Moments

Today I decided that it was OK to go cold turkey and not use my Fentenal Patches. They are pain patches that I change every 3 days. Well today I realized that mine must of fallen off in the last couple of days. Out side of being a little irritable I realized I wasn't in any pain. Not from my surgery or from the tumors in my bones. I went to my surgeon today and he was very pleased how I recovered. I just want to feel 100% again like a normal person. I long to hike and work out again. So if getting off meds will help I am all for it. I will be great in a couple of days. Hey Mike how about watching over me for the next couple of days would you? Night.

PRESENT

I sat this morning with Jenni talking about my options on were to live. My house is going to be gone sometime in February because of coarse the banks won't work with me. Oh well I am over it. Jenni and the kids want me to live were I will have the most activity and things to do. They are right if I don't keep myself busy what is the point. I am not old, I am not young, I am just in between. I thought I could set up my life in 2 different cities, but that is going to be impossible for now. Maybe later when things are more secure. Sometimes things don't plan out like you would like them which is OK. I do know Bobby is going back to Canada after he graduates from high school. Alex will return to St. Louis to finish College. Jenni will have to make decisions with Jeff on what is going to happen next year with Jeff's career. I will go on surviving like I always manage doing. PLEASE let 2011 a whole lot easier. That is my wish for the New Year. I believe in angels I pray they are near by I could use some.

PRESENT

I have enjoyed the last few days have been so special to me it makes me smile. Jenni, Alex, and Bobby get along so well. I truly am blessed with the best things in life. I hope that everyone holidays are as blessed as mine.

PRESENT

So it's the morning after Christmas and everyone had a great time. From the time they got up and Santa had delivered some special presents from Mike and the emotional part was less visible we went on to celebrating. Greg got up and started passing out gifts to everyone. Everyone was happier and happier as the day went on. The whole day there was no fighting or arguing. We had no issues and we were just happy to be together. Friends and family started coming by around 1:30 and appetizers were served. The night before Mike and Michelle came by with their 2 kids it is nice to children around during this time of the year. We rounded up the evening with dancing videos of fun and laughter. Mike would have loved to watch it all down here, but he was laughing his ass off upstairs. We all got a good night sleep. We also had a mystery dog come join us after dinner he had to go.

I am so amazingly happy right now I just had lunch with the kids and Greg on Xmas eve. We are walking around in beautiful weather in sunny Arizona. Our Christmas shopping is finished. Greg is coming tonight and spending the night. Tomorrow I now have 12 people coming for Christmas dinner and I am thrilled. Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday.

Moments

This is me through the eyes of Mike.


PRESENT

I go to sleep with tears in my eyes and I wake up with tears in my eyes. I know that the pain will one day go away. I just wonder when. It is a numbing pain that doesn't go away with any pill. I have empathy for all the people out there that feel how I feel. I so badly want to break out in laughter and feel the warmth of human touch. I know this feeling of pain will pass. No it won't, my rational side just tells me that. I don't want to depress any one. This is just the way I feel now. There will be a time I will laugh again and feel like I'm living. I just never knew that I had this much love for someone so deeply that I can't get past and move on. I don't want you to be depressed, but if you love someone, but your not quite sure how much, or how deep, don't ever let it be to late to truly enjoy the love. I use to ask Mike why did he love me so much. He just said "I just do, I love everything about you. Your good and your bad. I love your honesty and compassion. I love the way you dance, but you can't sing. I just listen anyway" Why is it I never saw those sides of myself. He brought out the person I was and want to still be. I don't want to be broken. I suppose if I didn't have the tears I wouldn't be human. I am glad I'm human and hopefully real.

PRESENT

Tonight I was realizing that 2010 was coming to an end. What a shitty year to live through. January I was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. I had to go through 5 weeks of unbearable radiation treatments. Endure excruciating pain from the tumors that had invaded my bones. All along watch my best friend and lover die a dreadful death. Only to find out that I had to learn how to live the rest of my life alone. Then I saw tonight the most celestial skies taken by the Hubble telescope and realized those were the same skies I have been seeing ever since Mike died. Maybe there is a more beautiful universe out there that we go to after life. Just maybe it isn't that bad in the after life. I have to believe that God is the universe and were just passing through time to one day be with him in Heaven. It sure makes going through each day and night a little easier. It is a blessing that my children will be with me this Christmas. I'm glad I finally get what Mike was trying to tell me when I wanted him to travel the world. He just wanted to be with me and his kids. Mike you were always much smarter than I. Please make 2011 a kinder and gentler year for everyone. My journey with you was so beautiful I will never be able to replace those moments. I can only wish that new moments will be as blessed.

PRESENT

I have been laying in bed for the last couple of hours wishing I could sleep the night away. I got wonderful news today my nephew had a baby girl. I wish I could hold her. The human touch is so precious. I long to be held and feel the warmth of another. My children are older now, but the thing I look forward to the most is the hug from my kids, because I know it is real and pure. Especially when baby Huey gets home he is so big I will feel so small in his arms. I will feel safe again. My surgery has left me a little depressed. I know it is do to all the chemicals in my body. I really need to take yoga classes to flush all those toxins out. I was able to get some things accomplished today. That is always positive. I think I'll leave on that note. Mike I still constantly think about you were ever you are I hope your happy.

PRESENT

I woke up this morning to the plung of my cat landing on my gut. Cats don't understand surgery. It was quite painful but I will survive. I can tell Christmas is getting close because the people I have talked to are getting testy. Why can't it be people laughing and singing or at least being nicer to each other. If your not doing anything get out and do something. If you can't get out of the house get on the computer. I am going to make it a point to do some mote shopping today on line from my bed how great is that. I am going to enjoy the day hope you can too. HAPPY HOLIDAYS !

PRESENT

I made it through my hesterectomy with flying colors. I am back home and resting comfortably. I feel pretty good and I think I will be out and about in no time. I love the thought of being around my family at Christmas. I believe we will have a wonderful holiday together. I can't wait. Laughter is what I am really looking forward to hearing. It has been so long.

PRESENT

I have for the last couple of days finished some of my Christmas shopping. I have been drinking this God awful stuff. I have my surgery scheduled tomorrow morning. I hope that I can just get past this shit. I would like to get on with my life. I am so looking forward to Christmas so I can see all my kids. It is hard to get through things with out Mike but together I think we will be alright.

Present

I know that each day that is presented to me is a challenge. Sometimes it is so freaking hard no matter how I try to control the situation. Other times I wish I didn't even have to deal. I didn't buy into this alone thing. It wasn't my idea so sometimes I just don't want to play. No I take that back I don't want to play at all. Apparently it's just a bad day. I'll push through.

PRESENT

What is it about 3:00 in the morning that one wakes up. This is the time I have been waking up and I can't get back to sleep. I have weened myself off Ativan 12 days ago and I was so excited, but the last couple of days 3:00 am has been the norm. I do have a lot on my plate. One is that it looks like I have to be out of my house by the first part of February. The decision of where am I going to live is now the Question. I have 3 choices in my book. I could stay here in Arizona were my doctors are, move to St. Louis were my family is, or move to California were the majority of my friends live. I am leaning towards the later California. I would still be close to my doctors, my chances of getting a job again are greater, so I'm not just sitting around. I can still see my friends here in Arizona when I come for treatment once a month, and my Mom I could see more. My greatest support system is in California. Not that I don't have great support in St. Louis and Arizona I do. I have asked my children and 2 out of 3 would like to see me in LA. Alex of course would love it if I would live in St. Louis. I just don't like the winter months. I'm really not crazy about winter. I learned that when I was up in Canada. I talked to one of my girlfriends in Malibu and she is going to look around for some guest houses in the area that have come up for rent. It would be great to have a room with a view. Could I be so lucky, maybe that has changed luck and all. I think I will try to get back to sleep.

PRESENT

I returned home last night and found the comfort of my house and cat overwhelming, but good. I know it's just me, but I am starting to feel the relaxation of Mike around me. He is differently watching over us, he has exposed himself in small ways. I can't explain the sense I get and I want you to know it's loving. Not heart aching like before. I know I will never see him in my lifetime, but maybe in my next and that's OK for me. I will start decorating for Christmas today and it's because I want to this year. In the past 5 years it became a chore. I had to many much more important things to take care of not this year. My children will all be here and I want it to be a good memory. A memory of all the laughter and loved that has filled this house. Mike will be there with a smile on his face. No longer in pain or scared of what faced him. He knew I would be there to help our children through the heart ache. Mike we will continue to make you proud. I also want to thank everyone for there kind thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you are enjoying the journey. That is what life is all about the JOURNEY.

PRESENT

I am on my last day up here in Kelowna with Bobby and I hate to leave him, but it is time to go. He has made me extremely happy and proud. He has handled himself with grace and strength in a very hard time in his life. My girls had a wonderful Thanksgiving with there Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. They also spent a couple of days with their grandmother. They enjoyed themselves completely. Family is so terribly important that sometimes you take it for granted.I would like to remind everyone not to. Your life is more complete with family. Friends are as equally important and hard to replace. It is always nice to reconnect with friends you have had in the past. They are good for your soul. It reminds you of the great times in your past. The laughter and the tears that make you the person you are today. So in that respect I would like to thank all of you, that make me complete, and have given me the strength to move forward. Life like Mike would always say is GOOD.

PRESENT

Today was one of those days you just wanted to end. My brother Greg came out of surgery at 7:30 this evening. He went in at 11:30 this morning. I am very proud of the strength he showed all morning. It is very hard to not know what they are going to find. They removed the tumor and did the Whipple surgery. They did not have to remove the pancreas at least not all of it. I will know more tomorrow. I love my brother very much so today was a very hard day.

PRESENT

It has been a long time since I have posted. There is a reason for that it is because of some of you. I write this blog for so many reasons. One of them is because it takes away some of the pain that is so deep inside of me. It makes me feel good, and I can purge out the bad shit inside that eats away at me. Yes it is true that I write the bad stuff, but let me let you know in no way shape or form do I want you to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me, why should you. I am just trying to piece my life back together without my right arm. Mike and I were a team now I am flying solo. It wasn't by choice and by loosing him it hasn't relieved me of my burden, because I had no burden. I had a best friend, lover, a confidant who played the game with me so well. I am going to continue to play the game just like Mike would have wanted me to. We talked in great lengths in the 5 years he was trying to live his life to the fullest. He wanted me to go and have a life he didn't know I was going to be on the same playing field that he was on.

So for those of you who want to judge me about how fast I am moving on, step in my shoes and see how fast you would run. I was going to stop my blog for the all the wrong reasons. If you don't like how I am living my life stop reading my blog. Remember it is for me. I will never get over the loss of MY MIKE. You can bet I am not going to let him down. I say hi to him all the time. In Alaska he and Jim were two mountain goats on top of a glacier were no animals were suppose to be. Monli and I laughed and say hi to them both. Then in Canada he was the black bear outside my window that scared Bobby and I both. When I was out on a bogey board in Kauai he managed to surprise me again when I saw this big brown shadow swimming by me. I thought it was a shark. Scared frozen all of a sudden this big sea turtle raised his head up to say hello. I just said hey Mike stop scaring the shit out of me. He always had a great cents of humor and still does. So I am going to keep traveling and finding the new things in life he missed.

So to those who follow my blog, because they enjoy it please stay tuned. Now for the people who want to judge me it is time to get out of my life, because I am not going to stop living on the grounds I don't live up to your standards. Go live your own life I promise I will not JUDGE YOU.

Present

I am on the plane to Kawaii. Haven't really felt well to much stress. I hope that this will calm my nerves down. Just to be with my girlfriends at Lisa's house with no cares or responsibility might be nice. I will deal with all the doctors when I get back. Hope everyone else is doing well. I did manage to use Mikes points to bump up to first class. I will say hi to him when I get in the clouds. This should be he and I.

PRESENT

It is Sunday and I plan on going to go to the Football game today. Should be fun. I don't get to go to things like that to much. Had a great time this week with my girlfriend Debbie. It has been a rough week physically, but I got through the chemical shit. Greg is getting more information on his condition. Not the news he would like to receive. Now he has to make decisions. I leave for Hawaii Tuesday. I am just going to relax and not think about anything. I take that back not think about the shit that has filtrated my life. I did buy a new bathing suit that always makes you feel better.

PRESENT

My girlfriend Debbie came in from St. Louis today. She and I had dinner at a new Mexican restaurant by my house for dinner. We had a nice time just sitting there talking about the past. She is going to be here until Saturday evening. The weather is suppose to be really nice. Debbie my sister and Greg and I met with the first surgeon to talk about his Whipple surgery we really liked the doctor. He was very informative and personable. My mom, sister, and Greg will leave Wednesday for LA to meet another for a second opinion at UCLA. The surgery is very complicated and dangerous. You want the best doctor you can obtain. He will meet with another at Mayo on Nov. 4th.

Present

Days are getting harder and it makes me angry. I don't want to dwell in the past, but I see Mike in my mind everywhere. I don't want to play cards anymore. I am always dealt such a difficult hand. One side of my brain says you can handle this mess. While the other side says fold. I am literally being eaten up inside. It's a gnawing ache and no matter what I do I can't get rid of it I can't. I call it " it" because I don't know what "it" is. My head says, run hard run fast, get away. My body says your to old to run, you just don't have what it takes. I wish someone could help, but I know I am going to have to figure out myself. Really I thought I was much stronger. I would tell at the end, Mike don't worry I will be fine. I lied to him, because I'm not. I really wanted to make my blog more up lifting sorry not right now. Mike please tell me you didn't take all the good away. I just want to know your alright. I miss coming into the room your in and you looking at me with such love in your eyes, knowing you thought I was the most beautiful girl you had ever laid eyes upon. It felt like no one else was in the room. Just you and I. How does one move on from having that to look forward to? Damn the fact I miss you so much.

PRESENT

Is my past so not important at this point? My past has made me who I am. Although I miss my past. It was good the majority of the time. I had to deal with bad things, but those were the things that made the good things so amazing. I have had such an amazing past, that I don't now how the future is going to compare. Will I just travel around the world? Then again could I be looking for a home of my own? I am trying to learn how to be fun again. You know that person people want to be around, not that downer that always has cancer around her like dandruff. I really was fun at one time. Please give me time to get it back.

Things are starting to be more controllable now. Greg is out of the hospital and fealling better. He has an appointment on Monday with a group of surgeons that preform the whipple surgery quite a lot. Apperantly that is very important. I have been in the doctors office the last two days. My pet scans were good yeah!!! I have started going to a naturalpathic oncologist that has put me on supplements and given me two infusions of vitamin c and infusion of some kind of acid not quite sure. I also had hydrotherapy and color puncture. Both were very interesting. Hope they work. At this point I will try just about anything to stay alive. Anyway everything looks a little better.

PRESENT

In your life there are chapters. Well let me tell you this. I want to finish this chapter, because this is a nightmare. I spent the day at Mayo Hospital with my brother today. We got hit by the f-cking C word again. My sweetest brother, my baby brother, was told he has early onset pancreatic cancer. What the hell is going on here. I just lost the best man on earth. Now I find out the other great man is being threatened it is a crime. Greg has had a rough time all his life with other issues, but to be slapped across the face with the C word is just not fair. Yes, don't get me wrong as a family we will fight this battle with dignity. It doesn't mean that I'm not mentally and physically pissed off. I will find a way out of this hell I am in, I just haven't figured out how YET. I will make it my mission that Greg will live a long happy life and I will be there with him. I love you Greg and Mike we need you to watch over us now. Night honey.

PRESENT

So today I got up to early. This is because I had a Pet-scan at 10:30 am and you can't eat or drink until afterwards. I went in on time, and they were quite pleasant considering they weren't having it done. They have you completely undress and get into hospital garb. Then you are lead to the back. You are then injected with some medication and told to lay there for an hour. They make you very comfortable in a dark area. I put my head phones on and dozed off to sleep. I had very strange dreams. Mike was in them and it was comforting. When they came to get me I was a little disoriented. They lay me down on the table made me comfortable and told me it would take 20 minutes. I drifted into my own world. After that your finished, you get up and they tell you to have a nice weekend. Do you think that when you pass by 3 women and they look at you pathetically that your really going to have a great weekend. After all they already know what the doctor is going to tell you. I mean so do I, but they don't know you already know, so they don't have to look so pathetic. I have a wine and chai party to go to tonight. Some guru is going to put acupuncture needles in everyone who wants to have it done. This ought to be interesting. Wow what a way to start off a weekend.

PRESENT

Greg's proceedure went well this morning. I took him home and the rest of my day was pretty uneventful. Shopped around for things I didn't need. I did pick up some gardening tools, so I think I will plant some herbs and flowers tomorrow. I am in bed early and happy for being here. Mike no beautiful sky tonight what's up! Love you anyway goodnight.

Home sweet home. Had a nice relaxing night at home. Fixed veal Marsala with little rose bud potatoes and a nice mixed green salad. I watched my sons hockey game on the Internet. They lost 6-3 but Bobby managed to get an assist out of the terrible game. There last 3 goals were in the last few minutes. This morning I got up early to bring Greg in for his endoscope at Mayo. I have very bad memories here so I am really trying to keep busy as I wait. This week I will be busy. I have a party to go to Thursday. I also have a wine and chai party on Friday with acupuncture. That should be interesting. Ashes my cat was thrilled to see me. Good thing he is a very patient cat. I was gone 4 days and didn't tear up anything. I wish I could find a little child that would love him. I hate leaving him alone. I miss being with Alex and jenni. They seem to be handling there lives as well as can be excepted. Mike would be very proud of everyone he loved.

PRESENT

Janet and Wayne got home last night so Janet and I had a nice pedicure this morning. Then I met 3 friends for lunch, Ken, Rachel, and Shannon. We had a great time talking about old times with Mike. Sometimes it makes me tear up, but on the whole it just makes me feel good. We watched Monday night football and sat around the dinner table at Janet's tonight. It is good to be around family. I am heading back to AZ tomorrow. The trip was to short, but I took care of a couple of things I needed to take care of. We have to get back. Greg has a endoscope on Wednesday morning. I have a pet scan on Friday. Neither one of us is looking forward to that no choice. I have asked Greg to come with me to Kelowna for Thanksgiving. Once we both know everything is all right I will make the travel plans. Bobby is thrilled that he will have American Thanksgiving. It is Canadian Thanksgiving today so a happy one for all you Canadians. Well have to get to sleep leaving at 5 am. Sorry to the people I didn't get to see while I was here I will catch you next time.

PRESENT

Greg my brother and I drove to Santa Barbara today and had lunch. We ate at Mike and I favorite place on the harbor called Brophy's. We use to sit there eat steam clams drink beer and watch the boats come in to the harbor. It was great memories and a beautiful day. I just got back from having dinner with good friends of mine Donna and Larry down in Malibu at a new restaurant. The Malibu Inn is right on the beach. It was a lovely sunset. We had great food and good conversation. I enjoy my time with family and friends. Unfortunately it hasn't filled the void of Mike and never will, but it's comforting just the same. I still enjoyed talking to him coming through the canyon even if he isn't right there he is.

PRESENT

I am so pleased to say that Bobby's team won there game last night. I took Bobby's call last night with him beaming from the assist he made. The hockey is really good for him. Anything good to take away the pain he suffers everyday from the lost of his best friend and father. It's an ache that is so hard to get rid of and probably never will. I saw some friends last night for dinner it was good to be out and among people who care. Today I am going to take a walk around it is so beautiful out got to get going.

Present

Today was a much better day. My son was back to his happier self, not so depressed. I am back to walking again. Which really allows me to clear my mind of negative energy. I had a long talk with Jon from the Jack and Jill foundation. What a marvelous human being. He gives so much of himself to help others. They were the foundation that sent my family to Napa 2 weeks before Mike died. It was so special that we were able to renew our vows, and spend time with our children without any worries. So here I am ready to go to bed and feeling that I might have a purpose for being the one to be alive. Mike I may have to use your contacts. You were so respected in your business. I knew I could count on you. Love you, night.

Present

So what a day. I was sitting having my monthly dose of meds when I watched my car getting plummeted by a hail storm. I couldn't do anything because I had a IV in my arm. Then low and behold I go home stop by the bank and get caught in another hail storm the size of golf balls hitting my brand new car. This was about the same time Bobby is getting ripped off at an oil change that cost 250.00 dollars. Sometimes life is just so sweet. Well I guess things could have been worse so I will just deal. Please let me have a good nights sleep. That really hasn't happened lately. I told the doctor today I was looking at alternative medicine. Hey gave me the names of some reputable doctors. He wants me to stay alive as much as I do. I am going to do what ever it takes to make sure I do stay alive. Hey Mike can you give me a hand. Love you.

Present

It is Monday morning and my day begins. Mike use to work for UPS and had a very small retirement plan of 103 dollars. I was just notified that I can't receive it until Mike would have been 65. That is 13 years from now. I asked could my children receive the money, because I have stage IV cancer. They said no. So chances are they are off the hook. What ass holes. I go to my accountant today I hope that goes better. I can't sweat the small stuff or things I can't control. I should get out of bed. I tried earlier and my body didn't seem to want to. I hope I don't fall into a funk. I hate FUNKS. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment. I need some answers to a couple of hard questions. Hopefully he will be straight with me. I think I would like to be a little more active. I want to find out if I can play a little harder without breaking anything. I guess we will see. I loved going to the Glacier with Monli. I think I would like to do more adventures.