was able to get some things accomplished today. That is always positive. I think I'll leave on that note. Mike I still constantly think about you were ever you are I hope your happy.

PRESENT

I woke up this morning to the plung of my cat landing on my gut. Cats don't understand surgery. It was quite painful but I will survive. I can tell Christmas is getting close because the people I have talked to are getting testy. Why can't it be people laughing and singing or at least being nicer to each other. If your not doing anything get out and do something. If you can't get out of the house get on the computer. I am going to make it a point to do some mote shopping today on line from my bed how great is that. I am going to enjoy the day hope you can too. HAPPY HOLIDAYS !

PRESENT

I made it through my hesterectomy with flying colors. I am back home and resting comfortably. I feel pretty good and I think I will be out and about in no time. I love the thought of being around my family at Christmas. I believe we will have a wonderful holiday together. I can't wait. Laughter is what I am really looking forward to hearing. It has been so long.

PRESENT

I have for the last couple of days finished some of my Christmas shopping. I have been drinking this God awful stuff. I have my surgery scheduled tomorrow morning. I hope that I can just get past this shit. I would like to get on with my life. I am so looking forward to Christmas so I can see all my kids. It is hard to get through things with out Mike but together I think we will be alright.

Present

I know that each day that is presented to me is a challenge. Sometimes it is so freaking hard no matter how I try to control the situation. Other times I wish I didn't even have to deal. I didn't buy into this alone thing. It wasn't my idea so sometimes I just don't want to play. No I take that back I don't want to play at all. Apparently it's just a bad day. I'll push through.

PRESENT

What is it about 3:00 in the morning that one wakes up. This is the time I have been waking up and I can't get back to sleep. I have weened myself off Ativan 12 days ago and I was so excited, but the last couple of days 3:00 am has been the norm. I do have a lot on my plate. One is that it looks like I have to be out of my house by the first part of February. The decision of where am I going to live is now the Question. I have 3 choices in my book. I could stay here in Arizona were my doctors are, move to St. Louis were my family is, or move to California were the majority of my friends live. I am leaning towards the later California. I would still be close to my doctors, my chances of getting a job again are greater, so I'm not just sitting around. I can still see my friends here in Arizona when I come for treatment once a month, and my Mom I could see more. My greatest support system is in California. Not that I don't have great support in St. Louis and Arizona I do. I have asked my children and 2 out of 3 would like to see me in LA. Alex of course would love it if I would live in St. Louis. I just don't like the winter months. I'm really not crazy about winter. I learned that when I was up in Canada. I talked to one of my girlfriends in Malibu and she is going to look around for some guest houses in the area that have come up for rent. It would be great to have a room with a view. Could I be so lucky, maybe that has changed luck and all. I think I will try to get back to sleep.

PRESENT

I returned home last night and found the comfort of my house and cat overwhelming, but good. I know it's just me, but I am starting to feel the relaxation of Mike around me. He is differently watching over us, he has exposed himself in small ways. I can't explain the sense I get and I want you to know it's loving. Not heart aching like before. I know I will never see him in my lifetime, but maybe in my next and that's OK for me. I will start decorating for Christmas today and it's because I want to this year. In the past 5 years it became a chore. I had to many much more important things to take care of not this year. My children will all be here and I want it to be a good memory. A memory of all the laughter and loved that has filled this house. Mike will be there with a smile on his face. No longer in pain or scared of what faced him. He knew I would be there to help our children through the heart ache. Mike we will continue to make you proud. I also want to thank everyone for there kind thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you are enjoying the journey. That is what life is all about the JOURNEY.