PRESENT

I felt that I could handle the situation by myself. I can tell you right now I was beginning to lose it. I requested to see a therapist. I met with a doctor for my appointment. I walked in very composed and ended up crying through the whole hour.For God sake it was no brain surgery why I was there, I felt it really didn't do much for me. It didn't explain why this whole mass confusion was happening. I am a control freak, and as she,the doctor, explained this was something I had no control over. Yeah therapy was not going to work. There were times I would soak in the bathtub, candles burning, Jacuzzi on, music playing and watch the bubbles. I am not afraid to tell you that I would imagine how easy it would be to watch the bubbles turn red, and slip into a quite sleep. Then I would come back to reality. I couldn't leave my responsibilities. I love my family so much, my husband, my children mean everything to me, but everything that was happening to me was so powerful and taking over. I don't blame people for checking out, because sometimes you just feel you have no way out. Whether it be mental or physical pain. Unless you have been in their shoes you can't understand. It is not depression it is despair. I was in despair. I had to make myself snap out of it! My son really needed me he couldn't breath out of his nose and I needed to take him to the ear nose and throat doctor. Oh my God another doctor.

PAST