CAKES

Everyone don't forget to tell all your friends about Jenni's new venture. I wouldn't lye to you they are great.   www.gbgcakeco.com  click on it and it will take you straight to the web. Send it to someone you LOVE.www.gbgcakeco.com

PRESENT

I went to the casino last night with my girlfriend Debbie. The minute you walk into those places you feel dirty from all the cigarettes smoke. I instantly got a headache, but did I leave? Hell no that isn't my genetic makeup. I don't know why I think I'm going to win on video poker. I did start gambling bigger on 3 card poker. I was down and then won a big hand to gain my money back. Which then took me to the craps table. For some reason men love dumb blonde's that don't know how to play the game. That is the place they will help you. Long story short I was able to capitalize and leave a winner. To bad I don't have the balls to bet bigger. I am such a conservative chicken.   It is so cold here in STL but yesterday Penny and I were back at Queeny Park. It's about 4-5 miles so it was quite a trek for her little legs. I think I'll go to the gym today.  Anything other than entering a big shopping mall!!!!! I wish that everyone has a Happy Holiday. I have learned, which Mike really taught me, is that spending it with family, friends, and little Puppy"s is the best thing in the world you can ever ask for. Thank you God for providing all of this for me.

Happy Holidays

PRESENT

Weird they changed how I post. I am aware of the fact that most of my readers have probably stopped checking in to my post. I am OK and happy. I hate saying that or writing about that for one simple reason. Unfortunately every time I announce that everything is great in my life the pendulum swings the other way. Go figure. Today I want to tell you that my daughter and her friend have started a new company. The web sight is www.gbgcakeco.com the product is gooey butter cakes. These cakes are freaking amazing go to her page and you can read all about them. Now as for the holidays coming up. I really wasn't looking forward to them. A little depression set in, but know I think I have passed all that. I think it is going to be a very happy holiday. I hope to all of you that are still reading.www.gbgcakeco.com

PRESENT

I'm laying in bed with Penny who gives me comfort now. I'm glad I rescued her. She is very sweet and calm. I am a bit scared right now. I'm on a new drug, the side effects are minimal. Just some bone aches, but that is common. The thing that worries me is the swollen nodes I have been experiencing lately. It could actually be nothing. When you gone through cancer as much as I have you tend to get a little paranoid occasionally. I'm sure that in a couple of hours it will go away. I would like to concentrate on other things in my life. Like the fact that Bobby is in a showcase in Chicago. Even though he didn't feel that it was his best game played, the next league up approached him to play for them right away. This was only the first game of the showcase. I so wish the very best for all my children as any good parent would. Sometimes you just have to hold your breath and step aside so they can bloom into something special. I would prefer that my health does not interfere with the choices my children make. I will go for another Pet Scan in January and will hope for the best as always. I would love for life to go on calmly right now. Really I would love for them to go on calmly forever.

PRESENT

I'm sure most of you that followed my blog have vanished. Maybe that was my intention. Sometimes when you recieve only negeative feedback on things that don't matter it time to leave the spotlight. I left my life in Arizona and started a new one in St. Louis. The transition was not easy. after a few months I started to settle in and felt good about my life. Working out eating right and socializing the right amount. I'm writing again because I feel I'm slipping back into a dark hole. I don't like it. I shouldn't be here in this hole. I rescued a beautiful little puppy. We named her Penny Lane. I loved the fact that Mike would never pass a penny without making a silent wish and putting it in his shoe. Isn't funny how little things that people did could make such a powerful impact. My kids are great and so is my family. We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving. I don't know if it's the holidays coming up, the cold weather, or the fact that the doctors have me on a new medicine because my old medicine wasn't working and my cancer was back. Maybe one of the side effects are deprecion. I will try my best to snap out of this funk before it gets the best of me. So for the few who have periodically stayed with me. I just want to tell you I'm OK for now. I will push through the holidays. After the first of the year I have another Pet Scan which will let me know if the cancer has gone back into hiding, For now I will hold on tight and keep in touch.

PRESENT

I wish I could say that my trip was a good one. I enjoyed up until Thursday. I did love hanging out with my friends. Really it's never a dull moment. When you feel good take advantage of all you can. Why you ask? One day your not going to feel so good and your going to ask yourself why you didn't push yourself a little bit more. I have been really trying to move on the last year or so and I was doing pretty well I thought. Until my two steps forward put me ten steps back. The drug I was on to keep the cancer at bay stopped working. Yes you heard me correctly the cancer raised it's creepy little head up and jumped back into action. Now I've been shot up with a new cocktail that is kicking my butt. I hope it is doing the same to the cancer. I've have been miserable ever since the injections on Friday. Maybe I will feel well tomorrow. I sure as hell hope so.

PAST

I remember a post I did when Mike was alive and fighting for his life. He was given a new drug that made him so sore and flu feeling. I understand now how he felt. He was always so pleasant and brave when something new was presented to him. Never complained much just took it. Why on earth did he not share with me more. I would have held him more, I would have listened. I would have let him cry. Sometimes my guilt overwhelms me, or is it that I just want him here to hold my hand? I miss his laughter. My mom once said he laughed like my Dad I miss him too.

Present

I'm sitting waiting in Dr. G. Office my results from my Pet scans are back. I also need treatment. So depressing waiting for everything to transpire. So many people with this shitty desease waiting to have toxins shot up in them. I will say everybody is so friendly. Tick Tock Tick Tock. Such bullshit. I guess I'm just tired of it all. I'm wanting to stop the madness. I'm looking for good news.

Present

Ok here I am at the W Hotel in Scottsdale listening to a great band under the stars. Oh did I mention I'm by my self. Why because that is what you do when your life partner dies and your left by yourself. Does that really make sence to any one that is sitting outside on a beautify night by them self even with other people around. I want Mike back so bad it frecken hurts. You say life isn't fair look at my life. And let's not forget I should be blessed yeah WHATEVER. Catch me on another day.

PRESENT

Last night I had a real eye opener. I began by having a wonderful dinner with my friends, Donna and Larry Mills. On my way home I decided to meet up with some girlfriends in Westlake. We went to Bogies. One huge meat market. The crowd was over the top. Every nationality and age group. I have differently come to the conclusion you only want to do that every couple of years to remind you not to go. I need to rethink my goals and dreams.

Present

OK I'm going to get back in the saddle again. I hope that nobody complains about my grammar. I flew to LA yesterday to coordinate a wedding this weekend. I had dinner at Casa Vegas last night for my girlfriends 50th birthday. She is so beautiful and elegant her age is so youthful. Mimi, Doug, and Arthur also were there. It was fun talking about old times. Arthur always referred to Mike as Cardigan. It all started when Mike wore one to a party. It stuck and was joked about for 20 years. Sometimes Mike would wear them just to give Arthur shit. We had a lot of memorable times together that sometimes just have to be relived. Happy Birthday Toni, you and Jeff have a great road trip with your dogs. I'm getting closer to getting one myself. Live life full!!!!

PRESENT

I'm trying to decide should I continue to write my blog or stop win I'm ahead.

Present

I love the family dinners. Maybe it's because I enjoy cooking so much. I spent this weekend going to fairs or festivals which ever there called. It rained quite a bit, but was still a lot of fun. I'm watching the Emmy's now and I think there trying to hard to be funny. I'll keep on watching.

Present

Well it's a rainy day in STL. It's perfect for having my treatment. I look around at new faces facing much worse treatment than myself. I hate seeing young teenagers coming in for Chemo. I try to imagine what must go through thier head. I think of my life that has been rich with love and laughter. Then I look over and really realize that life should just be beginning for them. It really is quite heart breaking. Time to go. I like getting out of here as soon as they let me.

PRESENT

Just had a great family dinner. Jamie,Ford,and Shelby joined us. It was fun and good fiesta food. Bobby and Luke are getting ready to go to the big tournament up in Minnesota. I hope Jenni will be able to hook up with them. Cleaned out the garage today. I am also working on the guest bedroom. I've been keeping up with my power walking with Jamie, she is a good roll model for working out. I have to tell you though having that hysterectomy is making it so hard to take the extra 15 pounds off. I hate the fact that I am starting to get a stomach. Now I am going to have to take yoga for my core. I have really enjoyed being back in St. Louis. I still need to touch base with a lot of my friends here. I will get the time soon. My house is really coming along, but I need a handy man and I just don't have one on hand. Spent last weekend at this huge art fair in Clayton. I know I have some doctor appointments this week. I am pretty sure there is something I am suppose to do this weekend. I will have to get a calender. Age makes you forgetful sometimes. OK all the time.

Present

Just spent a great day with my kids and girlfriend at Forest Park. We ate, drank, laughed and played Horseshoes at forest park. We had so much fun just doing the family thing. You can't beat that. I had not a great week, but the weekend was pretty darn good. Friday we had a going away party for my brother-in-law Todd. He is on his way to Egypt. Last night I had Darren, Lynn, there daughter Sammy over for dinner. Unfortunately as they pulled up Lynn received some heart wrenching news about her sister up in Canada who had gotten in a biking accident. My heart and prayers go out to everyone in their family. It is unbelievable how in a fleeting moment your whole family lives can change. I try to hold on to my moments with my family and friends like they are precious jewels. I like to think that mine are all Ruby's, Diamonds, and Sapphires sparkling in the bright sunshine. I would like to pray to God that he just keeps my life on a steady keel. Please.

Present

I'm on my way home from Minnesota. The fund raiser went really well. I know Jenni was really glad Debbie Mauer and I came to help. I love spending time with her regardless the conditions. We had a lot of good laughs. The drive home has gone slower than going up it rained most of the way. I received a disappointing email that made the trip a lot longer. I know my kids are glad to get me home. They most need money or want to be fed. Makes me feel so needed. I think most parents can relate. I have gained more weight but I guess that is understandable. I was around nothing but sugar. I need to put myself on a financial and food diet. Back to reality.

Present

It's Saturday and we still have a lot to do today. We have finished making the gooey butter cakes, cupcakes, and lollipop cake balls. I'm about to start on the individual pies. Apple and peach, Jenni was disappointed I didn't make cherry. I'm so tired from tasting all the sugar. I'm not a big sweet eater. I don't want to get into that habit. I have been. Walking everyday but eating sugar I think you have to be at the gym 5 hours. The cockapoo puppy has been keeping me company this morning, I think will take a nap.

I'm in beautiful MN at Jenni and Jeff's house. The whole neighborhood is darling. A perfect place for a young couple and young kids. They have this fund raiser this weekend. They are trying to convince me to bid on this cute little cockapoo puppy. It is cute but to much work. Jenni is so talented in her creations for this event. She always seems to amaze me. Got to go help.

Present

It's 3 am and I've been awake for an hour hoping I would fall back asleep. I miss my friends in the west. I've settled into St. Louis alright. I'm not complaining. I danced by myself on my back deck tonight. It's very private and beautiful. I would have rather been dancing with Mike, but I have to make do. I'm heading to Minnesota to help Jenni with a fund raiser she is doing on Wednesday. Debbie Leeman is driving up with me. We will be there until next week. Should be fun. I should try to sleep. I have to get a lot done tomorrow. Maybe the TV will put me to sleep.

PRESENT

Well it was a very uneventful evening last night. I don't know what I'm expecting to find. Maybe Mike come walking back into my life. We all know that's not going to happen. I can't really explain what I'm going through. I'm not really lonely or depressed. I'm kind of nothing. I go through each day like anyone else, but I have no one to really share it with. So I guess that's why I share it with you. My life is really good. Just empty. I suppose I need to fill it up. I'm think I'm going to take ballroom dancing. My niece is now taking it and I believe she is having fun. Maybe it will release some endorphins in me. I looked outside just now and the sun is shining and the rain is over. I think I'll go walk the park. OK I'm back. Didn't walk because I spent the whole day looking for my phone. Losing your phone will drive you nuts. If your anything like me I have very personal things on my phone. I had forgot that I put it up in Alex's room. Debbie slept there last night and her phone was dead. Thank God for my absent mind. Now I think I can go for that walk.

Present

It's Friday night and I'm going out with my girlfriend Debbie M. I have had a trying but productive week. Jenni helped a lot in putting the house together. I have almost finished what absolutely needs done. So I'm going out to celebrate. Why not. Bobby is settled in with his team. Both Alex and Bobby will start college this Monday. Luke is moved in he plays hockey too. He and Bobby will have the same classes. Got back into the gym and walking again. Just maybe some of these extra pounds will come off. Got to run just wanted to check in.

PRESENT

Back at home from Idaho.I had a wonderful time with my sisters and Mom. My nephews were great fun too. Janet has a beautiful home in Gozzar. She and Wayne were the perfect hosts. Yes, I can say home again. Transition was not fun, I think that I can have fun again. My life seems to never settled down. Bobby yesterday had to go to the dentist for an excruciating toothache. It led us to emergency surgery to extract the molar that had been crowned the year before. For those of you that don't have dental insurance it is quite a bite on the wallet. The thing that really shocked me was how big his tooth was. I do feel bad for him. He was in a lot of pain. The surgeon was great, he told us if Bobby hadn't gotten in he would have ended up in the hospital. The infection had almost gone into the blood stream. All is well now. I have my first doctors appointment with the Oncologist here in St. Louis Wednesday. Not really looking forward to that one, but I'm late on my treatment. I hope I like him. Can't stand doctors that don't have time for you. The house is coming along. I took the kids to the movie yesterday. It was Alex, Bobby, and my nephew Chris. We saw the art film The Beginners. It was suppose to be a comedy. I didn't know it was a tragic comedy, about a father dying of cancer. Flashback. My kids weren't real happy with me. So I decided to have my first dinner party with them. I fixed a salad with crostini and pesto to start. Then linguine with two sauces red with spicy Italian sausage, and shrimp with a white wine cream sauce. We had a great time chatting and laughed about the bad choice in film. We also told old Mike stories and all was good.

Present

I'm leaving Idaho today and I'm glad to get home. The weather has been beautiful and I've enjoyed my visit here. Everything went very smoothly. It has been relaxing. Something I could use after going through this move. Actually I could sleep for a couple of days and that would be nice.

Present

I'm up in Idaho with my sisters. Last night we celebrated my moms 90th birthday. She is so amazing. We had a lot of fun with the Gretzky family. I think mom really enjoyed being with some of her children. It is so beautiful here in couer de lan. The weather is such a break from St. Louis. I wish life was this easy all the time.

Present

My house is coming along very well. Each day we get a little more done. I can't control the outside they were suppose to finish the exterior by the end of August unfortunately that isn't happening. I'm going out to Greenville this morning to see Betty. I think Mike has his stone up. We will see plus I want to hit some antique shops. I need some lighting I can hang. Should get my mind off everything else that is shitty in the world. My mom turns 90 this week maybe I can find her something unique.

Moments

On July 16th I told you I saw a beautiful rainbow. It's amazing because the night Mike died there was a beautiful rainbow. These are the things that make me keep going, and life with my kids. Sometimes you have to calm down and take one day at a time. The sun will shine soon.

Present

Today opened my eyes. I always think that a ray of sunshine is going to sneak through, then it happens. That really dark cloud floats over and reality strikes again. I need to write a book titled The Widows Handbook. It would teach women that the year after your husbands death there are so many people that will take advantage of your vulnerability. That it can be very cruel and to trust no one. Especially the ones that act like there doing things in your best interest. Snakes. Mike always hated snakes. I'm glad he is not here to witness. Once I get through this small hurdle I will let you know the things I don't tell. Sometimes you have nothing to lose.

Present

Haven't had the Internet or cable for 2 weeks. I feel so out of touch. Just when I think things are going a long smoothly I get hit. Yesterday Bobby got cut from the team he was drafted to. Here we move to be all together and in a moment dreams are shattered. His next step was to go back to Canada. My heart was broken. After hours of deliberating the Junior Blues A team asked him to play for them. He will get to stay in St. Louis after all. Getting settled is all I hope for now. Time is a funny thing you just never know how the clock is going to run. I must get back to unpacking. Endless.

Present

Well I'm half way moved into the new house. I won't have TV or Internet until next week. The house is starting to look like a home. I will post pics when the Internet is hooked up. Today is my 54th birthday. Any other birthday Mike would have gotten up brought me cappuccino. He would have had flowers and a card letting me know how much he loved me. I miss what he would do for me. I miss how we would always talk about our life and future in the morning. We would have great laughs and live life. I will get up now and make my way threw my day. My kids, family, and friends will get me threw it all. I miss Mike tremendously.

Present

Well second day on road and made it threw the first year. This will be good for all of us. I am looking forward to settle into the house. Jenni is coming down in a few weeks to help me decorate. She has such a great eye for that. We will all attend the Lauchner family reunion this year. That should be hot as long as the heat spell breaks. We only have about 8 hours to go to get to St. Louis so I'm excited. A fresh start.

PRESENT

Well it has been a year today since Mike left. I prefer to think of it that way. My life has taken such a drastic change in the past year. Right now I'm in a Uhaul going cross country with my brother Greg. He is so kind to drive me back to St. Louis. I know this next year will be a new beginning for all of us. Bobby has to give it his all in hockey and college. Alex needs to finish her last year in college. Who knows maybe this will be the year Jenni and Jeff will have a baby. It would have been more fun with Mike to share this with, but it wasn't meant to be. We are all very strong and we will always remember Mike like he was when he was strong. Happy and in love with his life. We knew he had to leave. God is taking good care of him. Mike we love you and always will. You will always be the greatest man we ever will know. Bless you.

Present

It is Monday night and I'm sitting in my pool listening to music. I have a picture of Mike by me candles and a glass of wine. I can't stop crying it has almost been a year since Mike left us and it has gotten to me. Why wouldn't it he was the love of my life. Now I need to continue on without him. Please let me vent. I won't do anything stupid. I can so picture him here with me. The water is warm and the moon and stars are out. There isn't enough wine to kill the pain and loneliness I feel. He was so beautiful and funny and kind. How can I not ache inside. I so want to leave this pain but it just keeps coming back. I don't want to go back in the house. At least out here I might be that much closer to him. I know that I will be fine in the morning but tonight I feel a part of me is gone.

PRESENT

Bobby left this house for the last time today. He left as quick as he could didn't really want to go, but it is a good beginning. I'm sure he will be fine once he gets settled. It actually was harder on me then it was on him. Had a little emotional breakdown after he left. I'm assuming that is normal in my not normal world. I think I need to laugh out loud or something.

PRESENT

The shit jobs are left to do in the house to move now. My cat is differently gone. It has been in the 100's for the last month. My tolerance is weighing thin. OK that sums up my morning. Oh lets not forget the fact that no matter how much I still work out I am gaining weight due to not having any estrogen in my body. Could also be because I have replaced my pain killers (which I'm glad I don't have to take) with alcohol. GREAT not. I'm hoping that in the great scheme of things that I will get everything under control after the move. Well I'm done with my coffee back to packing.

PRESENT

Ok I think I have to come to the realization my cat isn't coming back. It makes me sad, but I just think that some little girl found Ashes and is feeding him really well. It's better than the alternative. Back to packing again. My room seems to be the hardest to get started on. I keep putting it off. Maybe I will finish the garage today. YUCH. I spent most of the day yesterday in the pool. Cried a little thinking of the past then just went under water to snap out of it. My house will be ready to move into July 15th I'll just keep on focussing on that. Better go.

PRESENT

Last year on July 4Th Mike and I renewed our vows in a beautiful ceremony in Napa. He was so sick but still wanted to please me so bad. How can I ever thank him for all he graced me with. Now it really gives me reason to look to the skies tonight. He will give me a show of his love every 4Th of July with a beautiful spark and bang. I have the bad news of letting you know my cat Ashes has been missing for 2 days. He brought me comfort when nobody else was around. I hope July isn't the month to take something away from me. I will have to leave the country you know the reaper can't catch me there. He wouldn't know where to find me. Probably because I would be lost too. Maybe Ashes will come home soon.

PRESENT

Screaming would be an excellent idea right now. How it would be so easy to do. I feel like a big sweat ball moving things from one place to the other. Then on top of everything I have inspectors coming tomorrow for the sale. I hate this whole process it's depressing. I just have to concentrate on moving forward. I have had a lot of offers from friends that want to help and I appreciate all the offers. Unfortunately the shit I am doing now is more purging and who knows what to purge but me.

PRESENT

I have just a few moments before I have to run. I feel like that is all I have been doing for the last month. I am trying so desperately to pack up my house for the move in July, but sometimes I feel like I am drowning in what to take and what to leave behind. So many memories it is a toggle war. I know I will get there, but the journey is not fun. How can I possibly turn this around. Mike is everywhere and I hate the leave behind. I know it is time to move on. The day I am suppose to be gone is the day he died July 16th. Maybe I will stay until the 17th so I can swim one last time with him in my thoughts. Must run still have tons to do.

Present

I know I don't keep up with my blog, but the truth is I have been so busy. Right now I have a moment because I'm having treatment. I noticed that the 2 sons are back in with there mother. I love seeing the support they give her. That kind of love and support usually adds years to your life. I am still dealing with the house and the banks, but it seems to be getting easier. Maybe because I just didn't care anymore. I have everyone looking for a house for me in St. Louis. Haven't come up with anything yet but have my fingers crossed. I think this year is going to be a good year of love and joy. I hope for all of you too.

PRESENT

Went to LA last weekend to work a wedding. It was good for me to get away from the house and everything it represents. Starting to pack up and move forward. Still haven't found a house in St. Louis still looking. I will figure it out I'm not going to stress out about it. I have my doctors appointment on Monday so I want to make sure my stress level is down. When I was in LA my mom broke her wrist. I was so happy that that is all she hurt. She will be 90 soon and I want her in all one piece. Greg and I took her to the Old Getty Museum. It is so beautiful there. I could sit there all day so calming.

PRESENT

My time is running out in this house that Mike and I built together. It is sad to look around and know that it won't be ours anymore. It is time for me to move on and that is OK. I would like to say that it is getting easier, but I guess I would be lying to myself. When I was on the cruise a gentlemen approached me and as much as I was flattered all I really wanted was for it to be Mike. The gentlemen didn't stand a chance. It hurts still to even think of Mike I loved him so much. I wish I knew how to move on. I will keep putting one foot on the floor every morning and push threw. My memories will stay strong as I move forward. I wish I could take the rose garden he and Bobby worked so hard planting for me as a surprise. The roses are so beautiful now.

PRESENT

I am home now and what a lot to come back to. I have been working on the sale of my house all day. I have been unpacking to clean and pack again. I have to coordinate a wedding over in LA. Then I need to get back in time to load up the house stuff for St. Louis wow! Everything happens so fast. I have to say the last 7 days with my children and brother were the best. There was so much to do and everyone had a great time. There really is nothing better than spending it with family. There were times I would go out on deck and look out into the ocean. There was when I would have my moment with Mike and almost feel his arms around me. He would tell me everything was alright and he couldn't be happier. I am starting to believe him. My children are the best. I would give them the world and everything in it all wrapped up in a gold ribbon.

We just left our ship the Allure of the Sea just a half an hour ago. It was a great. We had a terrific time with out any fights. Seven nights with the family is good to say. Greg and Bobby both celebrated thier birthdays on the ship. Not a bad way to do that. We have a long time to wait before our flight home. This might get a little boring. We all have computers so it shouldn't be to bad. We can't check our bags until four hours before flight. On the trip we all hung out together wether on the ship. On the beach or snorkeling. We had a lot of fun. Now home to finish up sale of house. I have to head to LA and coordinate a wedding on the 12th. Have to unpack to pack.

PRESENT

Back at home and the weather is beautiful. Trying to really work out for we leave on our cruise on the 28Th of this month. It will so nice to have Jenni, Jeff, Alex,Bobby, Greg and I all together enjoying the Caribbean. We have all had a tough year of dealing with our emotions and uncertainty. When I get back I will probably start packing for the move. I think I am going to give St. Louis a try regardless were Bobby may be playing. I love my family and I don't think I could bear living another year alone. Mike will always be with me were ever I chose to live.

Present

Loved being back in St. Louis. Bobby skated hard this week, the compition was tough. There were a lot of great players out there this weekend. Now it's a waiting game. He did his best and that makes me proud. I am praying he does make this team, other wise he will probably go back to Canada. I would really like our family back together. I am in Greenville now. I had a nice visit with Mike's mom and in bed playing phone scrabble with Alex. Bobby and I are going to visit Mikes grave site tomorrow. That will be bitter sweet. It's just not the same anymore.

PRESENT

Up and getting ready to leave today. We don't leave until 6:30 pm so it gives me time to work out and take care of the last minute things I need to take care of. My daughter Alex just called to let me know she thinks she has strep throat. We need to stay clear of her until she gets better. I hate packing, because I am never sure what clothes to take. I think it is suppose to rain all week, but you never know. Bobby has to haul his hockey equipment and sticks thank god we're flying Southwest. Bags fly free. I am looking forward to seeing everyone. It will be a crunch but I will do my best. I get my lab results back today from my doctors appointment. They think my Thyroid might be a little off. He said it could be from the radiation in that area. I hope so because I keep gaining weight and medicine would control that. It is scary when you work out everyday and your jeans keep getting tighter. That is just not acceptable for any women. It also makes my packing harder. Time to run, have a great day.

PRESENT

I had my Doctors appointment yesterday and treatment. The nurses there are so nice. Thank God or I would really dread going. They always inquire about my whole family, wanting to make sure my kids are doing well. I noticed a women having treatment. I was so touched how her family rallied around her. Her sons looked to be 20 years old, they were there. One was talking to her and the other one was rubbing her shoulders. They all were smiling and joking. That is the best way to travel through this journey. Another young boy was covered in confetti he had just finished his course of Chemo. To young to be going through cancer, but he has good prognosis. Alex my daughter is finishing up her college finals this week and Bobby finished last week. That is a relief. I'm looking forward to leaving for St. Louis tomorrow. I hope I will be able to see all the people I would like to see, but it might be very hard. 5 days isn't very long. well I am off to work out, got to run.

Present

Good morning to all the Mothers getting up and wondering were is my breakfast in bed? I am drinking my coffee quickly so I can get my walk in. Today is suppose to be 95 degrees. If you get going early it won't be to bad. I will call my Mom on my walk so I can talk to her for a while. She has a lot of people visiting right now and I'm sure she is busy. It has been really beautiful here in Arizona so I know the cool weather is going to change soon. My neighbor is so sweet, he has been working on my upstairs air conditioner for the last two days. That's what I call a good neighbor. Yesterday I went with Melinda (my friends) brother Glen to watch the Kentucky Derby. We went to a off track betting place to watch. It was fun but neither one of us won on any of the races. Betting is just not my thing. Mike would have said to me "Jeanette you think you would have learned by now!' Unfortunately I don't. It was fun anyway. Bobby and I are going to go to the movies today. He left a very dear Mothers Day card on the counter for me this morning. Ladies have a great day too.

PRESENT

Love having my friends over. My girlfriend Mimi came in from California with her husband Doug. I love cooking and we ate and had a wonderful visit. They spent the night and after a cappuccino they headed on their way back to LA. They had visited a lot of people over the past few days. I am also very excited about visiting St. Louis next week. One day I will head out to Greenville spend time with my Mother-in law. When I'm there I will go to visit Mike for the first time. That is not going to be easy, but It will be good. Hopefully Bobby will do good for his tryouts for hockey and we can move everything to St. Louis. I would love to spend more time around family.

PRESENT

Have been watching the news on the hurricane that whipped through the Midwest this past week. So awful for the family and friends of the survivors. I hope that all the people that have been affected are being taken care off. It just reminds me of how blessed I am. They seem so strong, but it is going to be so hard over the next weeks month and years. My heart goes out to all the victims.

On the other hand I did stay up and watch the royal wedding. It was so wonderful to see such joy flow out of everyone involved. The love and friendship of two brothers could only reminded me of Mike and Todd. How at our wedding they pulled up in Mikes vintage convertible in the white dinner jackets. They too were so handsome. The music at our wedding was from the Princess Bride theme song. I too felt like I was a Princess and Mike was my Prince. I hope there marriage is a successful and a joyful one. It is always nice to have good role models. They are such a handsome couple.

MOMENTS

I reread what I wrote on Easter and realized that I was disrespectful to my religion. It totally came off wrong. Jesus gave up everything for us and I love him. I rewrote my blog for that day. I was very depressed and missed Mike. I hope he is with our Savior right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I apologise.

PRESENT

Two work outs today, two yesterday. How come I feel my body isn't really changing that much. I guess when you get older things just instantly slow down. I wish I had that much energy in getting my stuff staightened out. I do think more clearly now I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I honestly thought I was having a conversation with Mike. He asked me if I was alright and that he was worried about me. I reassured him that I was OK and that everyone else was doing OK. It was really weird because it seemed so real.

PRESENT

Happy Easter everyone. I have had a wonderful time with my nephew Robbie, Bobby, and Greg. We played egg games which left us all with lottery tickets for wed. Drawing. I hope if anyone one wins it is one of them. I have already won in my life. Everyone have a great day.

MOMENTS

Right now I could say that everything is alright. That I have my life back together. I would be lying. Mike isn't here and it makes me depressed. It is Easter tomorrow and I don't care because he isn't coming back to me. He isn't even going to show his face. The thing is why can't we just spend time with the one we loved so deeply that it burns to think of that person. Most of the time I can just smile and look at his picture and go on about my day. Now I sit here by myself and wonder what it would be like to have his arms wrapped around me. He suffered just like Jesus, I wish he too could be resurrected. Time goes by but my over whelming love for him does not. I would so much just love to kiss him again, hold him again, make love to him again. I would love to look in his eyes and feel the love that poured out of them. Nobody has loved me the way he did and no one will ever will. God bless you Mike you were more than a man.

PRESENT

I went on another adventure with my brothers. This time camping. It started off well but, kind of went down hill when we couldn't find a campsite open. After driving around Arizona for 5 hours we ended up at Blue Water Reservoir. We camped on top of the mountain side and did a nice job setting up. We then proceeded to have shrimp fajitas which were delicious. Outside the fact that the winds were around 40 miles per hour and cold it was just delightful. After cleaning up we settled in hoping not to be eaten by any bear strolling by. I think we need to plan out these adventures a little more carefully. It wasn't until driving back this morning because it was to windy to hike. We found out what had happened in St. Louis. OH MY GOD I pray that everyone I know is OK and not hit to hard. So much devastation. My nephew Robbie was on his way home to visit his wife, daughter and family. He couldn't get into Lambert so he ended up here in Arizona. Yeah I get to see him and enjoy Easter with more family, but so sad for him not getting to see his family.

PRESENT

Be grateful for the health system we have. Especially if you are in the position I am in. St. Louis treated a boy from Canada, because they said he was terminal and refused to treat him only 15 months old. Who has the right to tell you that your condition has gone to far. If that were the case our family wouldn't have had the 5 years to live with Mike. My children wouldn't have received that time to get to know, love and respect their father that much more. He wouldn't have been able to teach them life's lessons that are so important. I wouldn't have been able to love the man that was so special to me just a little bit longer. The man that taught me how to go on and raise our children. I to would probably be dead today once I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Don't let the government control our health, it is way to important. I know it was the life we were dealt.

Past

Not really that long ago. Two days ago Johnny, Greg and I took a trip to Peyson AZ to go hiking. It was so beautiful. I even shot a gun, not a bad aim but I could use some practice on form. Anyway we had a blast. Johnny and I even took a plunge in freezing cold water. That I have to say was invigorating. I think we are going to go camping this weekend. The things you will do again when you get older.