PRESENT

Jenni and I are selling Sugar Magnolia. Rachel Jones is buying the store and we are very proud of her. I hope she loves the store as much as we did. The coyotes lost in the 7Th game of the playoffs so Jenni's renters will be moving out of her house. Jeff is also out of the playoffs so she is going to meet him in Minnesota for a friends wedding and to visit with Jeff's family and there friends. The moving company is coming to get the majority of a house to auction off. In 4000 sq. feet you collect so much over the years. We are starting to let go of cluter. It is not easy, but once it is gone it will be a relief. My neck and back have been bothering me, I am hoping because I've been working around the house more. I will discuss it next week with Doctor G. at my appointment and treatment.

PAST

I thought all my bad days were behind me. I was bathing when I felt a small lump above my nipple. I remember saying to myself NOT AGAIN. I decided to watch it until my next period cycle hoping it would go away. I didn't want to upset our perfect lives we had created. I remember laying in bed with Bobby. He was the sweetest most caring little boy I with long blond hair and big hazel eyes. He would give me so much affection and love. I decided then that I needed to go see my oncologist Dr. A. I didn't tell Mike right away. He examined the lump. "Jeanette' he explained "I really don't feel like this is cancer, but we will go through the series of test." You didn't have to fool me I had already been there. A biopsy was scheduled and unfortunately the worse was about to be presented to me.

moments

I just found out that one of our cousins just had to have emergency surgery to have her gallbladder and appendix removed. It would be nice if we could just have one good healthy month. One that no one got sick and had to suffer in kind of disease. I will take Mike to the pain management doctor today to figure why all his joints hurt now. He started his new cancer drug yesterday. Also a medicine to help stimulate his appetite. He did walk a block yesterday so that is a start. I am hoping this blog will help everyone that is wondering about Mike how he is doing. We will get him in fighting mode again.

PRESENT

Mike was released from the hospital. He actually looked better and felt better. I was feeling pretty good. I think that maybe we were able to go out to dinner once and maybe to see a movie before he started failing again.Honestly I don't think he was out of the hospital for a week before he was admitted back into the hospital. The test the guessing the not knowing. This really brings us to present day. I already told you how they thought it was an infection, then it was a fungus. Then they did the biopsy, only to find out the cancer had spread to the lungs. In all he was in the hospital 17 days in the past month. Now he is home and just trying to regain his strength. We hope that he will be feeling better in the next couple of weeks. I had a long talk with Alex today. She has grown up so beautifully. I feel her maturity level has grown so much. She will think it over and decide wether or not she will come home and go to school here or commute back and forth to St. Louis. I miss her and we have a different appreciation for each other. Jenni will return back to New York next week to be with Jeff until the end of his season, there is a game tonight to determine wether they are still in the playoffs. I wish Jeff's team the best.

PAST

Working for Calimigos Ranch brought me a lot of experience and a lot more friends. We were having so much fun. My next door neighbor had a little girl Bobby's age Chloe. She was so cute and her and Bobby played so well together. Then 2 doors down my friend Karen had 2 boys one Alex's age and one Bobby's age. I was a Brownie mom and Mike was a T-ball dad. Jenni had her best friend Jessica right around the corner. My friends of 13 years Donna, Mimi, Toni, and Arthur would join us or meet for dinner often. My sister Janet would get a whim and fly us all on a trip in a moments notice. Life was like it was suppose to be FUN. We established a relationship with Jessica's parents Rick and Sylvia and became close to there family. People enter your life for a reason and for us it was always for good reasons. To this day we still have these relationships, maybe not as often but just as tight. There are times I wish I could go back and relive them.

Moments

It's been a long day. Mike and I had some very serious talks about our future. Time is going to be extremely precious, not to be wasted. The choices we will make now will effect our whole family. We would like our children to make there own decisions, but unfortunately we are going to have to steer them a little bit. Alex is probably going to move back to Phoenix from St. Louis, Jenni, needs to make decisions on how much she can spend here. She is married to a wonderful guy who needs her by his side. Bobby we will have to decide later. A family discussion is going to be necessary. We need to sell our house and free ourselves of unnecessary stress. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. Everything changes from day to day. We really need to find the good out of everything. I'M NOT COUNTING OUT THAT MIRACLE.

moments

It's Monday and today we will make appointments with Doctors. Dr. S pain management doctor and Dr. G oncologist. Mike didn't have a great weekend got around the house a little bit,but not to much. He doesn't talk much or respond to what you have to say. I hope it is from him mending and not depression. Even though no one would blame him. I did have my family over for dinner last night. Hoping that a little social activity would do him well. I was wrong. He didn't eat much and just went to bed. Life isn't the same in our house anymore. People use to love visiting and it would go into the late night, not anymore. It is so sad. Sometimes I just want to cry out of self pity. Snap out of it Jeanette I would whisper to myself and continue on.

PRESENT

The Wayne Gretzky Fantasy Camp was under way. It was at the Beligio in Vegas. There is so much work that goes into putting a camp like this on. You have to have really great people around you. Mike had his trusted employees Drew and Mei Ling who supported Mike all the way. There are always people that try to take credit. But outside the transporters, trainers, coaches, Mike, Drew and Mei ling no one else can take any credit. This was the first camp that Mike really had a hard time with health wise. Even though he was behind the scenes making sure the important things were taken care of he was slowly deteriorating up in his suite. He lost 4 units of blood in those 7 days. He could hardly get around and relied on me to be his ears and eyes to all the functions. He wanted to make sure that all the campers were well taken care of. He also wanted to make sure Wayne was happy with the camp. We got back to Phoenix on Monday night. He was in the hospital on Tuesday morning. He was tested and given blood for a week. They let him out of the hospital giving us no answers to what was wrong with him. He seemed a little better but not my Mike yet. I worried every night what was happening to him. In the back of my mind I also what was going on with myself and only hoped God was taking care of me.

PAST

Mike was working for the Icedogs in LA before they moved to Longbeach. I was doing some catering mostly down in Malibu. He introduced me to Glen Gerson who was catering for the Icedogs. We hit it off right away. Glen invited Mike and I to the Calimigos Ranch. 170 acre facility that catered to weddings, parties, and picnics. He introduced me to his wife Monli who at first was very sweet, but not very trusting. They hired me to coordinate parties. I loved my new job and it fit into my schedule. I could be with my kids, still do my catering, and work on weekend nights for the ranch. Mike and I were really settling in establishing new friends and neighbors. We would entertain a lot. Our kids had plenty of friends tight relationships they still have. We are always being tested and we will get tested again.

moments

Today my sister Debbie and brother Gary started packing up my house. We have decided to down size and find something with less responsibility. I have to say I had mixed emotions, I love my home and it is comfortable. We have great friends and neighbors that I am going to miss. I know that the house causes a lot of stress on Mike and he can't have that in his life. I haven't had a glass of wine for a while and after watching this today it might be much needed. So to all my friends and family lets raise our glasses in a toast to moving forward. Maybe I might require something stronger!!!!!!

moments

I just want everyone to know that miraculously Mike was able to come home today. Yesterday they inserted a pump into his stomach that dispenses pain medicine evenly. Dr. S controls how much is going in to his body. He has little pain now. He can think clearer and get around better. I am shocked why they didn't do this sooner, considering he has been on pain killers for 4 years now. He will wait until he gets his strength back before going on the new treatment for the cancer. Probably 3 to 4 weeks. Lets hope he makes it through the night OK.

moments

My mind isn't really in a good place. The doctors are giving me mixed signals on Mike's prognoses. Now all I want is for my husband to come home. I haven't really come to grips with everything that is going on around us. Mike does not Know the severity of his condition, but really I don't either. I need time to grasp the situation and put everything into perspective. I need a miracle we all need a miracle. Goodnight.

moments

I am to tired to think so no present and past today. I just got home and I am going to bed. goodnight.

PRESENT

I continued with radiation and chemo. I was losing my hair my taste buds. Both are very good qualities of mine. The nausea was overwhelming and my energy level was depleting. Mike and Bobby were still traveling a lot. They went to Dallas and Vancouver for the Olympics. I felt I was missing out of everything. There were times it really bothered me. Mostly though I could of cared less. I was still trying to work and keep the house running smoothly. Really things were falling apart around me and I couldn't do anything about it. The fantasy camp was coming up that we run which takes a lot of time and effort. Mike seemed now to be failing and having to go to the doctor more. My control was out of control.

PAST

Mike and I had used all our savings and ran up all our credit cards to live on. I was about to graduate and Mike had no job. It was taking a toll on our marriage. We visited all the vortexes in Sedona to try to find a higher power. We were listening to self help tapes to give us some insight. It was becoming desperate. I knew if I had to ask my sister for money I could not be married. I gave Mike a desperate ultimatum to hopefully snap him out of his funk. Get a job or get out. Within a week he was on his way over to California to interview for a job with the Icedogs minor league hockey team. Luckily he got the job. we were moving again. Running away from bills that would always catch up with us. But we were headed in the right direction. Sometimes your most desperate times bring you closer together. Since Mike had no job we had no health insurance. I had not been checked for my cancer for a couple of years now. That bother me, but surviving from day to day was more important, so I thought. We moved back to our old neighborhood and started to put our life back together. It was good to feel secure again. I was abe to spend plenty of time with my kids and I loved every minute of my life.

moments

I just came from the hospital. We met with the oncologist. They have decided that if there was infection whether fungal or bacterial it isn't there now. We now will deal with the cancer that has spread to the lungs, both in the exterior walls and the interior lung. We need to wait a couple weeks post op so nothing is affected by the drugs. It will probably be a combination of a couple of different drugs one pill form the other intravenously. Just have to take one day at a time.

MOMENTS

So last night the house was filled with laughter and love. Bobby had his junior prom. 14 of the kids came over with parents for pre pictures and to catch there limo. They were all so excited and they looked great. Bobby was not told about Mike and Mike doesn't know either. Some news I have to break today unfortunately. But hopefully I am computer savvy enough to post the pictures. Have a great weekend.

night moments

I'm not doing past and present tonight. I just came from the hospital. Mike had a lung biopsy today. What I thought was going to be a simple surgery ended up being the scare of my life. A thoracic doctor did the procedure he goes in collapses the left lung and cuts a piece out. Then we were suppose to find out about this infection Mike has. At 5:45pm I was sitting with my girlfriend Elizabeth joking around when the doctor came out. He had a concerned look on his face. He proceeded to inform me that Mike's cancer had spread to his lungs and showed me pictures. He said it was bad. My whole world crumbled in front of me. I thought Mike was dying. I tried getting a hold of his oncologist, he was on a plane back from LA. When he landed he called me right away. He calmed me down a lot. Told me after he got to the hospital that the cancer wasn't that big and they still think it is an infection that has been making him sick. We will know more when it comes back from pathology. Then we will put him on a new drug to deal with the cancer.We will go back to fighting the fight.He is my world, but I am going to bed I'm drained. I will deal with this tomorrow.

PRESENT

I found out from my sons doctor who just happened to be one of my upcoming grooms. We do flowers for weddings at Sugar Magnolia. After looking up my sons nose he told me the poor boy couldn't breath out of his nose. Bobby when he was younger had 3 broken noses. Unfortunately it screwed up his septum. Now since I was going through radiation, my husband was going through his treatment. We had to schedule everything around that and the doctors upcoming wedding and honeymoon. We had to get this operation done ASAP. It was a Friday we were able to schedule the surgery on Monday, recovery would be just in time to make it so Bobby could make his tournament in Dallas. The doctor could get married and go on his honeymoon. I remember when the doctor pulled out the packing in Bobby's nose. The doctor was about 5'8" and my son is 6'5" as he pulled it out Bobby stood up looked down at the doctor and said assume so this is what it is like to breath out of your nose. It was a great day.

PAST

Arizona was so hot when we moved over from California. I enrolled in culinary school, put Jenni in 9Th grade and Alex in kindergarten. We were starting a whole new beginning for ourselves. Mike was taking care of Bobby who was around a year. We lived in a very nice 3 bedroom apartment. It had all of the amenities, swimming pools BBQ grills tennis courts playground it was great. I got a job at a local restaurant and Mike became a stay at home dad. Things were different but good. We loved doing things as a family even though my time was limited. I went to school 5 days a week 8 hours a day. I would come home and usually go to work right away. This went on for 18 months. I felt like most fathers probably did like they were missing out on watching their children grow up. Mike also learned the other demanding role of taking care of the household. I was about to graduate and we had to make some serious decisions.

Moments

My blogs are going to be short tonight. I am tired and upset, my Mike is going to have surgery tomorrow.

PAST

It was August of 1992. Mike and I had just come from visiting my sister Janet at the hospital. She had just had her son Trevor. As we were walking to the car I had mentioned to Mike that my oncologist had cleared me to have another child. I was two years clear of my last radiation treatment. We couldn't wait to get started. I conceived right away. We were hoping so much to have a son. I had an early amino, because I was at high risk. My doctor called me and gave me the results. That night Mike and I went to the hockey game when I had Mike look up at the Arbitron. The board flashed Mike Brown congratulations your having a boy. The crowd cheered and Mike was stunned. We were so excited and thought life couldn't get better. Mike lost his job during my pregnancy. We packed up and went back to St. Louis to have the baby. Robert Walker Brown was born June 3rd 1993. Bobby was all boy. He was beautiful, charming, and active from the very beginning. Mike got a job back in California and we moved back. He was selling cars. I have to say he was worse than I was at selling cars. In January of 1994 the big Northridge earthquake hit. Our house rocked like no tomorrow, scared the hell out of everyone. The aftershocks seamed to last forever. By spring we had decided to leave California and head for phoenix. We had never even visited Arizona. I found a culinary school to attend and away we went. We left a lot of friends a whole neighborhood full. Here we go again running from our problems.

PRESENT

I felt that I could handle the situation by myself. I can tell you right now I was beginning to lose it. I requested to see a therapist. I met with a doctor for my appointment. I walked in very composed and ended up crying through the whole hour.For God sake it was no brain surgery why I was there, I felt it really didn't do much for me. It didn't explain why this whole mass confusion was happening. I am a control freak, and as she,the doctor, explained this was something I had no control over. Yeah therapy was not going to work. There were times I would soak in the bathtub, candles burning, Jacuzzi on, music playing and watch the bubbles. I am not afraid to tell you that I would imagine how easy it would be to watch the bubbles turn red, and slip into a quite sleep. Then I would come back to reality. I couldn't leave my responsibilities. I love my family so much, my husband, my children mean everything to me, but everything that was happening to me was so powerful and taking over. I don't blame people for checking out, because sometimes you just feel you have no way out. Whether it be mental or physical pain. Unless you have been in their shoes you can't understand. It is not depression it is despair. I was in despair. I had to make myself snap out of it! My son really needed me he couldn't breath out of his nose and I needed to take him to the ear nose and throat doctor. Oh my God another doctor.

PAST

evening moments

You got to be fricking kidding me. 5 doctors now can't figure out what is wrong with Mike. If his cultures continue to come back negative they will do a biopsy on his lymph node in the lungs. Which they will do laproscopally or what ever with a camera . That means he will probably be in the hospital this weekend. Our son is going to his junior prom on Saturday. All the kids are coming to our house for pre-pictures. I think about 12 couples and there parents. What was I thinking. Sometimes I am so stupid.

morning moments

I am having to force myself out of my house today. I can't find the things I need. Money, credit cards, belt those kind of things. I think I am just avoiding the fact I have to go back to the hospital. I hate the fact the doctors can't find what is wrong with Mike. He has spent 12 days out of this month there. I want to play again. I want Mike to play again.

PRESENT

Outside I had the feeling of helplessness in my iron mask, really plastic, I would close my eyes and imagine myself dancing with Mike or playing on a beach. It was hard, but it really was the only way to get through the 45 minutes. It wasn't until the chemicals I was taking started to get to me that I really thought I was losing my mind. I would drive myself to treatment and I didn't mind it gave me a chance to think. It was the nausea that I couldn't handle and the pain didn't help. About the 3rd week into treatment I truly felt I was started losing my mind. I had to push myself to go. I also had to force myself to take my pill. Nothing was giving me pleasure only pain or sickness. It won't be long when I start to lose my mind.

PAST

The years that followed had there ups and downs. My treatments had there faults and reactions,but I got through it, I was young and very positive. Mike took a job with my brother-in-law Wayne out in California and I was thrilled. We started living a very exciting life. We were around famous people and friends all the time. We would take trips with Janet and Wayne. We would attend events most people would only dream of. We still struggled with money, but we didn't care. Our girls had plenty of friends and loved school. Friends and family visited often. We entertained and enjoyed friends at our home. We didn't think anything could ruin our world. I went back to work selling cars for a short period of time, that was not my thing at all, and Alex hated daycare so I quit.We lived 10 minutes from Malibu and would drive down to have breakfast or a nice dinner. We loved driving up to Santa Barbara on the weekends,we couldn't have been happier. Count your blessings for they are short lived.

Morning Moments

I am on my way back to the hospital. By the time I get there Mike will have gone thru his procedure. I hope that he can get out today. Hospitals play games with your head. Nobody really wants to visit you there and you really don't want anyone there accept your spouse. Please let him out today. I will be real honest when I say I want to be with Mike, but not there. We really need to be on the same page so we can enjoy the life we have left.

PRESENT

Dr. Q took me to the other side of the building. It is a center were they do all the radiation therapy. After a short conference of the course of events she took me to get prepped for treatment. I walked into a large room with a machine like a cat scan in the middle. I had a gown on, I was asked to remove the gown and lay down on the table. There were people coming in and out of the room. First they marked me with a pen. They then told me they were going to tattoo me. As tears flowed down the sides of my face they proceeded with what they needed to do. The next part was a bit unexpected. They told me they were going to make a mold of my face. With a warm plastic they molded my face this would be used for every treatment. The treatments from the time I came in took anywhere from 45min to an hour. My 5 weeks of hell was just getting started.

PAST

My sister went into full commando mode. She started searching the Internet for information on breast cancer. We knew nothing about the disease. It wasn't in our family history and 20 years ago it was still called the C word. We were all devastated, but Debbie set out to find the best doctors and the best new treatments. I thank God everyday for Debbie. Luckily my sister Janet also went into full gear mode. She knew an famous actress who had come public with her diagnoses. She was able to get the name of her general surgeon and was able to get me an appointment with him. After meeting with other general surgeons it wasn't hard for me to decide on him Dr. A. I remember his hands were so gentle and his bed side manner so calming. The plan was a lumpectomy with a lymph node dissection and 6 weeks of radiation to follow. My tumor was small less than a centimeter and it had not inter my lymph nodes. I had a great prognoses. I didn't have to run anymore. I could live a long wonderful life with my girls and my husband.

Moments

Mike went into the hospital again today. The doctors can't figure out what is wrong with him. A pulmonary doctor is going to go and look at his lungs tomorrow. Valley fever hasn't been ruled out. we will see. I so need Dr. House.

weekend moment

Just wanted to let you know I take the weekends off. It is kind of like you wouldn't do therapy on the week end. Just relax and have a good time. So new PRESENT & PAST on monday.

page 4

PRESENT

Mike, Jenni, and I met with Dr. G on Tuesday. He explained that the pet scan had showed that the cancer had not entered the soft tissue which was good. The bad part was the cancer was through out the skeleton. He said it was treatable, but not curable. They are so polite now they use to say you were terminal. that meant you can live but the cancer will eventually kill you. I was given treatment that day. Zometa once a month to build my bones, Lupron shot once a month to kill my ovaries, and Armidex pill once a day to kill my hormones all this for the rest of my life. Why is it that all the things that would keep you alive side effects would make you feel like you have the flu everyday. The nausea would start immediately. Just when I thought that things couldn't get worse they did. The pain in my bones was getting worse. After the doctors had gone over the scans they decided that radiation was necessary. My C1 tumor was causing the bones to fracture and the T4 tumor was pressing on nerves and causing great pain in my chest. I agreed to the radiation thinking 5 weeks wouldn't be so bad. I had no idea the hell I was about to go through.

PAST

I had a small pea size lump on my left side under my arm and went to my gynecologist to have it looked at. He assured me that it was nothing to worry about and to go home. I even asked him directly are you sure it is not cancer and he did. I waited six months before my mom convinced me to have our family friend who was a plastic surgeon to have it removed. Dr. O also was sure it wasn't cancer so he tunneled in to get it so it wouldn't leave a scar. After all he had done my boob job right before I got married and they were beautiful. Unfortunately he was the one that had to call me with the results of the biopsy. He called around 5:00pm and wanted to know were Mike was, I told him that Mike was on his way home from work. I laughed and told him he really beat me up during surgery and I was black and blue. He told me how sorry he was. I could hear it in his voice that it was no laughing matter. He broke the news to me that I had breast cancer. My mind went blank I never heard another word he said. I remember calling my sister Debbie. I knew I hadn't said anything on the phone because I couldn't. She was at my house within minutes and she lived 30 minutes away. Now how was I going to tell my new husband he was going to have to raise our 2 daughters by himself. My mind raced in so many directions. All I can say was my family saved me and Mike. I was 32 what was I doing with cancer. The fight begins. The reaper was not going to get me not now.

afternoon moments

I haven't been out much since I was diagnosed. I have lost some weight, and from were I stand that is a good thing, vanity and all. My brother Greg just asked if I wanted to meet for happy hour. I have lost my taste for alcohol due to the drug treatment, but I can still watch the show. Besides when your sober you get a whole other perspective. Mike is glued to the Masters. Got to go pretty up!!!

todays moments

Mike and I met with Dr. G yesterday. Poor guy can't get a word in edge wise. Glad to hear that Mike's ct scans came back with no activity in the tumors. Yeah!! and he is producing his own red blood cells again. They gave him a bag of iron he was low. His monthly zometa to build his bones and drew more blood to see if he has contracted valley fever. I had the doctor also check for cat scratch fever. Yes there is such a thing, and we do have a year old cat. He gave us a funny look, but Dr. Brown (that is me) finally convinced him. After all I was right about his anemia and lack of B-12. When you have nurtured your husband for the last 4 years into staying alive sometimes you know as much as the doctors or sometimes more. Dr. G doesn't know about my blog. Now I have a whole weekend of the golf channel and the Masters. I AM SO THRILLED! NOT.

page 3

PRESENT

The next morning Mike and my son Bobby left for a hockey tournament in Denver. I had to cancel my trip so I could lay in a pet scan. A pet scan shows weather the tumors have spread to the soft tissue. This wasn't really my idea of a great weekend. I couldn't get the results of the test until Tuesday. I had set an appointment up with Mike's oncologist Dr. G. The rest of the weekend I spent with my mom and sister Debbie who came over from LA. By this time the bones were pressing against nerves and causing a great deal of pain. It would get worse on a daily bases. I couldn't understand what was happening and I was popping pain pills like candy. I was glad Mike and Bobby were gone the stress was to hard for them to handle. I could pretend that I was fine if they weren't around. When they got home we would find out more and find out if I was going to live or die. Yeah that's not stress not at all.

PAST

I always knew that Mike was a great guy, from the first time we met in that smokey bar 3 years earlier. I remember that he was the first guy that really treated, Jenni my daughter, as part of me. So many men before him treated her as a burden, but not Mike. He always just went with the flow and I soon found out that nobody didn't like Mike. Even my mother fell in love with him. She said he reminded her of my father. Even said he laughed like him. We married May 28Th 1988 in a beautiful backyard ceremony with about 150 of friends and relatives. 125 of them were on Mikes side. We had a great first year of marriage. My sister got married 6 weeks later up in Canada to the greatest hockey player in the world. It was amazing to see such fan fare and introduced Mike to a whole new world. We also that year had a new baby girl Alexandria Marie. Jenni had a new father that loved her like his own daughter. Everything was going along perfectly no more running. At least I thought. My world as I knew it was about to come to a crashing halt. The bad luck I thought I only had was gone, but it was about to return with a vengeance.

MOMENTS

I woke up at 4 this morning realizing I hadn't taken the pill that is helping me stay alive. I went downstairs and took it. Made me think how timeless my life has become. I couldn't sleep so stayed up watching TV, but mostly thinking about Mike's doctor visit today. He gets his scans back and I am worried. His blood labs were good yesterday so that is a positive sign. He hadn't been producing blood for the last week or so. They had to give him 4 units when he was in the hospital last week. They think maybe he had a mysterious infection. Who knows sometimes they just don't. I guess I will get ready now. Here comes the stress again. Damn this cancer and everything about it!!!!!

page 2

PRESENT

January 10, 2010 I got hit by the bus for the third time. Results from my first ct scans came back. The following week my world would come to a screeching halt. Everyday the results became worse and worse. It was a Thursday night when the bone scan results came back. My husband picked up the results at the hospital, sitting in his car reading them, stunned he called his oncologist to understand what he was reading. I was waiting in bed upstairs due to a headache. He came in so defeated and confused. I asked him if he had received the results. His response was only "it's bad Jeanette it's really bad". Shrugging him off I said "oh for Gods sake how bad can it be". I demanded to read the results myself. The tumors started in the cranium down the spine across the ribs in both pelvis's and in the left femur. "Oh shit, how did it get this bad so quickly was my response." I looked in the eye's of the man who was always so strong and saw defeat. " Hey are you hungry, because I am really hungry and I want some really good food and a great bottle of wine" I said and away we went. We could deal with this mess tomorrow, tonight was a night not to think about anything but each other. We actually had a great night of friends and laughter. There was plenty of time for tears later.

PAST

In 1987 The Princess Bride came out in the theaters. I sat in the movie with a relationship I was in. Living with a very nice man, I didn't love, had nothing in common with, and wished I could enter the movie, and find my own Wesley. Someone I could have true love with just like princess Buttercup. I felt hopeless all my life wanting to run away. That was what I did best, run away. Maybe it had to do with my childhood. You see ever since I was a child my father was cheating death. In his late 30s he was diagnosed with Kidney cancer. He was only given 36 hours to live when they first took him in, he lived to be 57. I always had that fear that if you didn't run fast enough the reaper was going to get you. If I didn't like what was going on in my life I would just run. When my father died I ran from my emotions. When my father was alive we didn't get along. That really was an understatement we fought screamed and butted heads. I was wild and in trouble a lot. There were times I thought I hate him for not understanding me. The truth is I loved him more than my life. I to this day miss and think of him everyday. How dare he leave me when I needed him the most. I was 19 and so naive. It didn't take me long to start screwing up. At 21 I got pregnant and married the first man I didn't love. The great thing was that I was given the most beautiful daughter. She filled the gap my father had left. It took me no time to run away from that marriage it was my first anniversary when I took off. With 20 dollars in my pocket and baby a toe I headed for California. I was free again. Over the following years I would run back and forth from St. Louis to California. If a relationship got to close I would leave. I believe I did that about 7 times. My running was about to stop with a trip back to St. Louis over the Christmas holidays in 87. My sister had a Christmas party and invited Mike. He showed up and there it was, the look the eyes. We connected immediately and by New Years day his cousin was trying to get us to go to Vegas to get married. I had quite a few things to clean up in California. I had to break the heart of a man I had respected for so long, unfortunately I was not in love with him and hadn't been for a very long time. God Bless him for taking care of me for awhile, he taught me a lot. Good news was I found my Wesley and we were to be married in May. Life was looking good.

chapter 1

PRESENT

Today I decided to let the Internet deal with my problems and anxiety . My name is Jeanette and I have stage IV breast cancer that has metastasized to the bone. That isn't my biggest problem though. My husband Mike has been fighting stage IV kidney cancer for the past 4 years, he was only given 6 months to live. This is our adventure through life the good, the bad, and everything that has come in between. I am not a writer so I will do my best to let you know what one goes through now and what we have dealt with in the past.

PAST

First let me tell you a little about the man I fell so deeply in love with "Mike". On a beautiful St. Patricks day 25 years ago. In a smokey bar, and I mean smokey, I spotted a slender, good looking,blue eyed, sandy haired blond, leaning against the Muddy Waters bar in St. Louis Mo. I was with my then long time boyfriend Brad. I had planned to move back to California in 3 weeks, so I really had nothing to lose by putting myself out there. I passed him by on the way to the restroom. One look was all it took and my life would take a whole new direction. Fate and chance meetings would throw us together over the next three years. A friendship grew the connection was present. Even though we lived in different states we still managed to be with each other from time to time. It was 1988 that our lives would connect forever.