Present

Still haven't heard any news from the doctors. I feel they don't have the same sense of urgency I have. Maybe they are to busy to worry about one patient with cancer! Oh well not going to dwell on the fact I'm on hold. I have been in a funk since I got home last week. I'm not going there today. I'm going to start exercising again. I had been walking 3 miles a day up to then. I'm meeting Jenni and the babies in LA on the 12th of December if all goes as planned. I want to look and feel my best. I really can't remember the last time I was there. We are flying back to St. Louis on the 18th for Christmas. Alex, Bobby, and Jeff will meet us there later. I love the fact I get them all under the same roof for the holiday. Even if it is only for a short period of time.

Past

Leaving Phoenix was not an easy task. July of 2011 over the past months I had to sell the house, go through years of collectibles in my home and say goodbye to people I truly cared about. I had a small cat named Ashes, little grey cat that had kept me from going insane over the past year. It is amazing what an animal is capable of doing to ease the pain. Unfortunately he disappeared two weeks before I left. Did I really have all my facalties at that time, I think not. Grief is a very controlling thing. You really think your making rash decisions, but in all honesty your not. I would have done things much more differently now. I think back and finacially I could have made better choices. I did have that underlying death sentence hanging over me, but as you can see I'm still here. That is I'm trying my hardest to stay alive. So through all the chaos I managed, with a lot of help from friends and family, to move. This impacted the despair I was so eager to hide. Once again I fell back into a hole of my own deception. I was very good at playing roles and this was just another feeble attempt of pretending I was making the right choices.
When I returned to St. Louis I thought for sure I could put my life as fragile as it was back together. After all my two youngest children were there. My family was there. Why wouldn't I be OK. Oh yeah the largest part of me was missing. The person who had given me my true identity was gone and no matter how hard I tried he wasn't coming back. When I settled in the home I rented his picture was everywhere. I wanted to see him in every room and I did. It was over kill. Which in hind sight put me back a few more steps. I felt he was judging my every move. The truth was I was judging myself. It was in no uncertain word crippling.