PRESENT

I would really like to tell you that things are going smoothly but I can't do that. The holidays are creeping up and haven't finished my Christmas shopping. You get to the point of who do I buy a gift. At what point does one stop. Hell the house is sucking all the money out from under me. My beautiful chandeliers came the other day and of coarse one was broken in the shipping so I have to go through that hassle with freight company. The better news in my life is the fact I get to spend a few days in LA next week. That is a blessing.

PRESENT

How is this for making my quest for peace and understanding. I go to the dermatologist for a couple of spots removed. Fool ya three biopsy's for skin cancer REALLY! Two of them on my face. I think this cancer card is showing up a little to much. I demand a new deck. No I insist someone call the pit boss over. I am trying to get this freaking house done. Can something cooperate please. Had an opportunity to go to Paris on the first of January but had to cancel. Just can't justify going even though my oldest told me people with cancer shouldn't have to justify things. Got to love her so wise. I really need to get my head on straight today the driveway gets poured, my chandeliers get delivered and installed. Some of my trim needs painting my doors are in and I think the plumber installs the bathrooms. That is if he shows up. Oh yeah that's up to the contractor I hired. Rule of thumb pay no one upfront. Running late got to run.

PRESENT

So as I told you I have been working so hard to get the house done before the holidays. That really isn't my biggest concern. Even though I have put the cancer out of my mind, as much as one could, it still continues to grow. To tell you the truth I don't know how fast or how slow. Just the same it does it's thing regardless weather I want it to or not. I have three different Oncologists I am in contact with top in there field. So I do feel I'm in good hands. I just need to weigh out my options and decide for myself.  You know the quality in life thing. Really the biggest quality is not to have to think about it all the time.

Present

I am working so hard on trying to rehab this house I bought 4 months ago. It was going to be a small undertaking, but has become everything but! Don't get me wrong it is going to be beautiful when it is done. You know who budgets are throw them out the window. It all has to be completed by the 18th of December. Or basically done that's when my kids start coming home for Christmas. Let me just stress to you that under this chaos I am trying to get a hold of the cancer too. I meet with the doctor on Wednesday for so new coarse of action. I'm trying to keep them from putting me on IV chemo. I'll put that off as long as I can.

Present

The last few days have been quite wonderful. I was able to spend time with Bobby. He will always be my baby boy. He is going to be a great man when he is older. I hope with all my heart he will one day find a wonderful girl that will appreciate the kind heart he has beating inside of him.
My sister Debbie works so hard to make everyone feel welcome in her surroundings. She and my niece Jamie put on a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. With family and friends. I have so much more to tell but I must run. I'm taking my son to breakfast before he has to head back to Port Huron. I've pack him sandwiches to go and washed all his clothes. Those are the little chores as a mom I miss.

Present

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I should take lessons from myself as to how terribly important your family truely is, and are how meaningful they are to ones life.  Amen.

Present

Still haven't heard any news from the doctors. I feel they don't have the same sense of urgency I have. Maybe they are to busy to worry about one patient with cancer! Oh well not going to dwell on the fact I'm on hold. I have been in a funk since I got home last week. I'm not going there today. I'm going to start exercising again. I had been walking 3 miles a day up to then. I'm meeting Jenni and the babies in LA on the 12th of December if all goes as planned. I want to look and feel my best. I really can't remember the last time I was there. We are flying back to St. Louis on the 18th for Christmas. Alex, Bobby, and Jeff will meet us there later. I love the fact I get them all under the same roof for the holiday. Even if it is only for a short period of time.

Past

Leaving Phoenix was not an easy task. July of 2011 over the past months I had to sell the house, go through years of collectibles in my home and say goodbye to people I truly cared about. I had a small cat named Ashes, little grey cat that had kept me from going insane over the past year. It is amazing what an animal is capable of doing to ease the pain. Unfortunately he disappeared two weeks before I left. Did I really have all my facalties at that time, I think not. Grief is a very controlling thing. You really think your making rash decisions, but in all honesty your not. I would have done things much more differently now. I think back and finacially I could have made better choices. I did have that underlying death sentence hanging over me, but as you can see I'm still here. That is I'm trying my hardest to stay alive. So through all the chaos I managed, with a lot of help from friends and family, to move. This impacted the despair I was so eager to hide. Once again I fell back into a hole of my own deception. I was very good at playing roles and this was just another feeble attempt of pretending I was making the right choices.
When I returned to St. Louis I thought for sure I could put my life as fragile as it was back together. After all my two youngest children were there. My family was there. Why wouldn't I be OK. Oh yeah the largest part of me was missing. The person who had given me my true identity was gone and no matter how hard I tried he wasn't coming back. When I settled in the home I rented his picture was everywhere. I wanted to see him in every room and I did. It was over kill. Which in hind sight put me back a few more steps. I felt he was judging my every move. The truth was I was judging myself. It was in no uncertain word crippling.

Present

I know I haven't written about my past since August of 2010. Maybe it was to hard to look back and reminisce about how great everything was. Don't get me wrong I still have it great it's just another kind of great. I am making a whole new life for myself and I'm not going to let this cancer take me down so here is to the past.

Past

I'm not going to start where I let off, but I will let you know what has happened in my life since Mike passed away. Once again I do want to let you know I'm not an English major. If my grammar is wrong or I use a word in the wrong content so be it.

When Mike died it crushed my world as it had existed. I tried my best to let people think I was OK, but under no circumstance was I. With the health problems I was going through I hid every emotion I could. I would laugh when I wanted to cry. Eat drink and socialize when I wanted to be in a fetal position in bed. Smile when I wanted to beat the shit out of something or someone. Yes I was having a mental breakdown I all I could do was fake it. After the first year I choose to move out of Arizona and try to pull my family back together. I had to learn how to manage my money that was slipping through my fingers. I didn't want to keep throwing it away on trying to fix me. So leaving Arizona was the best move I could make even though I had a lot of friends there I loved.

Present

Tomorrow I guess I should call my doctors. Find out what they have in store for me. Can't be good. I know I'm running on borrowed time now. It's just that I feel so good. I'm in the best shape of my life yet this thing is eating me inside. I tried working on the house today. Did I tell you I'm rehabbing a house. When it's done it should be beautiful. I miss not having a place to call home. Mike would be proud I think. Debbie my sister has been amazing taking on such a task. Especially what she has been through after the last couple of months. She was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Can you believe it. The same thing that killed Mike and my Dad. Luckly they caught it early and took the kidney out. Then she had to go through back fusion surgery. Shit how does one stay sain. I'm lucky she is ok. I couldn't survive without her.

Running from the Reaper

Running from the Reaper
Woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself. Just laying in bed wondering why I take the effort to get all cleaned up. I should just stay home and have great dreams that my life is exciting. Unfortunately the out come is the same. Lonely. I want to share my thoughts and future with someone. I really don't think that is to much to ask.  Ok puked that out.
Still I don't know how they are going to treat my cancer this time.  I think it involves hair loss. Of course one of my better assets. Couldn't the drugs take away your fine lines instead. Alright need some coffee.

Present

New day new night. went out tonight hoping something new and exciting would enter my world. Oh yeah that sucks. Nothing new is going to happen to me. Who in the hell do I really think I am. The is really nothing that is going to excite me. Maybe I should just try to not try! I think you all understand what I am talking about.Don't be afraid of giving me advise. I could certainly use it.

Present

I'm sober now you'll be happy to know.Not that I am intoxicated that much.  I mean for heaven sakes it is 7:40 am. I haven't really kept in contact with my blog for a couple of years. Gratefully I'm still here to fill you in. Mike has been gone now for about 2 and a half years. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him and wish that he was still here with me. I guess that's pretty typical for a widow. I have had some real set backs with my cancer lately. They as in the doctors can't seem to get it under control. I'll explain all that later I'm a fighter so I have plenty of time. I'm building a house so I'm pretty busy with that. Hardest is keeping that budget in line. I have become a grandmother which I go by the name Gigi. It doesn't make me feel so old. You are probably wondering why I have come back to my blog. One of the reasons is that my therapist is moving to the Caribbean. You will be my new outlet.

I'm back

I am here before you not sure were I stand.
I am not dead, but not quite sure were I stand.  So much has happened since the day I left you. I honestly sit here and wonder what I want to tell you. I will tell you this I'm intoxicated.  I don't feel bad about that it just makes it hard for me to tell you my story. I love my life and what I have of it. My prognosis is always questionable. Fuck me they hate me why won't that bitch just die. Oh does that shock you. You know what shocks me no matter how pro active I am I die just a little bit , not by my choice.      It always hits me with some bulldozer. I'm not going to live forever.

My life is a life that sucks sometimes, and at other times is a little piece of paradise. Just recently I had my grand babies Georgia Jean and Walker Anderson what very Strong names for very strong children.
I have cancer lumerating over me. I'm not happy about it and want to retreat, but it's there and there is really I can do about it. I don't expect you to follow along, but i will be back when I sober up.

Present Suprise I'm back. I'm still alive and kicking. My life has gone through many changes with everything and everyone involved. I still fight the fight with my cancer. On the whole I'm doing very well. My daughter Alex graduated from college. Bobby is in Jr. Hockey. The very best news of all my daughter Jenni is going to have a baby. Not just one but twins. A boy and a girl due in October. Yes I have made it to see my grandchildren. How can I be happier. I'll check in more often to update my blog and fill you in more.

PRESENT What is it called when your not able to celebrate about the news you recieved, but I guess you should be happy. That happy part just won't come out of me. I got the results back on the Pet Scan the cancer hasn't grown, but in the same breath it hasn't gotten any smaller. I have got to learn that I'm living with the black hole inside me. I think it's time I go back to my therapist. Maybe she can help me figure out how I'm suppose to feel.

PRESENT Well this morning I will lay in a big old machine and it will scan my body. Hopefully it will show that the bones are clean. I hope that the medicine they are using on me now. The thought of going on to something else is sickening to me. I want so much that I can just go on about my life with out the fear of dying. I'm actually starting to enjoy being surrounded by family, friends, and my dog. I still miss Mike and always will. Please give me steanghth for the rest of the week.